[ There's a lopsided smile tugging at the corner of his mouth when he spots Sam, and nothing but the smallest pulse of surprise at the embrace as he returns it with the sort of natural ease reserved for maybe three other people in the entire multiverse.
One bad connection and he could've lost Sam - everyone else. All in the space of an eyeblink.
Those thoughts hover, then dissipate, pushed aside in favor of the present. Polite shields find their place again, and he pulls back a bit from Sam's grip to look him over again. ]
Looks I'm not too late for the party... [ The street is bustling around them with activity, someone bumping his elbow as they powerwalk past on four legs. ]
[ The surprise is barely felt, and it's returned with relief when Steve doesn't pull himself from Sam's arms. The ease of it feels - well, feels like he worried about nothing, thinking he might make it awkward.
His thoughts almost go where Steve's do, but he grounds himself in the feel of Steve's arms around him, in the warmth under his hands.
It's only after he feels Steve's shields that he hastily pulls his own back up. It's a reminder that he's gotten a little too used to not having them up around the people he trusts. He pulls back as well, though he doesn't quite let go, especially not when someone bumps into Steve. ]
You didn't miss much. They just announced what the events for the competition were gonna be. [ He pauses, then admits, ] Bucky and I got into a fight.
[ ...maybe this is a conversation they should have elsewhere. ]
Fight? [ His eyebrows shoot up, concern mingling with disbelief. Another shoulder brushes against his arm, this time the owner nearly half Steve's own height. He glances down the street, meeting Sam's gaze again and nodding in the direction of moving crowd. ]
[ There's a quiet, not-quite chuckle that borders on self-deprecating at that disbelief. But yeah, that's a fair point, and Sam scans around before nodding in the direction of a cafe and starting towards it.
He switches to using the mental communication as he moves without even realizing it - he's starting to be too used to doing that with people he's comfortable with when talking about something he doesn't really want to be overheard. ]
(We kind of fight a lot, we're good at pushing each other's buttons. We always get over it, and we're okay now, but this one...) [ Sam runs a hand over his jaw as he grabs a seat at one of the outdoor tables, tucked out of the way of the crowd. ] (Some thugs tried to hold us up. One of 'em put a gun to Bucky's head and another one shot me, and the Soldier came out. We got Bucky back before he went out into the crowd, but he killed some of the robbers. We fought about him being too dangerous to be around, and he took off for a few days.)
[ And Sam gets Bucky needing space, he gets that all of this is overwhelming for him and he's happy to leave him to it - but Bucky punishing himself for it, trying to cut himself off to protect them when Sam never asked to be protected in the first place... he tries to keep that to himself, but some of it slips out, anyway. Sam makes a little face, shaking his head as he moves on. ]
(His symbiote ability's got something to do with electricity, I think it's messing with his head somehow when it triggers.)
[ Steve takes in the explanation in silence, following Sam to the table. On Bucky's better days they seem to get on like they've known each other for years, comfortable in each other's company. On his bad days, Sam's one of the few people that can pull him back out of those darker places his mind jumps to. But Steve's also seen Bucky respond to threats by isolating himself, felt the same frustration that slips from Sam's side of the link. His mouth twists, and he nods, gaze fixed on a crumpled napkin next to his hand. ]
(Makes sense. Seems like it keeps happening when he gets... defensive.) [ Someone else takes over. He shakes his head, features darkening as he looks up at Sam. ] (Might wanna see if we can get him to talk to Catheway or the Prince, see if they can help him understand that stuff better.) [ His power. Steve's brow furrows. ] (He came back on his own?)
[ It's honestly not a bad thing that he and Bucky fight, or at least, Sam doesn't think it is. Bucky should be able to disagree with someone who isn't going to punish him for it, even if Sam's still pretty sure most of the time, that's what Bucky's expecting.
He's unable to hide the kneejerk negative reaction to the idea of Bucky talked to Catheway or Prince. Sam hates that it makes him sound like an overprotective brother or boyfriend but he doesn't really trust other people with Bucky, not after the way things went down with the Accords. Doesn't feel like anyone but him and Steve and Clint are gonna try to do right by the guy, sometimes. ]
(No. I went looking for him after a couple of days, and we argued some more. He told me no over something, and it's... we had to fight off the programming. We made up pretty quick after that.)
[ There's the usual fights between friends, and then there's trying to shut everyone out and finding a dark hole to live in for days at a time. It's the latter he worries about, not to mention the rest - his mouth twists to one side, pausing for a second. ]
(I didn't wanna get anyone else involved either, Sam.) [ He's had time to think about this, bringing Bucky's situation to Catheway and the Prince's immediate attention. He'd had the same reaction as Sam at first, it wasn't an option. Both of the guardians are difficult to read, but Catheway's priorities were more alien. Her loyalties are to the Nest, to voices only she can hear. But he doesn't distrust her exactly - she knows more about this stuff than anyone else here, and she's willing to share that knowledge if you ask the right questions. ] (But I'd rather go to them for advice than risk letting something worse happen.)
[ People were already dead, Bucky's been hurt before - Sam could be next, and both of them agree that letting Bucky permanently distance himself from them isn't an option. If they could be back at the Station for a few months maybe they could keep figuring this out by themselves, if they could be sure none of them would fall into a deep sleep, or if they knew for sure that Bucky's symbiote problems weren't going to cause him long term damage.
Beyond the threat of physical violence his concern slips through the link, a fear that Bucky's memory issues were symptomatic of something worse, and that they'd see him under the glass with all the others they'd lost to comas. ]
[ Yeah, that's the part Sam worries about, too. Every time he wants to say that Bucky's come further, that they've grown stronger, that next time Bucky will choose to talk it out instead of run - he's gotta admit that he can't. If Bucky wants to run, Sam might do his best to talk him out of it, but he won't ever stop him from it. ]
(Nah, I know. You're right, man, I just - maybe we can talk to him about it together.)
[ Steve's right, and for a moment, Sam's hit with a reminder of just how much he's missed him. Not just because of Bucky and this situation or because Steve is one of the people he trusts to talk something like this out with or even because it didn't feel right without Steve here - because it's Steve. Because all of the above, and because while Sam sure as hell isn't nothing without Steve, he's definitely less.
It could happen to any of them, if it could happen to Steve. It already has happened to Bucky, and Sam won't do anything that might make the risk of it happening again greater. If that means the three of them sitting together and seriously talking about involving someone else, that's what it means.
He can't lose them, and just because he's accepted that he has little control over it happening doesn't make that any less true. It doesn't mean he isn't willing to do what he can control. ]
(Hey, look, I got something only kind of related, but - I didn't get to tell you this before, do you mind?)
[ Together. Strong, wordless agreement there. There was a point back on Concordia when Steve considered Bucky's problems and his own one and the same - only between the two of them. Bucky had been through something horrific. Asking him to share that information on such an intimate level as the symbiote allows with relative strangers - even if one of those first strangers to offer had been Sam Anders, felt wrong, invasive, even with the best intentions. And then there was the fact that Steve found himself constantly having to be careful of his wording and thoughts, for fear that something he might say could be misconstrued as an order.
Steve can't remember ever having those worries when he first saw Sam Wilson talk to Bucky. He wouldn't make the decision to go to Catheway or the Prince without knowing Sam thought it was something they needed to do either, and neither of them would force Bucky into it. But talking to him about the option was worth a shot - and if the answer was a solid no, well, then they'd figure out an alternative. They had to.
[ Sam still doesn't like it, and he'd still prefer to keep it just between them. To not even put the option on the table and make Bucky think about telling that part of him to someone else. But that's the thing - that's what Sam wants. It's not fair to Bucky not to point out that it's an option just because Sam doesn't like it. Bucky should be the one to make the choice about if he wants more help with his ability.
If he doesn't want to, the three of them will keep going. Together. He can feel the strength of Steve's agreement there, and it...
Sam'd been going to tell him about the Accords, about the Raft, because it'd come up in one of his fights with Bucky and he'd had to set a couple of things straight. He feels like he needs to do it with Steve, too, to pick up where he left off the last time they talked about it. When he said he'd tell him more later, when he could.
But feeling that, it changes what comes out. ]
I'm glad you're here. I'm really glad I got to meet you, that I'm getting the chance to know you. I know it's complicated, but you're still one of the handful of things that makes sense in my life.
[ His eyebrows raise, then he ducks his head briefly before looking up again. ]
Doesn't feel all that complicated now. [ Strange, like a dream sometimes, but that's what they signed up for - and they got lucky. Steve got lucky, getting to have Sam in his life. ]
[ It's Sam's turn to duck his head a little, shooting a small smile over at Steve. ] Nah. It doesn't.
[ It's easy, him and Steve, as easy as anything is with the Nest. His faith in Steve is one of the few things he doesn't have to think twice about. ]
In the past I- [ haven't done all that well with losing people I care about, he means to say, but hell, does anyone? It sounds stupid when he puts it like that, and there's a part of him that still doesn't like going into detail on just how messed up he was after Riley's death. ] Just didn't feel right not telling you that you're real damn important to me.
[ At the pause he studies Sam's features, lips parting from a thoughtful frown, brow furrowing again. Sam's held back for Steve's sake before, something he's both appreciated and found uncomfortable at times.
If this is the time to admit things - he pulls in a breath, committing to his words before he lets them leave his mouth. ]
This is my home now. And that's - well, part of it's your fault. [ The wry edge in his tone is softened by the too earnest look in his eyes. ]
[ The more Sam's built his shields up, the more he's honed his ability to keep people out - the more it feels like it slips around the people he's closest to. Like if he lets someone in a few times it becomes easier to just keep letting them in. It's like that with Steve, too, although admittedly he tries a little harder because it seems to have sharpened while Steve was asleep, and he doesn't want to spring that on him, too.
But there's no keeping back the way that makes him swallow roughly, the way the earnest look in Steve's eyes makes his heart beat a little too fast. There's nothing in him that's ever been able to resist that look, and coupled with the implication of what Steve says - well. There's no keeping back the way warmth flows over their connection with a sensation like the brush of feathers, like the ghost of fingers being interlaced. ]
I'll take the blame for that. [ It's just as wry, softened by the affection in his smile. ] It's the same for me, you know, and not just because of the way things were before I came here. I'm not all that interested in being somewhere that doesn't have you there.
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sizeofyourbaggage) wrote2016-05-22 03:26 pm
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One bad connection and he could've lost Sam - everyone else. All in the space of an eyeblink.
Those thoughts hover, then dissipate, pushed aside in favor of the present. Polite shields find their place again, and he pulls back a bit from Sam's grip to look him over again. ]
Looks I'm not too late for the party... [ The street is bustling around them with activity, someone bumping his elbow as they powerwalk past on four legs. ]
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His thoughts almost go where Steve's do, but he grounds himself in the feel of Steve's arms around him, in the warmth under his hands.
It's only after he feels Steve's shields that he hastily pulls his own back up. It's a reminder that he's gotten a little too used to not having them up around the people he trusts. He pulls back as well, though he doesn't quite let go, especially not when someone bumps into Steve. ]
You didn't miss much. They just announced what the events for the competition were gonna be. [ He pauses, then admits, ] Bucky and I got into a fight.
[ ...maybe this is a conversation they should have elsewhere. ]
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Where's a good place to sit?
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He switches to using the mental communication as he moves without even realizing it - he's starting to be too used to doing that with people he's comfortable with when talking about something he doesn't really want to be overheard. ]
( We kind of fight a lot, we're good at pushing each other's buttons. We always get over it, and we're okay now, but this one... ) [ Sam runs a hand over his jaw as he grabs a seat at one of the outdoor tables, tucked out of the way of the crowd. ] ( Some thugs tried to hold us up. One of 'em put a gun to Bucky's head and another one shot me, and the Soldier came out. We got Bucky back before he went out into the crowd, but he killed some of the robbers. We fought about him being too dangerous to be around, and he took off for a few days. )
[ And Sam gets Bucky needing space, he gets that all of this is overwhelming for him and he's happy to leave him to it - but Bucky punishing himself for it, trying to cut himself off to protect them when Sam never asked to be protected in the first place... he tries to keep that to himself, but some of it slips out, anyway. Sam makes a little face, shaking his head as he moves on. ]
( His symbiote ability's got something to do with electricity, I think it's messing with his head somehow when it triggers. )
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( Makes sense. Seems like it keeps happening when he gets... defensive. ) [ Someone else takes over. He shakes his head, features darkening as he looks up at Sam. ] ( Might wanna see if we can get him to talk to Catheway or the Prince, see if they can help him understand that stuff better. ) [ His power. Steve's brow furrows. ] ( He came back on his own? )
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He's unable to hide the kneejerk negative reaction to the idea of Bucky talked to Catheway or Prince. Sam hates that it makes him sound like an overprotective brother or boyfriend but he doesn't really trust other people with Bucky, not after the way things went down with the Accords. Doesn't feel like anyone but him and Steve and Clint are gonna try to do right by the guy, sometimes. ]
( No. I went looking for him after a couple of days, and we argued some more. He told me no over something, and it's... we had to fight off the programming. We made up pretty quick after that. )
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( I didn't wanna get anyone else involved either, Sam. ) [ He's had time to think about this, bringing Bucky's situation to Catheway and the Prince's immediate attention. He'd had the same reaction as Sam at first, it wasn't an option. Both of the guardians are difficult to read, but Catheway's priorities were more alien. Her loyalties are to the Nest, to voices only she can hear. But he doesn't distrust her exactly - she knows more about this stuff than anyone else here, and she's willing to share that knowledge if you ask the right questions. ] ( But I'd rather go to them for advice than risk letting something worse happen. )
[ People were already dead, Bucky's been hurt before - Sam could be next, and both of them agree that letting Bucky permanently distance himself from them isn't an option. If they could be back at the Station for a few months maybe they could keep figuring this out by themselves, if they could be sure none of them would fall into a deep sleep, or if they knew for sure that Bucky's symbiote problems weren't going to cause him long term damage.
Beyond the threat of physical violence his concern slips through the link, a fear that Bucky's memory issues were symptomatic of something worse, and that they'd see him under the glass with all the others they'd lost to comas. ]
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( Nah, I know. You're right, man, I just - maybe we can talk to him about it together. )
[ Steve's right, and for a moment, Sam's hit with a reminder of just how much he's missed him. Not just because of Bucky and this situation or because Steve is one of the people he trusts to talk something like this out with or even because it didn't feel right without Steve here - because it's Steve. Because all of the above, and because while Sam sure as hell isn't nothing without Steve, he's definitely less.
It could happen to any of them, if it could happen to Steve. It already has happened to Bucky, and Sam won't do anything that might make the risk of it happening again greater. If that means the three of them sitting together and seriously talking about involving someone else, that's what it means.
He can't lose them, and just because he's accepted that he has little control over it happening doesn't make that any less true. It doesn't mean he isn't willing to do what he can control. ]
( Hey, look, I got something only kind of related, but - I didn't get to tell you this before, do you mind? )
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Steve can't remember ever having those worries when he first saw Sam Wilson talk to Bucky. He wouldn't make the decision to go to Catheway or the Prince without knowing Sam thought it was something they needed to do either, and neither of them would force Bucky into it. But talking to him about the option was worth a shot - and if the answer was a solid no, well, then they'd figure out an alternative. They had to.
There's a nod, a questioning look in his eyes. ]
( Sure. What is it? )
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If he doesn't want to, the three of them will keep going. Together. He can feel the strength of Steve's agreement there, and it...
Sam'd been going to tell him about the Accords, about the Raft, because it'd come up in one of his fights with Bucky and he'd had to set a couple of things straight. He feels like he needs to do it with Steve, too, to pick up where he left off the last time they talked about it. When he said he'd tell him more later, when he could.
But feeling that, it changes what comes out. ]
I'm glad you're here. I'm really glad I got to meet you, that I'm getting the chance to know you. I know it's complicated, but you're still one of the handful of things that makes sense in my life.
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Doesn't feel all that complicated now. [ Strange, like a dream sometimes, but that's what they signed up for - and they got lucky. Steve got lucky, getting to have Sam in his life. ]
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[ It's easy, him and Steve, as easy as anything is with the Nest. His faith in Steve is one of the few things he doesn't have to think twice about. ]
In the past I- [ haven't done all that well with losing people I care about, he means to say, but hell, does anyone? It sounds stupid when he puts it like that, and there's a part of him that still doesn't like going into detail on just how messed up he was after Riley's death. ] Just didn't feel right not telling you that you're real damn important to me.
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If this is the time to admit things - he pulls in a breath, committing to his words before he lets them leave his mouth. ]
This is my home now. And that's - well, part of it's your fault. [ The wry edge in his tone is softened by the too earnest look in his eyes. ]
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But there's no keeping back the way that makes him swallow roughly, the way the earnest look in Steve's eyes makes his heart beat a little too fast. There's nothing in him that's ever been able to resist that look, and coupled with the implication of what Steve says - well. There's no keeping back the way warmth flows over their connection with a sensation like the brush of feathers, like the ghost of fingers being interlaced. ]
I'll take the blame for that. [ It's just as wry, softened by the affection in his smile. ] It's the same for me, you know, and not just because of the way things were before I came here. I'm not all that interested in being somewhere that doesn't have you there.