[The answer is a scoff, half-bitter and half-resigned, and Shepard is something like grateful to be jigged off the rut of sorrowful nostalgia she finds herself in. She's always been more comfortable with sharper emotions, after all.]
(Fuck, Sam, I wish it was. People need reasons to do things-- Life's about give and take. Every now and then somebody comes along who's willing to risk everything for nothing, but you can't build on that foundation, not long-term.)
[Thane's voice, or the memory of it; turning towards her in a glance to acknowledge the courtesy of the information: I'm dying.
Would he have been so selfless if he hadn't been? If Thane had had many healthy decades ahead of him, time to heal, time to speak to Kolyat? Shepard thinks so. It was part of his exacting nature, the same thing that made him an exemplary assassin: you do the right things, because they are right, and because to do otherwise would put into disorder that which ought to be orderly.]
(People need a reason to put up with all the bullshit, even if the only real reason they have is settling a debt. A few thousand dead colonists is just statistics, if they don't have an excuse to let go of the path of least resistance, the whole thing falls apart.)
[ Sam hangs back, waits for Bucky to process through that as best as he can, until he starts to wonder what the real reason for his hesitation is.
Until he can feel Bucky questioning if he'd come bring him back, until he can feel the programming that Sam wouldn't want to. He reacts instinctively, wings furled up like a shield as he physically presses in close, resting his forehead against Bucky's.
Always, his mind murmurs, always always always, a promise just as much as it is a simple truth. As long as Bucky wants Sam, he'll be there. You will never be abandoned.
And the mission, well. Sam doesn't give a damn about it more than trying to bring everyone back safe and trying to keep their meddling in these people's lives to a minimum. ]
(You are so much more important than this mission. You're not a weapon to me, Bucky, you're...) [ And there he trails off, because he doesn't know what they are. They've agreed no definitions, not until they can figure out one that works, so he lets it go. Important is the main point. ] (We got time. We can figure it out together, I can suggest some things and see what you think.)
[Something isn't quite clicking for Bucky. He tries to process why Sam would give him a gift, despite Sam having done so in the past. His thoughts brush up against that belief that he doesn't deserve gifts, but he shakes the loose grip of the programming away. With Sam here, with their broodlink humming strong and their fingers tangled together, they can challenge the weaker protests of the programming.]
(For me?) [He's still not entirely sure of the proposition, but he's listening.]
(Yeah.) [ Normally he'd brush it off, say it's not a big deal or anything - but he finds himself wanting to explain. To try to help Bucky understand why Sam would want to give him something. ]
(I don't know, I like making you happy. I like introducing you to new things, seeing what you like.) [ There's a pause, then he bumps Bucky's knee playfully with his own. ] (Plus it'll make you smell good, and that can't hurt.)
[Wow rude Sam. First you make him feel feelings and then tell him he stinks. That is, Bucky doesn't quite accept the first half of Sam's response, or the way it makes him warm deep in his chest. However, the second half he's much more accustomed to hearing. A grin breaks across his face as he nudges Sam right back.]
[More than kissing, Bucky enjoys this sort of intimate contact. Their foreheads press together and a sense of contentment, of love, washes across the link. He wants Sam to use the words, but the timing feels off, what with the mission and the stress placed on its success. A large part of him wants to run with Sam out into the desert, where they can be really alone for more than a few moments. But Sam needs to be here, needs to be the leader they all know him to be.
He can't let Sam push that to the wayside.]
(I'll think about it?) [He tries to make it sound like a statement, but he's questioning himself even as he responds. There's no promise they won't run into a situation where Sam needs to control Bucky, no promise that the Soldier won't emerge on this mission. He hates that uncertainty.]
(I know. It's all one big cost benefit analysis to - well, to a hell of a lot of people, but especially to the people in charge. It's the way the world works.)
[ It's the way his own world had worked; he'd seen that time and time again. And he's seen nothing from anyone else's worlds here to say that isn't the way the way their world works, too.
Hell, it's the way this mission's been working.
And he hates it.
He'd hated it when it'd been his CO telling him that Riley's death meant something, hated it when it'd been Rumlow talking about order and Pierce talking about for the good of the world, hated it when it'd been Ross talking about checks and measures.
Hated it sitting in a prison trying to save a world where it was so easy look the other way. ]
(But there's still no better reason. Might not be all that many of us who think you should do the right thing just because it's the right thing, but that just means we gotta stick together.)
[Shepard is silent for a long, strange moment. She doesn't know what to think, or what to say. It's almost like quiet, in her head, impossible as that seems; the thoughts are just standing around, looking. Like at a movie.
Shepard has a brief, mad wish that Sam could have seen her world as she knew it, firsthand. The skyscrapers of Illium and the inverse skyline on Omega, the beauty of nebulae and-- and the people.
Would Thane have liked Sam? Surely he would. She wishes she could introduce him to Garrus, to Steve Cortez, to the whole of clan Urdnot. But it's impossible, and all those people might as well be dead for all she feels likely to see them again in this lifetime. Grief rolls back in, like rising bile.]
(You are so lucky I'm drunk right now.) [She is not drunk right now. She's been drinking, sure, but keeping up with the overactive scrubbers Cerberus gave her bloodstream is not a gentle task, nor a cheap one.] (You're a softie, you know that, Sam Wilson? You better hope your idealistic crap isn't contagious.)
[ Sam definitely digs the kissing but - honestly, he mostly just enjoys what Bucky's enjoying. Whatever kind of contact between them he can get, it's good, and all he wants is more of it. He scratches over his scalp again as Bucky considers their options.
They're not great, really, not as long as they're still on this damn mission. But it's what they've got. ]
(Good enough for me.) [ He tips his head the tiniest bit, just enough to press his lips faintly against Bucky's, before he returns to just resting his forehead against Bucky's. ] (We'll deal with it. Whatever comes, we'll face it together. You and me, we make a good team.)
[Bucky melts again with the scratching and if Sam hadn't pressed their lips together, he would have. That said, he follows Sam's kiss with a couple of his own. The same thrill as before pushes into his veins, just as intoxicating as ever. He wants to stop talking, about what could be, what should be. Right now, all he wants is to spend time with his... Sam. He wants to chase this thrill and explore the depths of it.]
[ For a moment, Sam wishes that, too. He wishes he could have been there with her, been at her side as she tried desperately to save a galaxy that spurned her every movement, that scoffed that it didn't need saving until it was almost too late.
He wishes she could have been with them as an Avenger, could meet Nat and Wanda and Rhodes.
But he's at her side now, and it is what it is.
Sam huffs out a little chuckle, like speckles of sunlight through the leaves. Yeah, yeah, he knows he's a big damn softie. ]
(I don't know, I kind of hope it is.) [ He's teasing, playful, but - it's true. ] (I'm not an idealist because I don't know any better, Shep. It's because I do. I know what my country is, I know the way my world works. I'll always hope it could be better, and I'll always fight for change. For what we could be.)
(Try to put a little light in the world before you die?)
[There's the echo of a drell rasp in that phrase, the memory of Thane saying the same thing. Siha, he'd called her, and named her like a valkyrie, a warrior angel, a patron spirit. Shepard can't help but feel like Sam is, in his own way, doing the same. She takes a drink, to fortify herself against the sentiment.]
(You know... We've gotten to know each other pretty well, by now. You can use my name, if you want. My first name.)
[ He jokes about it, but - yeah, that's exactly what he means. Even if it's one person at a time, he'll change the world just a little bit before he goes.
Her next comment... isn't what he expected, and a faint hint of surprise sparks over the link. ]
(I didn't think you liked your first name all that much.)
[ For someone who likes talking so much, Sam's gotta admit there's times when it's overrated, and now is sure as hell one of them. He's got Bucky, they've got this, and Sam might not know exactly what it is, but who needs to when it's so much better to just feel?
If Bucky wants to live in the moment, Sam's right there with him. His pulses quickens, little points of heat igniting every where they're touching, and Sam drinks it all in eagerly. His mouth parts to draw Bucky's lower lip in, teeth grazing playfully before he soothes it with a swipe of his tongue.
His mental presence is playful, feathers skimming light and fleeting, the beat of his heart warm and encouraging. ]
[ Sam laughs, head tilted back and eyes crinkling, even as his veins pulse with the small thrill he always gets from seeing Bucky smile. He knows the first part of that is hard for Bucky to accept, that it's still gonna be a while before he knows how to react to that warmth - but he's more than happy to switch gears to their usual kind of banter. ]
(I gotta call it like I see it, you know me. Or smell it, in this case.)
(Ha. Next you'll be telling me that using my first name would be a breach of respect. You wanna hear a secret?)
[Of course you do. It's a secrets kind of day.]
(I made it up. Jane Doe, right there on my file. I am the proverbial undocumented child, no DNA profile on record, wasn't even registered as a biotic risk until I was seventeen, believe it or not.) [She laughs. She genuinely thinks that's funny-- all this oversight, right down to the biometrics, and they still miss whole people. Lots of people. fat lot of good all that careful math has been.] (But I've been Jane Shepard for more than half my life, Sam. Sometimes I wonder why I bothered filling out the damn name form, if nobody was ever gonna use it)
(Never have been all that great with authority figures. Sides, you should be glad I'm not calling you Tic-Tac.)
[ Of course he wants to know a secret - especially if it's about her. It's not quite one he was expecting, but at the same time, nah, he's not surprised at all. It fits her, all of it.
Even if half of that only makes sense because he's lived enough in her head to know a little of how her world functions. ]
(Bureaucracy at its finest, that's why.) [ They may not physically be any where near each other - but he's forgotten all about that, honestly, and there's the sensation of his hand curled around hers, absent. ] (Jane it is.)
(I keep telling you, you come work for me, it's all maverick moves and no red tape. Leave all that U-S-A crap behind.)
[Tic-Tac? Ew. But lucky or not, maybe the reason he'd refrained is because he knew, in some weird osmotic way, about the short life and ill fate of "Lola"]
(No pressure.) [Metaphorically, at least. Shepard doesn't know how to-- to press, hand in hand, like this. She's never been about a gentle grip. But just the feeling of it, the sentiment, is almost enough to quell her.] (It's just... You know. Right?)
[Where did Falcon end and Sam Wilson begin? Where did Jane exist in the shadow of Commander Shepard? You can't be on-duty all the time.]
[ He loves country a little too much though - although honestly, it's not like he's planning to go back to his world, either. These days he's more and more skeptical that they'll get back any time soon, but that's... that's a conversation for another time.
Now he can feel her hand in his, and there's a soft exhale, a moment where things almost slip as his focus turns inward, as he lets the world narrow down to just their connection. Until their mental connection might as well be physical, until he can feel everything just as real, until they might as well be standing right next to each other - it's not something he's done all that much, but it's... it's Shepard.
It's Jane. It's the side of her that he wonders how many people get to see, more than the shared death experiences and the bleeding echoes of a long dead civilization, more than the vulnerability and grief and love and trust -
It's her. ]
(Yeah. Yeah, I know.) [ He's better able to balance the Falcon and Sam than some people he's known - but he knows just how damn important it is to be able to put down the mantle sometimes, to have someone who can just see you as the person you are.
He doesn't know how to say how much it means to him, that she trusts him with that. How badly he wants to be able to be that for her. So instead he pulls her in, a sensation like wings wrapping around them both, forehead resting against hers. ] (I don't mind a little pressure.)
[That's so like him. And that's the first thing she thinks, with nothing more than a roll of the eyes and an unwilling smile. For once, that lingering feeling of doubt, like a noose around her neck, doesn't exert itself. She opens her mouth, and the truth falls out.]
(Sam, I--)
[The truth almost falls out.
Instead, she hesitates, and the part of her that's always running calculations, always doing that brutal calculus snaps an inequity at her that is more than fair. She considers it, the whole of the two of them, with relationships spiraling out around them, momentarily visible like spider-web connections, linked by the Symbiote.
The Nest thinks it's trapped them.
But Shepard knows better; Sam would have become one of hers even without a chain to yank, not that she's been tempted. He was too dedicated, too skilled, too much like and unalike her in all the ways she's never been unable to recognize. Sometimes, you find your family, and sometimes it finds you. And with Thane, she had never been as honest as she should have. Caution and fear had made her waste what little time they had; a regret she'll never be able to kill, a wound that will never die. Never again.
Commander Shepard makes a decision. Jane is the one who carries it out.]
[ Sam was always hers. The symbiote may give them the tools to be closer, to have the kind of connection they have, to understand each other better than anything - but he chose to use it with her. He chose her, just as she chose him.
Just as he chose the Avengers, just as he chose every one of those relationships spiraling out from him, from them both. And they mean more to him than anything else in this place, than this whole mission - than damn near any mission.
The thing is that she doesn't have to say it. He knows, or at least a part of him knows, the part of him that's hers - the part of him that's her -
But she says it anyway, lets herself be honest, take the leap, and Sam pulls in a breath and lets it out, wings curling tighter.
There's no hesitation in his reply. ]
(I love you too.) [ He doesn't know what it means for them. He doesn't know what it means for the Nest, for their future, for if they go home or if they stay, for their broods and nestmates and the tangled web of relationships that have no definition, or at least not one that Sam had before he came here.
But he's loved her since their second or third meeting, and he's known since the day he saw her clone die. They're family, and he is hers the same way she is, and even if it changes nothing to admit it, it feels good.
To put words to the feeling that echoes through the Nest, to the love that'll be there long after both of them are gone. ]
[ Her face smashed in a pillow, hiding from the rays of the sun rising, ignoring the edges of a hangover; she's daydreaming, mind reaching -- fingers, not so subtle, intruding, sliding slowly. ]
[Bucky chuckles, shaking his head. This is nice. Despite wanting to leave Sam flowers anonymously, he's glad he got caught, if just so they could have this moment right here. There haven't been enough of them on this mission.]
(Guess I'll have to use these flowers I gave you to spruce myself up.)
[ Sam is - exhausted, and there’s a hollow, empty ache that echoes dully throughout everything.
But he welcomes the brush of Annie’s mind, even as insistent as that reaching is, and for her there's the ghost of a smile as he opens his mind to her, inviting her in. ]
[ So is Sam. This is the kind of thing he lives for, on missions like this - the reminder that things are good, that they can be happy.
Sam manages to resist the urge to childishly stick out his tongue, but it's a close call. Of course, the intention's probably clear through their connection anyway as he holds the flowers close. ]
(Oh hell no, these flowers are very important to me. We'll get you more.)
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