[In the back of Bucky's mind, there's a place that knows chasing happiness- chasing a high, really- is a bad idea. Separate from this, too, is the programming, burning him for wanting, for pursing that want, for engaging it. The two covalesce as Sam's lips part from his and Bucky's left breathless. A pleasant, summery haze has settled heavy in his head, but the programming is already at work attempting to evaporate every drop of happiness, to return the Soldier to a sterile, neutral affect.
However, it does have the side effect of clearing his head, of allowing him to actually think about Sam's question instead of glossing over it. He... honestly doesn't know. The words have only ever been utilized to use him: extract information, tame him, provide protection. If someone with kinder intentions said them, he's uncertain of their effect. What he does understand from decades of hearing them, however, is that they create a sense of safety, as oxymoronic as it sounds.
With the words, the Soldier- Bucky- can never be too erratic, too dangerous, too fast. He pulls up the second-hand memories of the robbery on the Waypoint, of the Soldier moving for the door. Saying the words should, in theory, prevent the Soldier from getting out into an innocent population. In regards to the smaller level issues like saying no and wanting things, though, only testing could provide answers.
Sitting a touch further back, but keeping at least one point of contact with Sam, he bites his bottom lip and drops his gaze.]
[ It's a great idea as far as Sam's concerned. Or at least - it's a great idea to pursue what makes you happy, except maybe this should come with some actual talking about things and figuring things out. The programming is its own brand of hell.
Sam's always at least subconsciously aware of it, as strong as his and Bucky's connection is, and there's a part of him that rears up protectively when he feels it trying to burn out Bucky's happiness, trying to take away what he wants and leave him empty. He wants to fight, to haul Bucky in and chase off the programming, but they've learned first hand that facing it head on doesn't always work, and they've always had better outcomes at trying to subvert it.
Bucky still wants to protect everyone else, and Sam - loves him a little bit more, right then, even as he feels a little nauseous. Sam knows exactly how good of a person Bucky is, how much he wants to help people and how much he doesn't want to be used to hurt anyone again, but having someone say the words to make sure that happens...
And part of him wonders, how much of this is just because the words are what Bucky's conditioned to see as safe? Just to keep him in check, because that's what he's always known? But Sam has never treated Bucky like anything less than a person, never like someone who was fragile and couldn't handle himself, and he won't start now.
He won't do this to tame Bucky, to make him safer - to take away his ability to protect himself and react when he sees a threat. But their symbiote bond is strong, growing stronger every day, and it's been enough to challenge the programming in the past. Combine it with the words, and maybe they can subvert the programming more, give Bucky more control of himself.
Sam opens his mind wider, tugging on their brood link and beckoning Bucky in towards his mind. It's safer in there, with the programming at work. ]
(Come here? We can talk about how we're gonna do this.)
[Bucky's grateful that the usual burn of the programming seems more subdued than when he directly refuses. Instead of white-hot iron pressed to every bone in his body, it's like standing in an oven: radiating pain and heat rather than direct and sharp. This he can deal with. This he doesn't need to escape from right away. Bucky still keeps a hand on their broodlink, on the brush of fir and pine.
Over the link, though, there's no ignoring Sam's uncertainty, his reluctance to remove the muzzle on Bucky if only to place a leash. There's no guarantee that the words will even grant that sort of freedom. There's also not a sure way to know when to say them, either. In Berlin, the guy had only needed the words, but then the Soldier broke loose, in a way, turned on the speaker, and sought extraction. However, when coming out of cryo, with the machine, the danger seemed limited. Maybe a wipe is needed, to clear out the space for the Soldier without as much Bucky in the way. His power might give that to them and Sam could bring him back.
He hopes. Coming back is never a sure thing.
But for the potential reward of protecting the Nest, protecting Sam? Bucky would.
Sliding into the shared mind space, the forested path connecting them, is easier than ever. He's here.]
[ Bucky can deal with it, maybe, but it still makes Sam's defenses pull up a little. Bucky's happiness is... really, really important to him, and he hates that the programming continues to try to take that from him.
All he wants is - well, honestly, he just wants Bucky, in whatever way Bucky wants to let him have - but aside from that, is for Bucky to be able to be himself. If this works, god if this works, if it makes it easier for Bucky to be able to want things, to choose what orders he wants to follow and have his own opinions without fighting the programming tooth and nail, if this takes how far they've already come and pushes it more...
Sam allows himself a moment to enjoy his broodmate being more present in his mind, like the puffed up feathers of a pleased bird brushing against Bucky, delighting in the contact. Then he focuses more on the proposal, purposefully not letting himself think too much more about what this means and mulling over Bucky's thoughts on the when and the how. ]
(We'll bring you back. I'll always come for you, Bucky, no matter what.) [ Always, in this and anything else. One way another, Bucky won't ever be left alone again, won't ever be completely erased and controlled. ] (That's... not a bad idea. We know your power flips the switch, we could do it then. Get a plan in place for it happening again, make it so you can assess things appropriately instead of everything being a threat?)
[ There's a pause as he tries to figure out how to phrase what he wants to say next. ] (What would be the ideal situation, for you?)
[When designed by HYDRA, programmed to be a weapon and nothing more, happiness was never something allowed. Happiness would bridge into other emotions, other issues that could stand in the way of the Soldier functioning as a thing instead of a human.
But now that Bucky's gotten a taste of what it's like to be a person, to feel and want and live, he never wants to go back. There are so many unknown variables surrounding this fledgling plan and yet moving forward seems the best option. With Sam in his head and vice versa, Bucky's comfort grows, mentally leaning against Sam to simply be there with his broodmate, the fear quieting bit by bit.
I'll always come for you rings in his head, resonating with the old anxieties of being left behind, of laying in the cold, of staring up at the disappearing freight train. He loves Sam with every ounce of his person and yet that emotion can't quite drown out the memory of breathing with a broken body, knowing no one is coming for him. Or facing the cold of cryo, locked away where no one will find him.
That won't happen. Not with Sam.
The question reminds Bucky of the warnings that preceded the mission. Is this the best time to try something like this? Or would they be better suited for attempting on the Station? Bucky's not sure. They could go out to the desert if needed and the lack of tech may work to their favor.]
[ It'll be worth it. Hell, it's practically worth it now, feeling how much Bucky wants - well, how much he wants. That he wants at all, let alone that he wants to be a person, that he wants to have feelings.
That he wants to live. That - shit, that's worth everything. There's very little that Sam wouldn't do for that, Potentially facing the Soldier again, trying to rewrite the programming - why the hell not? It's not like they haven't used their brood bond to subvert it before, and it's not like Sam hadn't already thought of trying to use it to slowly burn out the programming.
They might as well use it against it, and if Bucky trusts him with this, for whatever reason - Sam will just have to make sure he demonstrates that he's worthy of that, that he makes sure he deserves it.
Both Bucky’s trust and the fact that Bucky actually challenges all his other experiences there, where he was always left behind or alone. Sam’s breath catches, the wings of his mind wrapping warm and solid around Bucky’s mental presence, twining their bond just a little bit more together. For once there's nothing he can say to express just how damn much he loves this man, so he just holds on.
He follows Bucky's thought process, humming absently in agreement. ]
(There's lots of places to get some distance, and we won't be indoors like on the Station. But I - what are you looking for me to say? I can suggest what came to my mind and get your response if you're not up to to answering that, but I figured I'd give you the floor first.)
[The problem is that Bucky doesn't know. He doesn't know what he wants Sam to say or how to say it. Bucky himself has no plan other than waiting until the Station so they don't compromise the mission, but, as Sam says, there's a lot more wide open space here, no narrow corridors of innocents the Soldier can slice through at a moment's notice.
He pauses. He wonders if his desire to not use the words here and now has to do with the mission itself or just how much distance the Soldier could put between him and the camp if released. Maybe all that space has its own downfalls; there are no locked doors between a loose Soldier and miles and miles of desert.
Would Sam come bring him back then? Would he be able to?
In the back of his mind, the programming whispers would he want to? Why would a leader take time to go in search of an erratic weapon with such an important mission?]
[ Sam hangs back, waits for Bucky to process through that as best as he can, until he starts to wonder what the real reason for his hesitation is.
Until he can feel Bucky questioning if he'd come bring him back, until he can feel the programming that Sam wouldn't want to. He reacts instinctively, wings furled up like a shield as he physically presses in close, resting his forehead against Bucky's.
Always, his mind murmurs, always always always, a promise just as much as it is a simple truth. As long as Bucky wants Sam, he'll be there. You will never be abandoned.
And the mission, well. Sam doesn't give a damn about it more than trying to bring everyone back safe and trying to keep their meddling in these people's lives to a minimum. ]
(You are so much more important than this mission. You're not a weapon to me, Bucky, you're...) [ And there he trails off, because he doesn't know what they are. They've agreed no definitions, not until they can figure out one that works, so he lets it go. Important is the main point. ] (We got time. We can figure it out together, I can suggest some things and see what you think.)
[More than kissing, Bucky enjoys this sort of intimate contact. Their foreheads press together and a sense of contentment, of love, washes across the link. He wants Sam to use the words, but the timing feels off, what with the mission and the stress placed on its success. A large part of him wants to run with Sam out into the desert, where they can be really alone for more than a few moments. But Sam needs to be here, needs to be the leader they all know him to be.
He can't let Sam push that to the wayside.]
(I'll think about it?) [He tries to make it sound like a statement, but he's questioning himself even as he responds. There's no promise they won't run into a situation where Sam needs to control Bucky, no promise that the Soldier won't emerge on this mission. He hates that uncertainty.]
[ Sam definitely digs the kissing but - honestly, he mostly just enjoys what Bucky's enjoying. Whatever kind of contact between them he can get, it's good, and all he wants is more of it. He scratches over his scalp again as Bucky considers their options.
They're not great, really, not as long as they're still on this damn mission. But it's what they've got. ]
(Good enough for me.) [ He tips his head the tiniest bit, just enough to press his lips faintly against Bucky's, before he returns to just resting his forehead against Bucky's. ] (We'll deal with it. Whatever comes, we'll face it together. You and me, we make a good team.)
[Bucky melts again with the scratching and if Sam hadn't pressed their lips together, he would have. That said, he follows Sam's kiss with a couple of his own. The same thrill as before pushes into his veins, just as intoxicating as ever. He wants to stop talking, about what could be, what should be. Right now, all he wants is to spend time with his... Sam. He wants to chase this thrill and explore the depths of it.]
[ For someone who likes talking so much, Sam's gotta admit there's times when it's overrated, and now is sure as hell one of them. He's got Bucky, they've got this, and Sam might not know exactly what it is, but who needs to when it's so much better to just feel?
If Bucky wants to live in the moment, Sam's right there with him. His pulses quickens, little points of heat igniting every where they're touching, and Sam drinks it all in eagerly. His mouth parts to draw Bucky's lower lip in, teeth grazing playfully before he soothes it with a swipe of his tongue.
His mental presence is playful, feathers skimming light and fleeting, the beat of his heart warm and encouraging. ]
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sizeofyourbaggage) wrote2016-05-22 03:26 pm
no subject
However, it does have the side effect of clearing his head, of allowing him to actually think about Sam's question instead of glossing over it. He... honestly doesn't know. The words have only ever been utilized to use him: extract information, tame him, provide protection. If someone with kinder intentions said them, he's uncertain of their effect. What he does understand from decades of hearing them, however, is that they create a sense of safety, as oxymoronic as it sounds.
With the words, the Soldier- Bucky- can never be too erratic, too dangerous, too fast. He pulls up the second-hand memories of the robbery on the Waypoint, of the Soldier moving for the door. Saying the words should, in theory, prevent the Soldier from getting out into an innocent population. In regards to the smaller level issues like saying no and wanting things, though, only testing could provide answers.
Sitting a touch further back, but keeping at least one point of contact with Sam, he bites his bottom lip and drops his gaze.]
no subject
Sam's always at least subconsciously aware of it, as strong as his and Bucky's connection is, and there's a part of him that rears up protectively when he feels it trying to burn out Bucky's happiness, trying to take away what he wants and leave him empty. He wants to fight, to haul Bucky in and chase off the programming, but they've learned first hand that facing it head on doesn't always work, and they've always had better outcomes at trying to subvert it.
Bucky still wants to protect everyone else, and Sam - loves him a little bit more, right then, even as he feels a little nauseous. Sam knows exactly how good of a person Bucky is, how much he wants to help people and how much he doesn't want to be used to hurt anyone again, but having someone say the words to make sure that happens...
And part of him wonders, how much of this is just because the words are what Bucky's conditioned to see as safe? Just to keep him in check, because that's what he's always known? But Sam has never treated Bucky like anything less than a person, never like someone who was fragile and couldn't handle himself, and he won't start now.
He won't do this to tame Bucky, to make him safer - to take away his ability to protect himself and react when he sees a threat. But their symbiote bond is strong, growing stronger every day, and it's been enough to challenge the programming in the past. Combine it with the words, and maybe they can subvert the programming more, give Bucky more control of himself.
Sam opens his mind wider, tugging on their brood link and beckoning Bucky in towards his mind. It's safer in there, with the programming at work. ]
( Come here? We can talk about how we're gonna do this. )
no subject
Over the link, though, there's no ignoring Sam's uncertainty, his reluctance to remove the muzzle on Bucky if only to place a leash. There's no guarantee that the words will even grant that sort of freedom. There's also not a sure way to know when to say them, either. In Berlin, the guy had only needed the words, but then the Soldier broke loose, in a way, turned on the speaker, and sought extraction. However, when coming out of cryo, with the machine, the danger seemed limited. Maybe a wipe is needed, to clear out the space for the Soldier without as much Bucky in the way. His power might give that to them and Sam could bring him back.
He hopes. Coming back is never a sure thing.
But for the potential reward of protecting the Nest, protecting Sam? Bucky would.
Sliding into the shared mind space, the forested path connecting them, is easier than ever. He's here.]
no subject
All he wants is - well, honestly, he just wants Bucky, in whatever way Bucky wants to let him have - but aside from that, is for Bucky to be able to be himself. If this works, god if this works, if it makes it easier for Bucky to be able to want things, to choose what orders he wants to follow and have his own opinions without fighting the programming tooth and nail, if this takes how far they've already come and pushes it more...
Sam allows himself a moment to enjoy his broodmate being more present in his mind, like the puffed up feathers of a pleased bird brushing against Bucky, delighting in the contact. Then he focuses more on the proposal, purposefully not letting himself think too much more about what this means and mulling over Bucky's thoughts on the when and the how. ]
( We'll bring you back. I'll always come for you, Bucky, no matter what. ) [ Always, in this and anything else. One way another, Bucky won't ever be left alone again, won't ever be completely erased and controlled. ] ( That's... not a bad idea. We know your power flips the switch, we could do it then. Get a plan in place for it happening again, make it so you can assess things appropriately instead of everything being a threat? )
[ There's a pause as he tries to figure out how to phrase what he wants to say next. ] ( What would be the ideal situation, for you? )
no subject
But now that Bucky's gotten a taste of what it's like to be a person, to feel and want and live, he never wants to go back. There are so many unknown variables surrounding this fledgling plan and yet moving forward seems the best option. With Sam in his head and vice versa, Bucky's comfort grows, mentally leaning against Sam to simply be there with his broodmate, the fear quieting bit by bit.
I'll always come for you rings in his head, resonating with the old anxieties of being left behind, of laying in the cold, of staring up at the disappearing freight train. He loves Sam with every ounce of his person and yet that emotion can't quite drown out the memory of breathing with a broken body, knowing no one is coming for him. Or facing the cold of cryo, locked away where no one will find him.
That won't happen. Not with Sam.
The question reminds Bucky of the warnings that preceded the mission. Is this the best time to try something like this?
Or would they be better suited for attempting on the Station? Bucky's not sure. They could go out to the desert if needed and the lack of tech may work to their favor.]
( Not sure. )
no subject
That he wants to live. That - shit, that's worth everything. There's very little that Sam wouldn't do for that, Potentially facing the Soldier again, trying to rewrite the programming - why the hell not? It's not like they haven't used their brood bond to subvert it before, and it's not like Sam hadn't already thought of trying to use it to slowly burn out the programming.
They might as well use it against it, and if Bucky trusts him with this, for whatever reason - Sam will just have to make sure he demonstrates that he's worthy of that, that he makes sure he deserves it.
Both Bucky’s trust and the fact that Bucky actually challenges all his other experiences there, where he was always left behind or alone. Sam’s breath catches, the wings of his mind wrapping warm and solid around Bucky’s mental presence, twining their bond just a little bit more together. For once there's nothing he can say to express just how damn much he loves this man, so he just holds on.
He follows Bucky's thought process, humming absently in agreement. ]
( There's lots of places to get some distance, and we won't be indoors like on the Station. But I - what are you looking for me to say? I can suggest what came to my mind and get your response if you're not up to to answering that, but I figured I'd give you the floor first. )
no subject
He pauses. He wonders if his desire to not use the words here and now has to do with the mission itself or just how much distance the Soldier could put between him and the camp if released. Maybe all that space has its own downfalls; there are no locked doors between a loose Soldier and miles and miles of desert.
Would Sam come bring him back then? Would he be able to?
In the back of his mind, the programming whispers would he want to? Why would a leader take time to go in search of an erratic weapon with such an important mission?]
no subject
Until he can feel Bucky questioning if he'd come bring him back, until he can feel the programming that Sam wouldn't want to. He reacts instinctively, wings furled up like a shield as he physically presses in close, resting his forehead against Bucky's.
Always, his mind murmurs, always always always, a promise just as much as it is a simple truth. As long as Bucky wants Sam, he'll be there. You will never be abandoned.
And the mission, well. Sam doesn't give a damn about it more than trying to bring everyone back safe and trying to keep their meddling in these people's lives to a minimum. ]
( You are so much more important than this mission. You're not a weapon to me, Bucky, you're... ) [ And there he trails off, because he doesn't know what they are. They've agreed no definitions, not until they can figure out one that works, so he lets it go. Important is the main point. ] ( We got time. We can figure it out together, I can suggest some things and see what you think. )
no subject
He can't let Sam push that to the wayside.]
( I'll think about it? ) [He tries to make it sound like a statement, but he's questioning himself even as he responds. There's no promise they won't run into a situation where Sam needs to control Bucky, no promise that the Soldier won't emerge on this mission. He hates that uncertainty.]
no subject
They're not great, really, not as long as they're still on this damn mission. But it's what they've got. ]
( Good enough for me. ) [ He tips his head the tiniest bit, just enough to press his lips faintly against Bucky's, before he returns to just resting his forehead against Bucky's. ] ( We'll deal with it. Whatever comes, we'll face it together. You and me, we make a good team. )
no subject
no subject
If Bucky wants to live in the moment, Sam's right there with him. His pulses quickens, little points of heat igniting every where they're touching, and Sam drinks it all in eagerly. His mouth parts to draw Bucky's lower lip in, teeth grazing playfully before he soothes it with a swipe of his tongue.
His mental presence is playful, feathers skimming light and fleeting, the beat of his heart warm and encouraging. ]