Sam Wilson (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
sizeofyourbaggage) wrote2016-05-22 03:26 pm
sizeofyourbaggage) wrote2016-05-22 03:26 pm
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[In the back of Bucky's mind, there's a place that knows chasing happiness- chasing a high, really- is a bad idea. Separate from this, too, is the programming, burning him for wanting, for pursing that want, for engaging it. The two covalesce as Sam's lips part from his and Bucky's left breathless. A pleasant, summery haze has settled heavy in his head, but the programming is already at work attempting to evaporate every drop of happiness, to return the Soldier to a sterile, neutral affect.
However, it does have the side effect of clearing his head, of allowing him to actually think about Sam's question instead of glossing over it. He... honestly doesn't know. The words have only ever been utilized to use him: extract information, tame him, provide protection. If someone with kinder intentions said them, he's uncertain of their effect. What he does understand from decades of hearing them, however, is that they create a sense of safety, as oxymoronic as it sounds.
With the words, the Soldier- Bucky- can never be too erratic, too dangerous, too fast. He pulls up the second-hand memories of the robbery on the Waypoint, of the Soldier moving for the door. Saying the words should, in theory, prevent the Soldier from getting out into an innocent population. In regards to the smaller level issues like saying no and wanting things, though, only testing could provide answers.
Sitting a touch further back, but keeping at least one point of contact with Sam, he bites his bottom lip and drops his gaze.]
However, it does have the side effect of clearing his head, of allowing him to actually think about Sam's question instead of glossing over it. He... honestly doesn't know. The words have only ever been utilized to use him: extract information, tame him, provide protection. If someone with kinder intentions said them, he's uncertain of their effect. What he does understand from decades of hearing them, however, is that they create a sense of safety, as oxymoronic as it sounds.
With the words, the Soldier- Bucky- can never be too erratic, too dangerous, too fast. He pulls up the second-hand memories of the robbery on the Waypoint, of the Soldier moving for the door. Saying the words should, in theory, prevent the Soldier from getting out into an innocent population. In regards to the smaller level issues like saying no and wanting things, though, only testing could provide answers.
Sitting a touch further back, but keeping at least one point of contact with Sam, he bites his bottom lip and drops his gaze.]
( Yeah. )
[ Except no - Sam'd cared about Nyx, a hell of a lot, but Nyx wasn't as closely wound in as Steve was.
He might have been, though, but that's not something Sam wants to think about. There's no use living in what ifs. ]
( I tried to shield her from the rest of the Nest. I'm better at it now than I was with Zhukov, but, uh. Our minds got up close and personal there for a bit, I guess. )
[ He needs to train it more, maybe, this ability he's got to make the rest of the Nest go quiet at least for a little while - but it's hard to do that when he knows how close he gets with anyone he uses it with. ]
[ Except no - Sam'd cared about Nyx, a hell of a lot, but Nyx wasn't as closely wound in as Steve was.
He might have been, though, but that's not something Sam wants to think about. There's no use living in what ifs. ]
( I tried to shield her from the rest of the Nest. I'm better at it now than I was with Zhukov, but, uh. Our minds got up close and personal there for a bit, I guess. )
[ He needs to train it more, maybe, this ability he's got to make the rest of the Nest go quiet at least for a little while - but it's hard to do that when he knows how close he gets with anyone he uses it with. ]
[ It's a great idea as far as Sam's concerned. Or at least - it's a great idea to pursue what makes you happy, except maybe this should come with some actual talking about things and figuring things out. The programming is its own brand of hell.
Sam's always at least subconsciously aware of it, as strong as his and Bucky's connection is, and there's a part of him that rears up protectively when he feels it trying to burn out Bucky's happiness, trying to take away what he wants and leave him empty. He wants to fight, to haul Bucky in and chase off the programming, but they've learned first hand that facing it head on doesn't always work, and they've always had better outcomes at trying to subvert it.
Bucky still wants to protect everyone else, and Sam - loves him a little bit more, right then, even as he feels a little nauseous. Sam knows exactly how good of a person Bucky is, how much he wants to help people and how much he doesn't want to be used to hurt anyone again, but having someone say the words to make sure that happens...
And part of him wonders, how much of this is just because the words are what Bucky's conditioned to see as safe? Just to keep him in check, because that's what he's always known? But Sam has never treated Bucky like anything less than a person, never like someone who was fragile and couldn't handle himself, and he won't start now.
He won't do this to tame Bucky, to make him safer - to take away his ability to protect himself and react when he sees a threat. But their symbiote bond is strong, growing stronger every day, and it's been enough to challenge the programming in the past. Combine it with the words, and maybe they can subvert the programming more, give Bucky more control of himself.
Sam opens his mind wider, tugging on their brood link and beckoning Bucky in towards his mind. It's safer in there, with the programming at work. ]
( Come here? We can talk about how we're gonna do this. )
Sam's always at least subconsciously aware of it, as strong as his and Bucky's connection is, and there's a part of him that rears up protectively when he feels it trying to burn out Bucky's happiness, trying to take away what he wants and leave him empty. He wants to fight, to haul Bucky in and chase off the programming, but they've learned first hand that facing it head on doesn't always work, and they've always had better outcomes at trying to subvert it.
Bucky still wants to protect everyone else, and Sam - loves him a little bit more, right then, even as he feels a little nauseous. Sam knows exactly how good of a person Bucky is, how much he wants to help people and how much he doesn't want to be used to hurt anyone again, but having someone say the words to make sure that happens...
And part of him wonders, how much of this is just because the words are what Bucky's conditioned to see as safe? Just to keep him in check, because that's what he's always known? But Sam has never treated Bucky like anything less than a person, never like someone who was fragile and couldn't handle himself, and he won't start now.
He won't do this to tame Bucky, to make him safer - to take away his ability to protect himself and react when he sees a threat. But their symbiote bond is strong, growing stronger every day, and it's been enough to challenge the programming in the past. Combine it with the words, and maybe they can subvert the programming more, give Bucky more control of himself.
Sam opens his mind wider, tugging on their brood link and beckoning Bucky in towards his mind. It's safer in there, with the programming at work. ]
( Come here? We can talk about how we're gonna do this. )
(Are you okay? You aren't hurt... or anything?)
[That's his concern here. That's all he's worried about right now. He'd only caught the edges of Annie's loss, the trails of her grief, but that had been more than enough to make him shut the connection down as tightly as possible.]
[For someone who does what Sam can do...]
[He can't imagine how bad it was. If he's comparing it to what happened with Zhukov.]
[Shiro's feet are moving. He'll trust whichever answer Sam gives, but here in the moment, he just wants to be sure. Needs to be sure.]
[That's his concern here. That's all he's worried about right now. He'd only caught the edges of Annie's loss, the trails of her grief, but that had been more than enough to make him shut the connection down as tightly as possible.]
[For someone who does what Sam can do...]
[He can't imagine how bad it was. If he's comparing it to what happened with Zhukov.]
[Shiro's feet are moving. He'll trust whichever answer Sam gives, but here in the moment, he just wants to be sure. Needs to be sure.]
( Mom and dad, and a sister. We were eighteen when we enlisted. ) [ There's a smile in his mental voice as talks about him - more sweet than bitter, though it hadn't always been that way. ] ( He dated off and on, same as me, but nothing took. Probably don't gotta tell you it's hard to date civilians, and we were more than enough for each other. )
[ He knows exactly how that sounds, and doesn't temper it. No, he and Riley were never a couple, and no, they never wanted to be - their intimacy had nothing to do with sex, and everything to do with the rush of wind in their ears and the beat of metal wings. ]
( Him and me and the sky, there was nothing better. ) [ So it fits that Sam lost both Riley and the sky at the same damn time, but that's not what this is about. His mind opens a little bit more - not that he's ever really closed to her, but this time it's more purposeful. ] ( You wanna see first hand? )
[ He knows exactly how that sounds, and doesn't temper it. No, he and Riley were never a couple, and no, they never wanted to be - their intimacy had nothing to do with sex, and everything to do with the rush of wind in their ears and the beat of metal wings. ]
( Him and me and the sky, there was nothing better. ) [ So it fits that Sam lost both Riley and the sky at the same damn time, but that's not what this is about. His mind opens a little bit more - not that he's ever really closed to her, but this time it's more purposeful. ] ( You wanna see first hand? )
[There's the impression of something, just for a moment as he opens up to her. Blue, very blue. The pressure of a Biotic field, the fearless zing of sniper-fire from behind; a Turian silhouette at her six. It never occurs to Shepard ot think first of sex, because a partnership like that... yeah, she gets that. There's no Shepard, after all, without Vakarian.]
( Shit, Sam. You know I do. )
( Shit, Sam. You know I do. )
[ That's one of the reasons he hadn't bothered to qualify it - the handful of people who'd ever understood without him having to clarify had been soldiers who knew what it was to have that kind of partnership. He feels the echo of her memory, a silhouette he only recognizes because of his connection with her - and yeah, hell yeah, of course she gets it.
It's not the way he feels about her, but then, he's never felt about anyone the way he feels about her. It'd take more than he's got right now to untangle it, and he doesn't bother to try now any more than he has in the past.
Instead there's the impression of a smile at her answer, and he gives himself over into memory.
There’s nothing but blue up here, sharp and clear and lit up by the gleam of the sun at his back - but the warmth he feels is from the wind buffeting him, from the hot metal of the pack he wears. It’s not as bad as the previous model, the one that’d scorched through their uniforms, and it’s comforting.
“Race you,” Riley’s voice over the comms in his ear, and Sam twists just enough to see the smirk on his face before it’s hidden by flare of his wings -
He lets out a whoop of joy as he folds his wings in, shoulders straining a little as he forces tired muscles to keep working, but it’s drowned out but the swoop in his stomach as he barrels down. The ground’s nothing more than green and brown splotches, and out of the corner of his eye he can see Redwing beating him, spreading his arms out to catch himself and shooting back up towards what’s supposed to be their testing altitude.
Sam laughs, wild and free and shouts “come on” to be heard over the wind, even though he doesn’t need to with the comms. He lets go, arms slipping out of their straps on the wings, and Redwing follows his thought process immediately.
Redwing drops back down, wings retracting and plummeting down towards him until Sam catches him, one arm around his waist and the other linking up with Riley’s as they pull each other in close. Sam’s wings beat to adjust to the added weight, muscles in his back that he didn’t even know he had until he got the wings shifting and pulling as he evens them out.
He pulls out of the memory then, still warm and fond, and lets the feeling linger. ]
It's not the way he feels about her, but then, he's never felt about anyone the way he feels about her. It'd take more than he's got right now to untangle it, and he doesn't bother to try now any more than he has in the past.
Instead there's the impression of a smile at her answer, and he gives himself over into memory.
There’s nothing but blue up here, sharp and clear and lit up by the gleam of the sun at his back - but the warmth he feels is from the wind buffeting him, from the hot metal of the pack he wears. It’s not as bad as the previous model, the one that’d scorched through their uniforms, and it’s comforting.
“Race you,” Riley’s voice over the comms in his ear, and Sam twists just enough to see the smirk on his face before it’s hidden by flare of his wings -
He lets out a whoop of joy as he folds his wings in, shoulders straining a little as he forces tired muscles to keep working, but it’s drowned out but the swoop in his stomach as he barrels down. The ground’s nothing more than green and brown splotches, and out of the corner of his eye he can see Redwing beating him, spreading his arms out to catch himself and shooting back up towards what’s supposed to be their testing altitude.
Sam laughs, wild and free and shouts “come on” to be heard over the wind, even though he doesn’t need to with the comms. He lets go, arms slipping out of their straps on the wings, and Redwing follows his thought process immediately.
Redwing drops back down, wings retracting and plummeting down towards him until Sam catches him, one arm around his waist and the other linking up with Riley’s as they pull each other in close. Sam’s wings beat to adjust to the added weight, muscles in his back that he didn’t even know he had until he got the wings shifting and pulling as he evens them out.
He pulls out of the memory then, still warm and fond, and lets the feeling linger. ]
[ Sam huffs out a laugh, the connection between them sparking bright with amusement, for a moment sharpening from the dull detached cloud that he’s been in to avoid having to process his grief. It’s not quite that he comes to life - but it is, a little, glimmers of sun sweeping back in through the fog. ]
I can’t believe you just Han Solo’d me, man. And you probably don’t even know who that is, so I know that’s just you. I’ll tell you now, though, if we do matching costumes I ain’t wearing a gold bikini. [ His fingers slip through Bucky’s hair, petting just a little bit before he tangles them deeper to scratch over Bucky’s scalp, trying to make eye contact. ] Next time you wonder if you ever help, I want you to think of right now.
I can’t believe you just Han Solo’d me, man. And you probably don’t even know who that is, so I know that’s just you. I’ll tell you now, though, if we do matching costumes I ain’t wearing a gold bikini. [ His fingers slip through Bucky’s hair, petting just a little bit before he tangles them deeper to scratch over Bucky’s scalp, trying to make eye contact. ] Next time you wonder if you ever help, I want you to think of right now.
[Shepard's taken jet pack training, but it's been a very long time. And even then, strapped onto what was, essentially, a very powerful kick in the ass was nothing like this. The freedom of it, the pure, expressive maneuverability, closest thing to being a bird. Nothing in Shepard's experience of flight compared to it, the way you could be lazy,or daring, or wild. the closest she'd ever come was the few times, standing behind Joker's pilot seat, that she'd given him free reign and all the power of the Normandy's oversized drive core to play with.
But that was a frigate large enough to hold a crew compliment of dozens. This was just one pair of wings, and the wind, and another. Shepard forgets to drink, letting the sensation come down around her like lingering embers, dancing lights from an unseen fire.
Alright, then.
Alright.
Alright.]
( Ask me. )
[An offer made for Sam alone, and no one else.]
But that was a frigate large enough to hold a crew compliment of dozens. This was just one pair of wings, and the wind, and another. Shepard forgets to drink, letting the sensation come down around her like lingering embers, dancing lights from an unseen fire.
Alright, then.
Alright.
Alright.]
( Ask me. )
[An offer made for Sam alone, and no one else.]
[Bucky's grateful that the usual burn of the programming seems more subdued than when he directly refuses. Instead of white-hot iron pressed to every bone in his body, it's like standing in an oven: radiating pain and heat rather than direct and sharp. This he can deal with. This he doesn't need to escape from right away. Bucky still keeps a hand on their broodlink, on the brush of fir and pine.
Over the link, though, there's no ignoring Sam's uncertainty, his reluctance to remove the muzzle on Bucky if only to place a leash. There's no guarantee that the words will even grant that sort of freedom. There's also not a sure way to know when to say them, either. In Berlin, the guy had only needed the words, but then the Soldier broke loose, in a way, turned on the speaker, and sought extraction. However, when coming out of cryo, with the machine, the danger seemed limited. Maybe a wipe is needed, to clear out the space for the Soldier without as much Bucky in the way. His power might give that to them and Sam could bring him back.
He hopes. Coming back is never a sure thing.
But for the potential reward of protecting the Nest, protecting Sam? Bucky would.
Sliding into the shared mind space, the forested path connecting them, is easier than ever. He's here.]
Over the link, though, there's no ignoring Sam's uncertainty, his reluctance to remove the muzzle on Bucky if only to place a leash. There's no guarantee that the words will even grant that sort of freedom. There's also not a sure way to know when to say them, either. In Berlin, the guy had only needed the words, but then the Soldier broke loose, in a way, turned on the speaker, and sought extraction. However, when coming out of cryo, with the machine, the danger seemed limited. Maybe a wipe is needed, to clear out the space for the Soldier without as much Bucky in the way. His power might give that to them and Sam could bring him back.
He hopes. Coming back is never a sure thing.
But for the potential reward of protecting the Nest, protecting Sam? Bucky would.
Sliding into the shared mind space, the forested path connecting them, is easier than ever. He's here.]
[ Bucky can deal with it, maybe, but it still makes Sam's defenses pull up a little. Bucky's happiness is... really, really important to him, and he hates that the programming continues to try to take that from him.
All he wants is - well, honestly, he just wants Bucky, in whatever way Bucky wants to let him have - but aside from that, is for Bucky to be able to be himself. If this works, god if this works, if it makes it easier for Bucky to be able to want things, to choose what orders he wants to follow and have his own opinions without fighting the programming tooth and nail, if this takes how far they've already come and pushes it more...
Sam allows himself a moment to enjoy his broodmate being more present in his mind, like the puffed up feathers of a pleased bird brushing against Bucky, delighting in the contact. Then he focuses more on the proposal, purposefully not letting himself think too much more about what this means and mulling over Bucky's thoughts on the when and the how. ]
( We'll bring you back. I'll always come for you, Bucky, no matter what. ) [ Always, in this and anything else. One way another, Bucky won't ever be left alone again, won't ever be completely erased and controlled. ] ( That's... not a bad idea. We know your power flips the switch, we could do it then. Get a plan in place for it happening again, make it so you can assess things appropriately instead of everything being a threat? )
[ There's a pause as he tries to figure out how to phrase what he wants to say next. ] ( What would be the ideal situation, for you? )
All he wants is - well, honestly, he just wants Bucky, in whatever way Bucky wants to let him have - but aside from that, is for Bucky to be able to be himself. If this works, god if this works, if it makes it easier for Bucky to be able to want things, to choose what orders he wants to follow and have his own opinions without fighting the programming tooth and nail, if this takes how far they've already come and pushes it more...
Sam allows himself a moment to enjoy his broodmate being more present in his mind, like the puffed up feathers of a pleased bird brushing against Bucky, delighting in the contact. Then he focuses more on the proposal, purposefully not letting himself think too much more about what this means and mulling over Bucky's thoughts on the when and the how. ]
( We'll bring you back. I'll always come for you, Bucky, no matter what. ) [ Always, in this and anything else. One way another, Bucky won't ever be left alone again, won't ever be completely erased and controlled. ] ( That's... not a bad idea. We know your power flips the switch, we could do it then. Get a plan in place for it happening again, make it so you can assess things appropriately instead of everything being a threat? )
[ There's a pause as he tries to figure out how to phrase what he wants to say next. ] ( What would be the ideal situation, for you? )
[Before Bucky can even comment- before he can ask who or what a Han Solo is- Sam is there to provide even more non sequitors. Why would Sam wear a gold bikini? Wouldn't that attract enemies and leave Sam's very vital organs exposed for anyone to attack?
Well, regardless of that, Bucky curls a protective arm about Sam's side, though he's not entirely sure why. Maybe to protect said vital organs. He glances up at Sam's continued response, though, about helping and another bloom joins those scattered through Bucky's metal landscape. Yeah, maybe he is helping. Maybe. ]
Well, regardless of that, Bucky curls a protective arm about Sam's side, though he's not entirely sure why. Maybe to protect said vital organs. He glances up at Sam's continued response, though, about helping and another bloom joins those scattered through Bucky's metal landscape. Yeah, maybe he is helping. Maybe. ]
[ There's nothing like his wings, really, not on his world or any other one he's come across. There's things that are close, sure, enough for people to be able to relate - but nothing's been the same.
It's only like this, sharing the memory with her and having her really experience it, that he feels like he isn't alone in the sky.
He basks in the feeling for a moment longer, letting it fade only when she makes a decision. ]
( Tell me about him? )
[ Not the one that Riley had reminded her of, who'd sprung up so easily in her mind. The one that she never talks about, the one she'd loved like no one else.
The one he might not even know existed if it weren't - well. If their connection weren't what it was, if they weren't what they are to each other. ]
It's only like this, sharing the memory with her and having her really experience it, that he feels like he isn't alone in the sky.
He basks in the feeling for a moment longer, letting it fade only when she makes a decision. ]
( Tell me about him? )
[ Not the one that Riley had reminded her of, who'd sprung up so easily in her mind. The one that she never talks about, the one she'd loved like no one else.
The one he might not even know existed if it weren't - well. If their connection weren't what it was, if they weren't what they are to each other. ]
( Thane was... )
[Was. That is, after all, the key qualifier. Shepard takes another drink, partly in a stall for time, and partly in a fruitless grasp for inspiration. Thane had been a shadow at her shoulder, the unseen ally in a fight, the only sniper she ever really trusted, outside of Garrus. She had quietly resented James' combat presence for the entire first month of the Reaper War, if only because he hadn't been that.]
( I never met a Drell, before him. They always seemed too weird, like... lizard-people. Rubber mask sci-fi bullshit, you know? I was kind of an asshole about it, to be honest. Then, I met him on a job, and he put down a whole room of mercs before I could even draw. It was... like watching a dance. You ever meet somebody and you just know, they're gonna be trouble? Like, you'll help 'em hide from the cops and bury the bodies trouble? )
[Not that Thane would ever be so gauche as to get caught by anything so mundane as local law enforcement. But the point still stands. Shepard had experienced one brief moment of the deadly action of the Galaxy's deadliest assassin and had rightly thought I'm so screwed.]
( ...He was so fucking beautiful. )
[Was. That is, after all, the key qualifier. Shepard takes another drink, partly in a stall for time, and partly in a fruitless grasp for inspiration. Thane had been a shadow at her shoulder, the unseen ally in a fight, the only sniper she ever really trusted, outside of Garrus. She had quietly resented James' combat presence for the entire first month of the Reaper War, if only because he hadn't been that.]
( I never met a Drell, before him. They always seemed too weird, like... lizard-people. Rubber mask sci-fi bullshit, you know? I was kind of an asshole about it, to be honest. Then, I met him on a job, and he put down a whole room of mercs before I could even draw. It was... like watching a dance. You ever meet somebody and you just know, they're gonna be trouble? Like, you'll help 'em hide from the cops and bury the bodies trouble? )
[Not that Thane would ever be so gauche as to get caught by anything so mundane as local law enforcement. But the point still stands. Shepard had experienced one brief moment of the deadly action of the Galaxy's deadliest assassin and had rightly thought I'm so screwed.]
( ...He was so fucking beautiful. )
Edited (so many spelling errors...) 2017-11-01 03:53 (UTC)
[When designed by HYDRA, programmed to be a weapon and nothing more, happiness was never something allowed. Happiness would bridge into other emotions, other issues that could stand in the way of the Soldier functioning as a thing instead of a human.
But now that Bucky's gotten a taste of what it's like to be a person, to feel and want and live, he never wants to go back. There are so many unknown variables surrounding this fledgling plan and yet moving forward seems the best option. With Sam in his head and vice versa, Bucky's comfort grows, mentally leaning against Sam to simply be there with his broodmate, the fear quieting bit by bit.
I'll always come for you rings in his head, resonating with the old anxieties of being left behind, of laying in the cold, of staring up at the disappearing freight train. He loves Sam with every ounce of his person and yet that emotion can't quite drown out the memory of breathing with a broken body, knowing no one is coming for him. Or facing the cold of cryo, locked away where no one will find him.
That won't happen. Not with Sam.
The question reminds Bucky of the warnings that preceded the mission. Is this the best time to try something like this?
Or would they be better suited for attempting on the Station? Bucky's not sure. They could go out to the desert if needed and the lack of tech may work to their favor.]
( Not sure. )
But now that Bucky's gotten a taste of what it's like to be a person, to feel and want and live, he never wants to go back. There are so many unknown variables surrounding this fledgling plan and yet moving forward seems the best option. With Sam in his head and vice versa, Bucky's comfort grows, mentally leaning against Sam to simply be there with his broodmate, the fear quieting bit by bit.
I'll always come for you rings in his head, resonating with the old anxieties of being left behind, of laying in the cold, of staring up at the disappearing freight train. He loves Sam with every ounce of his person and yet that emotion can't quite drown out the memory of breathing with a broken body, knowing no one is coming for him. Or facing the cold of cryo, locked away where no one will find him.
That won't happen. Not with Sam.
The question reminds Bucky of the warnings that preceded the mission. Is this the best time to try something like this?
Or would they be better suited for attempting on the Station? Bucky's not sure. They could go out to the desert if needed and the lack of tech may work to their favor.]
( Not sure. )
[ There's gleaming flares of amusement when he can feel Bucky's puzzlement, soft and fond, that deepen into a contentment that's a little more focused when he slides an arm around him.
It's pretty clear that Sam likes the physical contact, though he doesn't comment on it. ]
( There's so much that I'm looking forward to sharing with you. ) [ The music stored on his phone back at the station, the stories of all the good movies and books Bucky missed, a hundred or so meals to figure out what he likes, a thousand soft touches to figure things out on both sides - and Sam's more grateful than ever to Bucky for giving him this, a moment of things to look forward to instead of spiraling down into the past and having to drag himself back out.
He gives a pleased hum as another bloom crops up. ] ( Got a surprise for you back on the Station. I mean - nothing big, kind of got it as a joke, but I think you might like it. )
It's pretty clear that Sam likes the physical contact, though he doesn't comment on it. ]
( There's so much that I'm looking forward to sharing with you. ) [ The music stored on his phone back at the station, the stories of all the good movies and books Bucky missed, a hundred or so meals to figure out what he likes, a thousand soft touches to figure things out on both sides - and Sam's more grateful than ever to Bucky for giving him this, a moment of things to look forward to instead of spiraling down into the past and having to drag himself back out.
He gives a pleased hum as another bloom crops up. ] ( Got a surprise for you back on the Station. I mean - nothing big, kind of got it as a joke, but I think you might like it. )
[ It'll be worth it. Hell, it's practically worth it now, feeling how much Bucky wants - well, how much he wants. That he wants at all, let alone that he wants to be a person, that he wants to have feelings.
That he wants to live. That - shit, that's worth everything. There's very little that Sam wouldn't do for that, Potentially facing the Soldier again, trying to rewrite the programming - why the hell not? It's not like they haven't used their brood bond to subvert it before, and it's not like Sam hadn't already thought of trying to use it to slowly burn out the programming.
They might as well use it against it, and if Bucky trusts him with this, for whatever reason - Sam will just have to make sure he demonstrates that he's worthy of that, that he makes sure he deserves it.
Both Bucky’s trust and the fact that Bucky actually challenges all his other experiences there, where he was always left behind or alone. Sam’s breath catches, the wings of his mind wrapping warm and solid around Bucky’s mental presence, twining their bond just a little bit more together. For once there's nothing he can say to express just how damn much he loves this man, so he just holds on.
He follows Bucky's thought process, humming absently in agreement. ]
( There's lots of places to get some distance, and we won't be indoors like on the Station. But I - what are you looking for me to say? I can suggest what came to my mind and get your response if you're not up to to answering that, but I figured I'd give you the floor first. )
That he wants to live. That - shit, that's worth everything. There's very little that Sam wouldn't do for that, Potentially facing the Soldier again, trying to rewrite the programming - why the hell not? It's not like they haven't used their brood bond to subvert it before, and it's not like Sam hadn't already thought of trying to use it to slowly burn out the programming.
They might as well use it against it, and if Bucky trusts him with this, for whatever reason - Sam will just have to make sure he demonstrates that he's worthy of that, that he makes sure he deserves it.
Both Bucky’s trust and the fact that Bucky actually challenges all his other experiences there, where he was always left behind or alone. Sam’s breath catches, the wings of his mind wrapping warm and solid around Bucky’s mental presence, twining their bond just a little bit more together. For once there's nothing he can say to express just how damn much he loves this man, so he just holds on.
He follows Bucky's thought process, humming absently in agreement. ]
( There's lots of places to get some distance, and we won't be indoors like on the Station. But I - what are you looking for me to say? I can suggest what came to my mind and get your response if you're not up to to answering that, but I figured I'd give you the floor first. )
[Bucky blinks for a moment at Sam. He's never known anyone who wanted to share things with him willingly, much less want to do so. Over the link, the enthusiasm reinforces Sam's words and Bucky finds himself a touch overwhelmed. However, he remembers the trees in his mind, the deep, rich forest that he never knew about until Sam. Maybe that's what Sam means, to open up his mind more, show him that he's more than what HYDRA made him.
The remark of a gift earns raised eyebrows. A joke gift?] ( Okay. ) [Questioning, ware, unsure.]
The remark of a gift earns raised eyebrows. A joke gift?] ( Okay. ) [Questioning, ware, unsure.]
Edited 2017-11-04 13:56 (UTC)
[The problem is that Bucky doesn't know. He doesn't know what he wants Sam to say or how to say it. Bucky himself has no plan other than waiting until the Station so they don't compromise the mission, but, as Sam says, there's a lot more wide open space here, no narrow corridors of innocents the Soldier can slice through at a moment's notice.
He pauses. He wonders if his desire to not use the words here and now has to do with the mission itself or just how much distance the Soldier could put between him and the camp if released. Maybe all that space has its own downfalls; there are no locked doors between a loose Soldier and miles and miles of desert.
Would Sam come bring him back then? Would he be able to?
In the back of his mind, the programming whispers would he want to? Why would a leader take time to go in search of an erratic weapon with such an important mission?]
He pauses. He wonders if his desire to not use the words here and now has to do with the mission itself or just how much distance the Soldier could put between him and the camp if released. Maybe all that space has its own downfalls; there are no locked doors between a loose Soldier and miles and miles of desert.
Would Sam come bring him back then? Would he be able to?
In the back of his mind, the programming whispers would he want to? Why would a leader take time to go in search of an erratic weapon with such an important mission?]
( I'm... ) [ His hesitation isn't because he doesn't want to tell Shiro how he is, it's more because... honestly, he's not really sure.
It's not really bad like it'd been with Zhukov, or the time on Waypoint when fighting the programming with Bucky had ripped his mind to shreds, it'd just been... intense. ]
( I'm not hurt. It's just a lot, sometimes. And other times I think I'm way more used to all this than I ever thought I'd be. )
It's not really bad like it'd been with Zhukov, or the time on Waypoint when fighting the programming with Bucky had ripped his mind to shreds, it'd just been... intense. ]
( I'm not hurt. It's just a lot, sometimes. And other times I think I'm way more used to all this than I ever thought I'd be. )
[ Something like that, yeah. Well - yes, exactly that, Sam wants to show Bucky that he's so much more than what HYDRA made him. But along with that, he wants to be the one there to share all these new experiences with Bucky and he wants Bucky there to share in his and it's -
Well. Probably a little too much for right now, so he doesn't go any further with that. ]
( I got you flowers too, kind of. ) [ There's a undercurrent to his words across the mental link, an offer to explain what it is if Bucky's uncomfortable - he gets the uncertainty making Bucky wary. ]
Well. Probably a little too much for right now, so he doesn't go any further with that. ]
( I got you flowers too, kind of. ) [ There's a undercurrent to his words across the mental link, an offer to explain what it is if Bucky's uncomfortable - he gets the uncertainty making Bucky wary. ]
(All right. All right...)
[He can accept 'not hurt'. As much as it still makes him want to kick down the door, so to speak, he can accept it.]
[The urge to go to him is still very, very strong, though.]
(Do you need anything?)
[He can accept 'not hurt'. As much as it still makes him want to kick down the door, so to speak, he can accept it.]
[The urge to go to him is still very, very strong, though.]
(Do you need anything?)
[ Yeah, yeah Sam knows exactly what she means. That's been the story of his life from the moment Steve and Nat showed up on his doorstep and he let 'em in, no questions asked. He keeps the memory to himself, because this is about her and Thane right now and all he's gonna do is listen, but the understanding trickles around to curl around them.
Hell, that'd been Shepard herself, both in being hit with how damn beautiful she is and in I'm so fucking screwed.
He hums softly, the feeling of eyelashes brushing skin as he closes his eyes to try to picture it. ]
( Show me? )
Hell, that'd been Shepard herself, both in being hit with how damn beautiful she is and in I'm so fucking screwed.
He hums softly, the feeling of eyelashes brushing skin as he closes his eyes to try to picture it. ]
( Show me? )
[Shepard balks, and it's kneejerk-- not because it's Sam, but because it's anyone. Shepard holds this part of herself so tightly because letting any part of it loose means that she can't be sure of protecting any of it.
But the moment passes
Drell memory is perfect. Human memory was never so infalliable, but Shepard's memory of the moment she first met Thane is tinged by later experience, later knowledge of the day brought from another perspective. Thane's rasping voice, deep and low in his throat, --But someone else was pushing to reach the target. Forcing me to move faster. Challenging me. I had to reach her first.
Sunset, on Illium. The light shining florid in golden-red and warm violets through chrome and glass and endless skycar traffic. Shepard remembered the weight of the Cerberus-issue armor, ill-fitting and over-strong, but still comforting in its undeniable realness. Garrus at her elbow, rifle loose and confident in his hands, with Miranda at the door, dark Serrice pistol and pale confidence in four-inch heels. Shepard barely remembered what Nassana had said, but she did remember this: two Human bodyguards and an Asari, eclipse armor. The sunlight shining full behind them, casting their bodies in silhouette.
Pride is the line between a professional and a thug.
Thane dropped behind them, silent as a shadow, in full view of the sun. No one saw, no one looked at him, except for Shepard. It happened too fast to more than follow. There was a flash of dark Drell eyes over the shoulder of one guard, and then-- in Shepard's mind she saw it as the dance it truly was. He whirled from partner to partner as each came to meet him, and stepped into Nassana's arms with a lover's tenderness. She died, choking on the shock while he looked down at her in a way that might have been comforting, if he hadn't just ended her life.
And Thane lay her down, gently, respectfully, and bent his folded hands, head bowed in prayer. Shepard lets that last moment linger. She hadn't known anything about him, then, only that... that she wanted him to come with her. To be her friend, for no other reason than because he was so damned beautiful.
Amonkira, Lord of Hunters, grant that my hands be steady, my aim be true, and my feet swift.]
( That was Thane. He'd be all practical streak and killer instinct one minute, then prayers for the wicked in the next. Did you know, he's the only person I ever met, who signed on with me for no better reason than because I was trying to save the galaxy? )
[...And should the worst come to pass, grant me forgiveness.]
But the moment passes
Drell memory is perfect. Human memory was never so infalliable, but Shepard's memory of the moment she first met Thane is tinged by later experience, later knowledge of the day brought from another perspective. Thane's rasping voice, deep and low in his throat, --But someone else was pushing to reach the target. Forcing me to move faster. Challenging me. I had to reach her first.
Sunset, on Illium. The light shining florid in golden-red and warm violets through chrome and glass and endless skycar traffic. Shepard remembered the weight of the Cerberus-issue armor, ill-fitting and over-strong, but still comforting in its undeniable realness. Garrus at her elbow, rifle loose and confident in his hands, with Miranda at the door, dark Serrice pistol and pale confidence in four-inch heels. Shepard barely remembered what Nassana had said, but she did remember this: two Human bodyguards and an Asari, eclipse armor. The sunlight shining full behind them, casting their bodies in silhouette.
Pride is the line between a professional and a thug.
Thane dropped behind them, silent as a shadow, in full view of the sun. No one saw, no one looked at him, except for Shepard. It happened too fast to more than follow. There was a flash of dark Drell eyes over the shoulder of one guard, and then-- in Shepard's mind she saw it as the dance it truly was. He whirled from partner to partner as each came to meet him, and stepped into Nassana's arms with a lover's tenderness. She died, choking on the shock while he looked down at her in a way that might have been comforting, if he hadn't just ended her life.
And Thane lay her down, gently, respectfully, and bent his folded hands, head bowed in prayer. Shepard lets that last moment linger. She hadn't known anything about him, then, only that... that she wanted him to come with her. To be her friend, for no other reason than because he was so damned beautiful.
Amonkira, Lord of Hunters, grant that my hands be steady, my aim be true, and my feet swift.]
( That was Thane. He'd be all practical streak and killer instinct one minute, then prayers for the wicked in the next. Did you know, he's the only person I ever met, who signed on with me for no better reason than because I was trying to save the galaxy? )
[...And should the worst come to pass, grant me forgiveness.]
Edited 2017-11-06 01:39 (UTC)
[ He waits. He'll understand if it's something she wants to keep to herself, something that's just hers - he has those, too, and he knows there's nothing personal about it - but when she lets go, he gives it his full attention.
Nothing else exists for the moment, just the memory tempered not by the moment, but by a dozen moments afterward, by everything that Thane means to Shepard.
She's right. He is beautiful. ]
( There is no better reason. )
[ It's fond and bittersweet, tinged with the love he can feel from Shepard - Sam doesn't know Thane Krios, but the depth of Shepard's feelings for him are enough that somewhere in him is a little bit in love with a man he'll never meet - and with his own experience in what it means to have someone who just trusts you.
Who just believes in you, no questions asked, who just sees what you're doing and knows it's worth fighting for. ]
Nothing else exists for the moment, just the memory tempered not by the moment, but by a dozen moments afterward, by everything that Thane means to Shepard.
She's right. He is beautiful. ]
( There is no better reason. )
[ It's fond and bittersweet, tinged with the love he can feel from Shepard - Sam doesn't know Thane Krios, but the depth of Shepard's feelings for him are enough that somewhere in him is a little bit in love with a man he'll never meet - and with his own experience in what it means to have someone who just trusts you.
Who just believes in you, no questions asked, who just sees what you're doing and knows it's worth fighting for. ]
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