[ Laughter flows across their mental link, warm and free. He gets that Shiro's not serious, just uncomfortable, and he can't help but be a little amused. ]
(Sorry, fresh out of black holes. I got my arms, though, you can leap into those.)
[ Yeah, he knows who that is, and it makes his amusement grow. But also, ouch, Shiro, worse than Lance? ]
(Is this a bad time to point out that dating in a hive mind is... really complicated? There's always gonna be some bleed over, you know, I'm pretty sure this technically means we're in an open relationship.)
(Sorry, man. This is new for me, too, there's a lot of boundaries that pretty much don't exist when you're in each other's heads. I can keep my connection with a lot of the Nest pretty damn tight, but there's some people...)
[ There's some people that Sam has a hell of a lot of emotional intimacy with, which makes things even more complicated, when they feel each other's emotions. Relationships are... different in the Nest. More intense, more enmeshed, and though Sam's kept himself back from the Nest as a whole - well.
There are those he hasn't, and the fact that all of that makes it across his connection with Shiro is basically case in point. ]
(I didn't... even know how to handle one person... dating me.)
[And he still doesn't, some days. He some days he wakes up and has to sit there for a second to absorb the fact someone is interested in him that way. Someone cares about him that way.]
[Friendships are one thing. This is something he has to realize every day.]
(Do we really have to ... consider this 'open'? Right now?)
[ Yeah, Sam knows, the same way he knows that when Shiro says he's fine he's usually not, and that one day they'll have to say goodbye. Sam does his best, every day, to get Shiro used to it, to ease him into accepting the love Sam's got for him, but he hadn't ever expected it to be easy or quick, and he's only one person.
If it was up to Sam - well, he'd be okay with half the damn Nest loving Shiro the way he does, if it meant that Shiro could come to terms with it. Who wouldn't be interested in Shiro like that?
He doesn't quite know how to answer that. If they weren't in the Nest, it'd be easy to say hell no, that neither of them were gonna go looking to date anyone else - because that's the only thing that open relationship meant before. But the Nest makes things more complicated, when feelings and emotions mix together and bleed over. Sam can't take back the strength of his connections with Bucky and Clint and Steve, with Damon and Shepard and Misato, with Shiro himself, or the beginnings of what he's got with Lavellan and Kavinsky, even with Katie, though he tries to keep their connection narrow - and he doesn't want to.
The level of emotional intimacy he has with most of them is... like nothing he'd ever had back home. Not even with Riley, not with the addition of the symbiote making things so much closer. Sam can't always control what they get from him and what he gets from them, and even with that, if he could take out the symbiote and undo it all - well, he might with some of them, because it would be what they wanted, but he's not sure much of anything would make him give up his connection to Clint or Bucky or Damon. Or Steve, though he's not sure Steve'd be as okay with that as the other three might be.
The realization scares him, a little, but not as much as it would have when he first got here. He made the decision to connect with all of them, not the symbiote, but... maybe that's just what he's telling himself.
None of that is going to help here, though, and in the end he's really only got one answer. ]
(We don't have to do anything you're uncomfortable with, sweetheart. We don't gotta talk about it now. I'm still pretty damn good at closing off my connection to Katie, anyway.)
[He's still so firmly in the mindset of what "open" meant elsewhere. What it meant before being linked into everyone else. And that's what's putting his back up, now. Why the phrase makes him balk. It's so hard to accept just one person loving him like that -- the thought of sharing it, the thought of spreading it to others who might deserve it more...]
[Yeah, it's selfish. It's unfair. And it's choked down deep. Because it's not important. Right now, it's not important. That's not what it means, here, he tells himself. What he forces himself to accept, for now. Something to deal with at a later time.]
[He isn't as close to other people here as Sam is. There are the other members of Gacrux, of course. And Pidge. But Sam is more spread, more connected. A result of him desperately trying to keep everything closed up and locked down. Pidge is different. Pidge is family -- he loves her like she was his own sister.]
[Everything else... it's complicated.]
[And there are still days he thinks it'd be easier if they could pull these things out of their brains. As much as he has grown to like being so close to Sam...]
(Hey, as long as she's not upset. I can't complain about anything else.)
[He won't complain.]
[Not while this is still theirs. Not while he can still hold onto one good choice he's been able to make.]
[ It is important, though. It's important because it's Shiro, because there's already more than enough that Shiro puts on his own shoulders.
Sam doesn't want to be another thing, doesn't want to make him feel like he can't complain. ]
(Sure you can. I want you to tell me when something's bothering you, man, otherwise how else am I gonna know?) [ There's the briefest of pauses, as he realizes if he's advocating for honesty and open communication, he should be doing it, too. He swallows roughly, and the echo is clear through their connection. ] (Look, Shiro, I know - I know that Katie's looking for a way home. Hell, I'm helping her. And I wouldn't ever ask you not to go; I know one day we're gonna say goodbye.
But I love you, Shiro. My connection with others, whatever we got in store for us down the road, there's nothing that's gonna change that.)
[ It's been years since Riley's death and Sam still loves him - hell, he loves a guy who's tried to kill him more than once. And Sam has his limits, sure, but Shiro... it's obvious across their mental link that Sam means what he says.
That the way he loves Shiro isn't something that's ever gonna go away. ]
[About anything else, yes. He knows he can open up. He knows he can unload, he can crack a little more for this person. There won't be judgment. Anything else, he's allowed to fracture.]
[About them... he can't. He won't. This is already more than he thought he'd have. Complaining over something out of their control doesn't help anything. Doesn't help either of them.]
(I know. I know you do.)
[Then he falls silent.]
[It's something he's told Pidge already. Something he admitted would happen. Something they knew would happen. He's got to help her, too. He can't let his teammate, his family, do something like that on her own. So... when Pidge does figure this out -- because she's going to. He has absolute faith in her, in that way -- he's...]
[What happens when we figure out how to get home?]
[Then... we say goodbye. I won't ask him not to go back. And I know he wouldn't ask me, either.]
[... did you want him to? ...]
[There's no sound in space. No noise in the vacuum of stars. But all the same, the walls he already has thinned down in the presence of this other mind make a sound like crackling air. Like static rippling through stormclouds. The sound of something breaking.]
[It's obvious. Even through the lightning cracked galaxies held in place to keep everyone safe, it's obvious the answer is just as sincere as Sam's words.]
(I didn't think that was... that was something I'd ever get to hear.) [Hesitation, gathering of wit and sense and forging the heaviness in his chest into something that makes sense. Something more than just an ache. Something more than words that seemed like they were going to doom them both.]
[ For a moment, Sam kind of wonders if that's all he's gonna get. It's true - of course Shiro knows that they're both aware that this can't be forever, no matter what either of them might want, and of course Shiro knows that Sam loves him.
Sam's not exactly shy about hiding his feelings, even if he could. He's always been as open with Shiro as possible.
It'd be nice to hear it back, is all. But he doesn't push, because he can feel something building behind what little walls they do have with each other, and he already knows that this isn't something that Shiro's had a lot. When it breaks - when it breaks there's an ache in Sam's chest, and he knows that those words are complicated by so much more than just their current situation. They're weighted down by something else, something beyond Sam, but -
But it's still nice to hear them back. ]
(I'm not going anywhere, Shiro, and I ain't ever gonna give up. For as long as you're here, you'll have me.)
[ Maybe it's not something he can realistically promise, when they don't know what causes people to fall to sleep or what tomorrow holds, but he makes it anyway. Sam's always been a fighter, always been the person who stays, who can be counted on - and he's not going to give up on that now.
[Like that sense of freefall. That weightless, suspended feeling of absolute zero-g. Those moments where air is rushing through and past you, where you're safe and in the middle of danger all at once. Before the parachute, the safety measures, kick in and drag you back down to earth with a sudden jerk and crash. And everything about you you'd forgotten or pushed aside steamrolls back into focus.]
[All things considered, he'll take the freefall.]
[He'll take this affection, this air around him, over the gravity of the ground below. Over the thought of loss worse than when he'd felt the Darkling go. Worse than knowing how many lives you were responsible for. That was like being shot.]
[Losing this would be like hitting the ground with no safety measures. No restraints or something to pull the velocity back.]
(I... know you want that. I want to believe that.)
[Even in his mind, his voice comes out strained. Thick. Those times when your life support flickers and you're inhaling recycled oxygen.]
(I'm not going anywhere, either. If I can help it.)
[ Sam'd give almost anything to make sure that Shiro doesn't have to feel loss like that. It's not something he'd ever expected, and even now he has trouble wrapping his head around it - but Shiro'd made it clear that he feels the same way about the idea of something happening to Sam as Sam does about something happening to Shiro, so Sam makes a point of keeping it in mind.
They've both already lost too much, and Sam knows that there's probably more for both of them to lose. He won't make himself one of Shiro's.
If I can help it, Shiro says, and there's a quiet hum of agreement. It's practical, and it's what Sam means, too. As long as he can help it, as long as there's something he can do about it, Shiro won't lose him.
But he hears what Shiro doesn't say, what Sam had been the one to point out. It's hard to accept I'm not going anywhere when they both know that Shiro will.
It's bittersweet, and for a moment Sam's chest his tight with emotion he doesn't know how to release, with things he can't even really name. It's been a long, long time since he felt something like that.
He doesn't want to dwell on it. ]
(How about we focus on living for right now? I don't know about you, but I just got my love confession returned and that seems like a damn good reason to kiss you.)
[You always hit the ground. You always touch back down, gravity always comes back around to pull your legs in again. Just like responsibility and duty are always going to come back and drag him out of this.]
[He's always going to have a fight to go back to. No matter how many layers of clouds and starlight he drowns himself in. And they both know it.]
[He won't ask me to stay / ... did you want him to?]
(Hey... hey, if you wanted to hear that... all you had to do was ask.)
[The words come out shaky. Some fragile, wounded things. Like he's trying to fight to get the words out in a way he never had to before -- not with Sam. When in reality, it's a struggle to keep a straight face after this. Scrubbing the heel of his hand over his face in an effort to make everything look normal. Make it look like the crackling, breaking feeling in his chest had never happened.]
[Even though it's the first time it ever happened in a good way.]
[He's never, ever said those words like this. He wasn't expecting them to hurt. To pull his feet in the direction of that voice in his head. Like there's a magnet connecting them. Pieces of metal in each others' chests.]
[Tugging until it won't feel right until they meet.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
sizeofyourbaggage) wrote2016-05-22 03:26 pm
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(We can't even kiss again.)
[Please don't take that seriously, Sam, this is just Shiro being Shiro. And it probably shows across the link.]
(I need a black hole to leap into. Immediately.)
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( Sorry, fresh out of black holes. I got my arms, though, you can leap into those. )
[ Yes, he knows that was awful. ]
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[He figures Sam's been in his memories and thoughts enough to know who that is.]
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( Is this a bad time to point out that dating in a hive mind is... really complicated? There's always gonna be some bleed over, you know, I'm pretty sure this technically means we're in an open relationship. )
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[BLEEP.]
[Yes, his brain did absolutely just bleep out his own thought.]
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( ...should I give you a minute? )
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(Maybe.)
(Maybe a lot. Of minutes.)
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[ There's some people that Sam has a hell of a lot of emotional intimacy with, which makes things even more complicated, when they feel each other's emotions. Relationships are... different in the Nest. More intense, more enmeshed, and though Sam's kept himself back from the Nest as a whole - well.
There are those he hasn't, and the fact that all of that makes it across his connection with Shiro is basically case in point. ]
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[And he still doesn't, some days. He some days he wakes up and has to sit there for a second to absorb the fact someone is interested in him that way. Someone cares about him that way.]
[Friendships are one thing. This is something he has to realize every day.]
(Do we really have to ... consider this 'open'? Right now?)
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If it was up to Sam - well, he'd be okay with half the damn Nest loving Shiro the way he does, if it meant that Shiro could come to terms with it. Who wouldn't be interested in Shiro like that?
He doesn't quite know how to answer that. If they weren't in the Nest, it'd be easy to say hell no, that neither of them were gonna go looking to date anyone else - because that's the only thing that open relationship meant before. But the Nest makes things more complicated, when feelings and emotions mix together and bleed over. Sam can't take back the strength of his connections with Bucky and Clint and Steve, with Damon and Shepard and Misato, with Shiro himself, or the beginnings of what he's got with Lavellan and Kavinsky, even with Katie, though he tries to keep their connection narrow - and he doesn't want to.
The level of emotional intimacy he has with most of them is... like nothing he'd ever had back home. Not even with Riley, not with the addition of the symbiote making things so much closer. Sam can't always control what they get from him and what he gets from them, and even with that, if he could take out the symbiote and undo it all - well, he might with some of them, because it would be what they wanted, but he's not sure much of anything would make him give up his connection to Clint or Bucky or Damon. Or Steve, though he's not sure Steve'd be as okay with that as the other three might be.
The realization scares him, a little, but not as much as it would have when he first got here. He made the decision to connect with all of them, not the symbiote, but... maybe that's just what he's telling himself.
None of that is going to help here, though, and in the end he's really only got one answer. ]
( We don't have to do anything you're uncomfortable with, sweetheart. We don't gotta talk about it now. I'm still pretty damn good at closing off my connection to Katie, anyway. )
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[Yeah, it's selfish. It's unfair. And it's choked down deep. Because it's not important. Right now, it's not important. That's not what it means, here, he tells himself. What he forces himself to accept, for now. Something to deal with at a later time.]
[He isn't as close to other people here as Sam is. There are the other members of Gacrux, of course. And Pidge. But Sam is more spread, more connected. A result of him desperately trying to keep everything closed up and locked down. Pidge is different. Pidge is family -- he loves her like she was his own sister.]
[Everything else... it's complicated.]
[And there are still days he thinks it'd be easier if they could pull these things out of their brains. As much as he has grown to like being so close to Sam...]
(Hey, as long as she's not upset. I can't complain about anything else.)
[He won't complain.]
[Not while this is still theirs. Not while he can still hold onto one good choice he's been able to make.]
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Sam doesn't want to be another thing, doesn't want to make him feel like he can't complain. ]
( Sure you can. I want you to tell me when something's bothering you, man, otherwise how else am I gonna know? ) [ There's the briefest of pauses, as he realizes if he's advocating for honesty and open communication, he should be doing it, too. He swallows roughly, and the echo is clear through their connection. ] ( Look, Shiro, I know - I know that Katie's looking for a way home. Hell, I'm helping her. And I wouldn't ever ask you not to go; I know one day we're gonna say goodbye.
But I love you, Shiro. My connection with others, whatever we got in store for us down the road, there's nothing that's gonna change that. )
[ It's been years since Riley's death and Sam still loves him - hell, he loves a guy who's tried to kill him more than once. And Sam has his limits, sure, but Shiro... it's obvious across their mental link that Sam means what he says.
That the way he loves Shiro isn't something that's ever gonna go away. ]
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[About them... he can't. He won't. This is already more than he thought he'd have. Complaining over something out of their control doesn't help anything. Doesn't help either of them.]
(I know. I know you do.)
[Then he falls silent.]
[It's something he's told Pidge already. Something he admitted would happen. Something they knew would happen. He's got to help her, too. He can't let his teammate, his family, do something like that on her own. So... when Pidge does figure this out -- because she's going to. He has absolute faith in her, in that way -- he's...]
[What happens when we figure out how to get home?]
[Then... we say goodbye. I won't ask him not to go back. And I know he wouldn't ask me, either.]
[... did you want him to? ...]
[There's no sound in space. No noise in the vacuum of stars. But all the same, the walls he already has thinned down in the presence of this other mind make a sound like crackling air. Like static rippling through stormclouds. The sound of something breaking.]
[It's obvious. Even through the lightning cracked galaxies held in place to keep everyone safe, it's obvious the answer is just as sincere as Sam's words.]
(I didn't think that was... that was something I'd ever get to hear.) [Hesitation, gathering of wit and sense and forging the heaviness in his chest into something that makes sense. Something more than just an ache. Something more than words that seemed like they were going to doom them both.]
(I love you.)
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Sam's not exactly shy about hiding his feelings, even if he could. He's always been as open with Shiro as possible.
It'd be nice to hear it back, is all. But he doesn't push, because he can feel something building behind what little walls they do have with each other, and he already knows that this isn't something that Shiro's had a lot. When it breaks - when it breaks there's an ache in Sam's chest, and he knows that those words are complicated by so much more than just their current situation. They're weighted down by something else, something beyond Sam, but -
But it's still nice to hear them back. ]
( I'm not going anywhere, Shiro, and I ain't ever gonna give up. For as long as you're here, you'll have me. )
[ Maybe it's not something he can realistically promise, when they don't know what causes people to fall to sleep or what tomorrow holds, but he makes it anyway. Sam's always been a fighter, always been the person who stays, who can be counted on - and he's not going to give up on that now.
Shiro deserves that. ]
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[Like that sense of freefall. That weightless, suspended feeling of absolute zero-g. Those moments where air is rushing through and past you, where you're safe and in the middle of danger all at once. Before the parachute, the safety measures, kick in and drag you back down to earth with a sudden jerk and crash. And everything about you you'd forgotten or pushed aside steamrolls back into focus.]
[All things considered, he'll take the freefall.]
[He'll take this affection, this air around him, over the gravity of the ground below. Over the thought of loss worse than when he'd felt the Darkling go. Worse than knowing how many lives you were responsible for. That was like being shot.]
[Losing this would be like hitting the ground with no safety measures. No restraints or something to pull the velocity back.]
(I... know you want that. I want to believe that.)
[Even in his mind, his voice comes out strained. Thick. Those times when your life support flickers and you're inhaling recycled oxygen.]
(I'm not going anywhere, either. If I can help it.)
[Not until he has to. And they both know that.]
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They've both already lost too much, and Sam knows that there's probably more for both of them to lose. He won't make himself one of Shiro's.
If I can help it, Shiro says, and there's a quiet hum of agreement. It's practical, and it's what Sam means, too. As long as he can help it, as long as there's something he can do about it, Shiro won't lose him.
But he hears what Shiro doesn't say, what Sam had been the one to point out. It's hard to accept I'm not going anywhere when they both know that Shiro will.
It's bittersweet, and for a moment Sam's chest his tight with emotion he doesn't know how to release, with things he can't even really name. It's been a long, long time since he felt something like that.
He doesn't want to dwell on it. ]
( How about we focus on living for right now? I don't know about you, but I just got my love confession returned and that seems like a damn good reason to kiss you. )
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[He's always going to have a fight to go back to. No matter how many layers of clouds and starlight he drowns himself in. And they both know it.]
[He won't ask me to stay / ... did you want him to?]
(Hey... hey, if you wanted to hear that... all you had to do was ask.)
[The words come out shaky. Some fragile, wounded things. Like he's trying to fight to get the words out in a way he never had to before -- not with Sam. When in reality, it's a struggle to keep a straight face after this. Scrubbing the heel of his hand over his face in an effort to make everything look normal. Make it look like the crackling, breaking feeling in his chest had never happened.]
[Even though it's the first time it ever happened in a good way.]
[He's never, ever said those words like this. He wasn't expecting them to hurt. To pull his feet in the direction of that voice in his head. Like there's a magnet connecting them. Pieces of metal in each others' chests.]
[Tugging until it won't feel right until they meet.]
(Are you going to make me look for you?)