ic inbox - drift fleet

[sizeofyourbaggage]

You've reached Sam Wilson, you know what to do.

Comments

Slightly backdated to the Drift Week, before hitting Yadrolla

[hollowvictor]

[He'd been gone since the early morning, leaving Sam with a kiss and a brief explanation that he was going to 'go work.' Old habits that refused to die. It was well after what he suspected to be eleven by the time he came back to their room. And he was not in a good mood.

Anyone who didn't know him could probably tell he was irritable and stressed and exhausted. Anyone who did know him would also probably be able to tell it was all coming together into a bone-weariness similar to how he'd felt right before the war had finally broken out, just after Coin had been 'removed.' It was a weariness that went hand-in-hand with a sort of desperate hopelessness that only cropped up for him when it felt like he'd run out of options.

As he came back into their room, whether Sam was in it or not, he leaned against the nearest wall and dug his fingers and thumbs against his closed eyes and to his throbbing temples with a sigh. Eighteen hours of 'work' that was more like banging his head against a wall and all he had to show for it was the resulting headache.]

[sizeofyourbaggage]

[ It's hard seeing Bucky like this, but Sam knows the man he fell in love with. He's a workaholic - hell, they both are, to some extent - and he's spent too long not having much else besides the war. Sam's tried to be there to temper it like he'd done back in District 13, before the war really broke out, but things are different here. Both of them are scrambling with next to nothing, and Sam wants to go home. He's maybe a little too focused on work himself, on top of feeling like some days, it's all he can do to keep his mind sorted out.

He tries not to focus too much on feeling like if he was his old self, he'd know exactly what to say to pull Bucky back in. It's not true, he knows that, but there's moments when he can't help but feel it.

Like right now. Guilt spikes through him, sharp and deep, because he should have seen this coming. He did, somewhat, he'd known that Bucky would keep pushing himself to find a way out of here until he'd reached a point where he had nothing left, he'd just... hoped that it wouldn't be like Panem. That there'd be something, anything, for them to work with.

But still, he doesn't hesitate before he slides up behind Bucky, arms wrapping around his waist as he presses a kiss to the back of his neck. ]

Hey. Tell me about it?

[hollowvictor]

[It isn't an instant fix, but it's clear Bucky relaxes exponentially with Sam's touch and a gentle kiss. He leans into the hold gently, one of his hands finding Sam's to tangle their fingers together as the other swipes down Bucky's face like it can wipe the traces of the day away.]

I thought...there had to be something. The tech here's no different from home, some of it's even worse, I figured it'd be a piece of cake to find what someone else hadn't. This isn't new. But I've spent almost every day since arriving here trying to crack this place open...and I can't.

[His grip tightened and there was a note of something edging into hysteria in his voice Twhen he spoke next.] I mean I literally can't. there's something else going on here, but every time I sit down to hack even the simplest fragment of data, it's like I'm just a dumb farm kid again and I can't do shit with a machine.

[He pressed a knuckle to his eye and let out a breath, his voice evening out again with some work from Bucky. He couldn't lose it to his frustration and fear. God, he had a lot of fear right now.]

I'm sorry, Sam. I wanted to find the way back home and get us there, I wanted to come back with something to make this easier. [And he was making it harder. Sam needed the familiarity of his friends and their home and their lives. What if Bucky wasn't enough to keep him together? What if Bucky wasn't enough alone to help in the long run? What if he ran off like he did today and left Sam alone to his head and the dregs of the Capitol that would probably never leave him and it just made things worse?

He needed to get Sam home.

But he couldn't.]

[sizeofyourbaggage]

[ He presses closer when Bucky's grip on him gets tighter, holding onto him more securely. It's not much, but he can make sure Bucky's back fits right into the line of his front. On keeping his breathing slow and even, the rise and fall of his chest nice and steady.

None of what Bucky says is surprising - both because it's way too damn similar to how he'd felt waking up in the Capitol, and because he'd already tried to connect to any kind of frequency with no luck, on top of not being able to make sense of the guns that were supposed to be for security personnel.

They both hate feeling helpless, and he figures it's gotta be even worse for Bucky. At least this is the second time around for Sam; Bucky's never been the one trying to make sense of a world that isn't his. And it isn't fair. After everything Bucky'd gone through on his own world, he shouldn't have to deal with this, too.

But whatever he'd been half planning on saying about Bucky not having to do this alone vanishes the moment Bucky apologizes. When Sam realizes he's pushing himself in part because of Sam, because Bucky feels like he's letting him down, and that's - of course he does. For a moment, Sam loves him so damn much it's hard to breathe. ]

Sweetheart. [ He swallows, his free hand sliding up to rest over Bucky's heart. ] You did. I know - I know this isn't gonna be quick and easy, but that's okay. Because you're here. It's gonna be frustrating and feel like there's a million dead ends and there's so much waiting and trying not to go crazy, but I've done it before, and you make me remember that. I've got you, Bucky, I'm good.

[hollowvictor]

[He lets the endearment wash over him like a balm and the words following just add more to it. It doesn't feel like enough, he still expected more from himself...but what he was doing was as much for Sam as it was for himself, more, if he were honest. If Sam says he's good...then Bucky needs to trust him on that. He doesn't know if he'll be enough for Sam long-term, but he couldn't decide that for his love either.

He turned, doing his best not to pull too far away in the process, and looped his arms behind Sam's neck so he could rest their foreheads together.]

Okay...but tell me if you're ever not, no matter what, alright? We'll figure something out. I know we're in this together, but I'm still gonna fight like hell to keep you safe and whole, Sam Wilson.