(foolishness will not be tolerated. in most other scenarios damon wouldn't care. he'd act as he wished without thought of whether it was tolerable or accepted, and damn the consequences, and even now he's tempted to ignore the warning. he'll be foolish if he damn well wants to be foolish, and no one will stop him —
no one will stop him.
stefan and elena are both asleep, and that's what drives him to seek sam out. he knows himself, knows he's going to be impossible to manage for anyone else, and if it's really that important that he not lash out, he's going to need someone reminding him of that fact. at home he relied on stefan and elena for those reminders, but when their absence is the reason he needs it — sam is his only option.
his approach is heralded by a cloud of vicious anger and grief that precedes him, settling around sam like a shroud. when damon himself shows up, it's with london nowhere to be seen — the bird usually follows damon wherever he goes, but now he's in the nesting deck, sitting on top of the pod elena is sleeping in, hissing at anyone who gets too close. )
[ When Sam had felt both Elena and Stefan fade - he'd known that they were in for a rough time. Losing one of them would have been bad enough, but both? It ain't fair, after everything, for Damon to have to go through this, but, well. Life ain't fair, and bemoaning that fact isn't gonna do anything.
He'd hoped, that Damon might let him be there for him as much as he could - as much as anyone could - but he's not gonna be one to run to Damon right off the bat with platitudes. That's one good thing about the mind link, or at least Sam hopes that it is - he can give Damon his space and still make the offer to be there.
An offer that's gonna stand even when he feels that anger and grief, even when for a moment it tugs him back to a time when he felt something real damn similar. He breathes, and pulls himself back, enough that when Damon does arrive he's mostly steady, just a faint echo of grief. ]
What do you need?
[ He's not gonna say anything, because Sam's just about always honest and there's some things he might not do, but the feeling of almost anything still comes across. ]
( the word comes out full of contempt — the very idea of "missions" is laughable to damon. they aren't a military force, despite the presence of people like sam and shepard, and acting like they are is ridiculous. it expects more of them than they will ever be able to give the nest, and acting otherwise is just setting them up for failure — hell, they have an actual child here. damon's only interacted with pidge once, but it was enough that he knows she can't be more than fourteen. it'd be like dragging jeremy into this and then asking him to participate in a high-stakes military operation, it's just not going to go well.
but apparently they don't have a choice, and damon's not going to be the one to screw this up. )
I fuck things up when I'm... off-kilter.
( sam gets a few snapshots pressed into his mind — damon snapping jeremy's neck, damon feeding on a terrified woman in the middle of an abandoned road, damon forcing his bloody wrist in elena's mouth — )
If this is as delicate a situation as they said, I will fuck it up. I won't even have to try, I'll kill someone and it won't go away and then we'll be fucked. You can't let that happen.
( as damon speaks, his voice gets lower, his anger intensifies — he hates this, he hates coming to sam like he's a child who can't regulate his emotions, like he has to be watched and slapped on the wrist when he misbehaves. but he knows himself, knows that without someone to stop him he will do terrible things, and then... what happens to elena and stefan, then? what happens to them if this mission fails? he could stand to lose himself, to lose everyone else in the nest, if he had to, but not them. )
[ Honestly, Sam agrees. They give them no training but expect them to act as professionals, send out everyone on these missions with no thought of who would be most suitable or who isn't willing to even try to work with everyone to keep them all alive or who's a goddamn child.
Cathaway's talk with him had only rammed that home more.
The images that Damon presses into his mind, it's... they're not pretty, none of it's pretty, especially not the kid. And there's a moment where Sam wonders if he's just excusing this because he cares about Damon, because he's seen sides of Damon that aren't that, because they have a mind link. But they don't make him falter. It's who Damon used to be, part of who he still is, but it's also who he's trying not to be.
He wouldn't have come here asking this if he wasn't.
But he doesn't think about protesting that Damon won't fuck it up, either. Damon is dangerous, and impulsive, and Sam won't waste either of their times pretending like that ain't true. Damon knows himself better than Sam does - about most things, anyway, Sam'll maintain that Damon either can't see or doesn't want to admit about himself almost all pertaining to his good qualities - and the fact that Damon's actually willing to acknowledge this and do something to prevent it isn't a bad sign in Sam's eyes. ]
When you're pissed the fuck off and you got too much rage and pain to keep inside, yeah. I can't promise that later I ain't gonna push, that I'm not gonna want to have a conversation about this, but right now?
[ Right now he's not gonna push. Right now he kind of wants to give Damon a hug, or take him somewhere to punch shit until even he gets kind of tired, or both. But they don't really have time for the second, and the first? Well, jury's still out there. ]
I won't let it happen. I promise. Just let me be clear about something - if it comes down to you defending yourself or protecting me or the others? It's off the table; we'll do what we need to do and we'll deal with it when it happens.
[ The last time he made someone a promise like this, that was a sticking point that got Sam into trouble because he didn't clarify what kind of promise he was making before he got shouted at for the deaths of people who held them at gunpoint - all of which slips easily across their mental link. ]
( belatedly, damon sends across another impression — jeremy laying a rose on a patch of dirt, slightly older in appearance than he had been in the first snapshot. he lived through what damon did, but it was by sheer luck, not design. damon's assertion that he does terrible things when he's angry still stands, even if sometimes the consequences are not as dire as they could be.
it's why sam's insistence that he isn't as bad as he thinks grates, and it grates worse now than it has before — it doesn't matter why he does these things, what pain he is exorcising through violence or what trauma drives him to inflict trauma on others. that he does it is all that anyone should care about. no matter what he says or what guilt he refuses to take on himself, damon knows that that's true, and it's why he'd never argue with anyone who calls him a bad person. he does bad things that hurt people. that's all anyone needs to know when they try to evaluate his character, but sam acts like those bad things can be forgiven if there's just enough pain behind them. like it matters that katherine tore his heart into pieces before he snapped jeremy's neck. it certainly didn't matter to elena. why should it? her brother was dead, why he was dead was immaterial.
knowing your own weaknesses does not absolve you of responsibility for them and make you a good person when you make others aware of them. damon knows himself; he doesn't deserve any special consideration for this fact. )
There's no conversation to have. They're asleep, I'm going to be an asshole about it. Make sure my being an asshole doesn't come with a body count.
( sam's stipulation does somewhat take the wind out of damon's sails, but only for how utterly obvious it seems to him. not even stefan would argue that, not even elena — they both know that when it comes down to it, kill or be killed is the only way they will get through some days. that there is anyone who disagrees is... well, it's not surprising, because judgmental the witch exists. but that sam thinks damon might be among those who do is. )
Duh? Why even say that, of course I'm going to kill people who are trying to kill me, what kind of condition is that?
[ There's a soft hum across the mental link - Sam's glad that the kid's alive. But Damon's right in that it doesn't change anything. The outcome of those terrible things isn't really the point here, the point is that when Damon's angry and hurt, he does them.
The point is that intention always matters, and it's never been about forgiveness. Sam ain't here to forgive anyone or try absolve any responsibility - it's why he very rarely tells Bucky that the things he's done in the past weren't his fault. It doesn't matter if that's true; what matters is that he did them. He's the one who's gonna have to live with them, have to deal with the consequences and figure out how to move forward.
But intention - it's the difference between Rumlow villain monologuing about causing pain while he tries to beat people up and a veteran attacking someone out of misplaced anger and fear. It's the difference between someone content to repeat the same shitty ass behavior or give lip service to feeling bad for doing it but never changing, and someone actually working on themselves and trying to change. It's everything Sam learned at the VA, first for himself and then working to try to help others with. Having better outlets for anger and guilt and fear and pain and regret, that's always been what's been what he's tried to do. ]
A condition that I didn't think had to be stated, either, but it's gotten me into trouble before so I wasn't gonna leave it to chance.
[ As for the other bit... ]
Grief and anger makes a lot of people assholes, man, yours just comes with bloodlust and vampire strength and shitty impulse control. I'm not talking about a conversation about the shit you've done in the past - that's on you. [ All right, this might not be the best line of conversation for a pissed off vampire at the moment, but... well, Sam has a hard time pulling punches. ] I'm just looking at right now, at the next couple of months.
( if damon's intention is to make it easier for him to exist inside his own skin, is that any better than a monologuing villain, killing people because he can? it's still self-serving, it's still all about him and what he needs. the idea that because he's "in pain" he somehow... what, gets a pass? gets to be coddled and told that all he needs are some better coping strategies because he's just in so much darn emotional pain it's understandable that he'd lash out?
it's insulting, to him and to the people he's hurt. he doesn't deserve a pass and he doesn't want one — he knows what he is and what he does, and he's made his peace with it. he won't ever be his brother, he won't ever be elena, and that's fine. being a good person means being laden down with guilt and regret, and that's never been damon's style. )
Stop thinking at me so hard about what a good person I am, ( he snaps — he hadn't even really meant to, he's just so tired of this silent back and forth. if sam's going to try to talk to him about what a good person he is, they're going to do it out loud. ) You think it matters why I do the things I do to the people I've killed? The people I've used? I'm bad, and I like myself this way. Just because you have to delude yourself into being okay with being my friend doesn't mean I don't know who I am.
[ That's... all right, they're doing this. This is part of what Sam had wanted to have a conversation about later, because pushing Damon more might not be the best idea right now.
But apparently more of what he was thinking had bled out through their connection than he realized, and now - well, all right, now they're gonna talk about this. ]
You think me calling you an asshole with crappy impulse control who's done shitty things that are all on you is coddling you? All right, fine, you're a bad person who does good things sometimes, or you're a good person who does bad things a lot of times - I don't really give a shit. Good people cause collateral damage and war crimes and keep doing it anyway because it’s what they think is right, and bad people get congressional medals of honor and Nobel peace prizes - or else bad people save the world a couple of times and good people sometimes treat people as weapons or decide killing billions of people is worth having the world the way they think it should be.
[ This whole good or bad thing keeps being such a damn sticking point, and Sam isn't gonna argue with Damon's insistence of being a bad person, except - except. ]
Being good doesn't mean you gotta be your damn brother.
( it isn't enough for sam to acknowledge that he's an asshole — obviously he's an asshole, obviously he has shitty impulse control, obviously that's all on him — if he doesn't also hold him accountable for that behaviour. sam being his friend despite his shitty personality would be one thing, but now it feels like he's ignoring it, like... it'd only matter if damon was hurting people sam cared about. if he did something so terrible sam couldn't rationalize it or turn a blind eye to it. and maybe it'd be easier for damon to take that as a win and keep letting sam let him off the hook, but it wouldn't be real. sam wouldn't be friends with him, he'd be friends with some stupid idea of damon, of a person who could be saved with breathing exercises and friendship.
there's no saving him. that sam wants to means he's a better person than damon, but he needs to accept a lost cause when he meets one. )
Good people have good intentions. Good people don't hurt people if they can help it, they feel guilty when they do, and they try not to do it again. Does that sound like me to you?
( no matter his frustration, damon was willing to keep this conversation civil. he wanted to, even — he needs something from sam, after all. but sam's last sentence snaps something in him, tears open a vein that bleeds caustic and foul through his head, and he can't stand it.
before sam has time to react, damon blurs up to him, grabbing him by the throat and slamming him against the wall. his grip isn't tight enough to hurt, he has enough presence of mind for that, but it is unyielding. sam will hurt himself if he struggles. )
Don't ever think you know me just because I let you into my head. Don't ever mention my brother again.
( despite the suddenness of his action and the roiling pit that is his head, damon's voice is calm. icy, threatening, but calm. he's found it scares people more than when he yells. )
[ Whatever Sam might've said in response to that first question fades pretty damn quick when Damon lunges at him.
He can see it coming, is the thing. He barely even needs his goggles anymore to be able to pick up things he hadn't quite been able to before; it's just that seeing it coming doesn't mean anything when Damon's a hell of a lot faster than him. It just means that he can tamp down on the spike of adrenaline that surges up, before it bleeds out over to anyone that might come looking.
His ability activates as soon as Damon's touching him, and for once, he lets it. Instinct more than anything else takes over - how many times has he had to get out of a choke hold - as Sam drops his chin, shifts his weight, braces one hand against Damon's forearm and curls his fingers loosely over Damon's thumb, and holds himself still.
It's stupid to struggle, Sam knows that. It's not gonna do anything to get himself hurt, even if it wouldn't stay for long. Thanks to the symbiote, he's stronger than any human has a right to be, and it's hard to forget his training - but he ain't as strong as Damon, and he's not looking to try to turn to this into a fight. He knows how to keep himself calm in something like this; it's something he'd had to learn working with hyper-vigilant veterans who were all trained almost as he was.
Still. Sam loves Damon, but he's not the kind of guy who'll let himself be pushed around. ]
Let me go, Damon. You don't gotta threaten me if you don't want me to talk about something, all you gotta do is say it.
What about your position right now gives you the impression that I'm that rational?
❰ it's an almost willful ignorance that damon can't stand, that sam is treating him as though he's capable of just saying something like that, like he can just form that sentence in his head or out loud — sorry sam, this isn't something i can talk about, please don't bring up my rampant and debilitating brother issues ever again or i will literally claw out of my own skin. he can't say it, doesn't know how, wouldn't want to even if he did. it's a weakness that anyone can figure out if they pay close enough attention, but to acknowledge it himself gives it a power that he can't stand to give anyone or anything. not even sam. ❱
Stop acting like I'm some lost puppy you need to bring in from the cold. I'm a predator. I'm a monster. And I like myself this way.
❰ and for the moment, at least, that is true. he likes being in control, he likes being safe from harm. if you hurt others before they can hurt you, you win. sam might not have hurt him, but he'd do something just as bad. he'd force damon to contend with his pain, with how much he misses all the people he's left behind, with the secret he's kept. the one he's never said out loud, that he doesn't even think now, knowing sam might see it. the ultimate weakness, the apex of futility.
i'm not human, and i miss it. i miss it more than anything in the world!
these are things he can't deal with, doesn't want to. sam forces him to examine then, just by existing. by pulling them all out of him bit by bit, inch by painful inch. it's a talent of sam's that damon has indulged, but no longer. he can't do it anymore. there's only so much hurt a man can take, and he will not hurt any longer. not for sam or anyone else. ❱
[ That... that's fair, actually, Sam's the one who called him an asshole with shitty impulse control. If Damon was someone else, Sam'd probably be fighting dirty to get free right now, if Damon was human Sam might've broken his thumb to get out of his grip by now, if Sam didn't have the ability he does maybe he would've been more concerned about his own safety - if if if, probably might maybe, but none of that matters.
Damon is someone that Sam cares about, he's not human, and he does have an ability that makes it hard to have hurting him stick. ]
Not talking about right now, man, I'm thinking ahead. Next time, maybe we can graduate up to something like shut the fuck up.
[ And that is... well, that's true, too. Damon is a predator, and Sam's pretty sure that being a vampire is different than being human in ways past the obvious, in ways Sam doesn't understand yet. And even if some of that is the biggest damn load of bullshit, it's a load of bullshit that Damon's buying right about now.
Sam's no stranger to selling himself bullshit, when the alternative is more pain you don't want to deal with. Sam's not gonna call him on it or try to push the issue, not right now.
...he can't help but snark a little in return, though. ]
Nah. Steve Rogers is a puppy, Shiro's a puppy. You're more like an angry cat that claws me when I do something you don't like. [ But purrs when he's happy and is there when Sam is sad, so. Guess Sam's a cat person. ] I can back off.
❰ this lack of concern over what damon could do to him — it's maddening. the same way it was maddening when misato was unafraid, when seviilia was delighted by his violence rather than afraid of it. fear has been an effective weapon of his for so long that he doesn't know what to do when he can't wield it, when his attempts to instill it in even the people who like him meet with bland dismissal. if he can't make people afraid of him, he has no power, nothing to keep himself safe.
this is still too much introspection for his liking. he doesn't want to think about this, to consider the reasons that sam's lack of worry bothers him. he just wants things to be as they were.
she's been asleep for mere hours, and he already misses elena so acutely he finds it difficult to breathe.
sam's first comment spreads through his head like an oil slick — next time, because he is not afraid enough to leave, because he expects to have more conversations like this, because he will force them — and the second is a match thrown onto the oil. an angry cat — a harmless creature, angry because it is scared, lashing out because it's afraid if it doesn't something bad might happen. damon is not oblivious enough not to see the parallels, but that the comparison is apt only serves to make him angrier. he is not harmless — he is not helpless.
he lets go of sam's throat only to punch him in the face. his fist connects with the other man's nose, and he feels pain spread through his own face — sam's ability. he can give injury as well as take it.
he pauses for just a moment, and then punches sam again.
[ It's not because it's Damon, honestly. Sam's response to being threatened is never fear, it's always somewhere between calm readiness and pissed off action. The fact that he likes Damon means that it just swings more towards calm readiness, although there's definitely a little undercurrent of anger.
After everything, Damon lashing out physically shouldn't be a surprise. The comparison strikes home, and his last conversation with Misato where they called each other out had ended the same - granted, then he'd just felt her anger and resentment mentally instead of physically.
He feels the pressure of Damon's fist hitting his face, feels the briefest flare of pain, but just like that, it's gone. Damon's pause is long enough for Sam to override his immediate instincts to fight back, to slam his knee into Damon's groin to get him to stop - with his symbiote ability activated, it goes both ways. If he hits Damon, he's only going to be hitting himself -
He's only going to be hitting himself.
Sam knows violence, knows the passionate kind born from emotions so intense there's no where else for them to go and the impersonal kind that's all about business, doing what you have to do - knows that both can be directed at someone else other than the actual target, but especially the first kind. What Damon's doing only really comes from anger and hate, and while Damon might be plenty angry at him, Sam doesn't think that Damon hates him.
He also ain't gonna sit here and wait until Damon gets tired of beating himself up, though. He lashes out, putting all his symbiote-enhanced strength into striking at the inside of Damon's elbow to get him to loosen his hold enough that Sam can drop his weight down and push himself away. ]
❰ damon's relationship with himself is messy, complicated, an unending spool of contradictions and cognitive dissonance. he hates himself, but thinks he is better than everyone else he knows. he wants desperately to be better, but is not willing to change anything about himself to become better. he regrets and yet he doesn't, he wants and yet he's too above it all to care. the precarious balance he has of uncaring predator and emotional human is tipping dangerously, threatening to topple under the weight of his own memories, of elena's coma, of sam's attention. he can't hold all of these things in himself at once, doesn't know how.
it's easier, then, to use sam as a vehicle for his own self-loathing. if he could just stop feeling — if he could just let go of everything that's dragged him down — but he can't, because he's weak. he wants too much, wants elena, wants sam, wants a life and friends and people who care for him, and no amount of wishing he could just flip his switch and be done with it all can override all that wanting. so instead all he can do is hurt sam to hurt himself, and hope it makes it easier to let go of the things he needs to let go of.
he should know better than to think sam would just be a passive recipient to all this. as soon as there's an opening, sam strikes at his elbow, and it actually hurts — for no longer than a moment, but the shock is enough to have damon reel back and sam put distance between them. the instinct to follow him is squashed by the knowledge that if damon does he's giving too much away, and so he just stands where he is, staring at sam, ready for... something. whatever sam wants to throw at him. ❱
[ Damon is a complicated mess, and Sam could've said that before now, but after this? Well.
Sam is just - he's tired, honestly. He still hasn't come to grips with what Cathaway showed up out of the blue to warn him about, and he's still a little unraveled from the uncertainty of if he can really do this, really bring as many people back safe as he can like he promised he would.
Hell, apparently he can't even convince one of his closest friends that he cares and wants to be there for him without having to get into an argument of who's good and who's not and whether Sam really loves him or the idea of him - and how both things are able to exist at once, for Sam to accept him and love him as he is while also acknowledge his desperation to be better and believe he can be.
In hindsight he'll think he should have just shut up, should have recognized the space that Damon was in - hell, he did recognize the space Damon was in, he just should have known not to push it. But that doesn't excuse Damon's reaction, and Sam's a little pissed off and not willing to be all that charitable right now. ]
I'll back the fuck off all right, goddamn, this isn't gonna do either of us any good right now. Just, look - Cathaway warned me that we don't have an exaction plan if we blow our cover; they'll leave us there rather than risk the Station. It ain't fair not to know what we're walking into.
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sizeofyourbaggage) wrote2016-05-22 03:26 pm
d55
no one will stop him.
stefan and elena are both asleep, and that's what drives him to seek sam out. he knows himself, knows he's going to be impossible to manage for anyone else, and if it's really that important that he not lash out, he's going to need someone reminding him of that fact. at home he relied on stefan and elena for those reminders, but when their absence is the reason he needs it — sam is his only option.
his approach is heralded by a cloud of vicious anger and grief that precedes him, settling around sam like a shroud. when damon himself shows up, it's with london nowhere to be seen — the bird usually follows damon wherever he goes, but now he's in the nesting deck, sitting on top of the pod elena is sleeping in, hissing at anyone who gets too close. )
I need you to do something.
no subject
He'd hoped, that Damon might let him be there for him as much as he could - as much as anyone could - but he's not gonna be one to run to Damon right off the bat with platitudes. That's one good thing about the mind link, or at least Sam hopes that it is - he can give Damon his space and still make the offer to be there.
An offer that's gonna stand even when he feels that anger and grief, even when for a moment it tugs him back to a time when he felt something real damn similar. He breathes, and pulls himself back, enough that when Damon does arrive he's mostly steady, just a faint echo of grief. ]
What do you need?
[ He's not gonna say anything, because Sam's just about always honest and there's some things he might not do, but the feeling of almost anything still comes across. ]
no subject
( the word comes out full of contempt — the very idea of "missions" is laughable to damon. they aren't a military force, despite the presence of people like sam and shepard, and acting like they are is ridiculous. it expects more of them than they will ever be able to give the nest, and acting otherwise is just setting them up for failure — hell, they have an actual child here. damon's only interacted with pidge once, but it was enough that he knows she can't be more than fourteen. it'd be like dragging jeremy into this and then asking him to participate in a high-stakes military operation, it's just not going to go well.
but apparently they don't have a choice, and damon's not going to be the one to screw this up. )
I fuck things up when I'm... off-kilter.
( sam gets a few snapshots pressed into his mind — damon snapping jeremy's neck, damon feeding on a terrified woman in the middle of an abandoned road, damon forcing his bloody wrist in elena's mouth — )
If this is as delicate a situation as they said, I will fuck it up. I won't even have to try, I'll kill someone and it won't go away and then we'll be fucked. You can't let that happen.
( as damon speaks, his voice gets lower, his anger intensifies — he hates this, he hates coming to sam like he's a child who can't regulate his emotions, like he has to be watched and slapped on the wrist when he misbehaves. but he knows himself, knows that without someone to stop him he will do terrible things, and then... what happens to elena and stefan, then? what happens to them if this mission fails? he could stand to lose himself, to lose everyone else in the nest, if he had to, but not them. )
no subject
Cathaway's talk with him had only rammed that home more.
The images that Damon presses into his mind, it's... they're not pretty, none of it's pretty, especially not the kid. And there's a moment where Sam wonders if he's just excusing this because he cares about Damon, because he's seen sides of Damon that aren't that, because they have a mind link. But they don't make him falter. It's who Damon used to be, part of who he still is, but it's also who he's trying not to be.
He wouldn't have come here asking this if he wasn't.
But he doesn't think about protesting that Damon won't fuck it up, either. Damon is dangerous, and impulsive, and Sam won't waste either of their times pretending like that ain't true. Damon knows himself better than Sam does - about most things, anyway, Sam'll maintain that Damon either can't see or doesn't want to admit about himself almost all pertaining to his good qualities - and the fact that Damon's actually willing to acknowledge this and do something to prevent it isn't a bad sign in Sam's eyes. ]
When you're pissed the fuck off and you got too much rage and pain to keep inside, yeah. I can't promise that later I ain't gonna push, that I'm not gonna want to have a conversation about this, but right now?
[ Right now he's not gonna push. Right now he kind of wants to give Damon a hug, or take him somewhere to punch shit until even he gets kind of tired, or both. But they don't really have time for the second, and the first? Well, jury's still out there. ]
I won't let it happen. I promise. Just let me be clear about something - if it comes down to you defending yourself or protecting me or the others? It's off the table; we'll do what we need to do and we'll deal with it when it happens.
[ The last time he made someone a promise like this, that was a sticking point that got Sam into trouble because he didn't clarify what kind of promise he was making before he got shouted at for the deaths of people who held them at gunpoint - all of which slips easily across their mental link. ]
no subject
it's why sam's insistence that he isn't as bad as he thinks grates, and it grates worse now than it has before — it doesn't matter why he does these things, what pain he is exorcising through violence or what trauma drives him to inflict trauma on others. that he does it is all that anyone should care about. no matter what he says or what guilt he refuses to take on himself, damon knows that that's true, and it's why he'd never argue with anyone who calls him a bad person. he does bad things that hurt people. that's all anyone needs to know when they try to evaluate his character, but sam acts like those bad things can be forgiven if there's just enough pain behind them. like it matters that katherine tore his heart into pieces before he snapped jeremy's neck. it certainly didn't matter to elena. why should it? her brother was dead, why he was dead was immaterial.
knowing your own weaknesses does not absolve you of responsibility for them and make you a good person when you make others aware of them. damon knows himself; he doesn't deserve any special consideration for this fact. )
There's no conversation to have. They're asleep, I'm going to be an asshole about it. Make sure my being an asshole doesn't come with a body count.
( sam's stipulation does somewhat take the wind out of damon's sails, but only for how utterly obvious it seems to him. not even stefan would argue that, not even elena — they both know that when it comes down to it, kill or be killed is the only way they will get through some days. that there is anyone who disagrees is... well, it's not surprising, because judgmental the witch exists. but that sam thinks damon might be among those who do is. )
Duh? Why even say that, of course I'm going to kill people who are trying to kill me, what kind of condition is that?
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The point is that intention always matters, and it's never been about forgiveness. Sam ain't here to forgive anyone or try absolve any responsibility - it's why he very rarely tells Bucky that the things he's done in the past weren't his fault. It doesn't matter if that's true; what matters is that he did them. He's the one who's gonna have to live with them, have to deal with the consequences and figure out how to move forward.
But intention - it's the difference between Rumlow villain monologuing about causing pain while he tries to beat people up and a veteran attacking someone out of misplaced anger and fear. It's the difference between someone content to repeat the same shitty ass behavior or give lip service to feeling bad for doing it but never changing, and someone actually working on themselves and trying to change. It's everything Sam learned at the VA, first for himself and then working to try to help others with. Having better outlets for anger and guilt and fear and pain and regret, that's always been what's been what he's tried to do. ]
A condition that I didn't think had to be stated, either, but it's gotten me into trouble before so I wasn't gonna leave it to chance.
[ As for the other bit... ]
Grief and anger makes a lot of people assholes, man, yours just comes with bloodlust and vampire strength and shitty impulse control. I'm not talking about a conversation about the shit you've done in the past - that's on you. [ All right, this might not be the best line of conversation for a pissed off vampire at the moment, but... well, Sam has a hard time pulling punches. ] I'm just looking at right now, at the next couple of months.
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it's insulting, to him and to the people he's hurt. he doesn't deserve a pass and he doesn't want one — he knows what he is and what he does, and he's made his peace with it. he won't ever be his brother, he won't ever be elena, and that's fine. being a good person means being laden down with guilt and regret, and that's never been damon's style. )
Stop thinking at me so hard about what a good person I am, ( he snaps — he hadn't even really meant to, he's just so tired of this silent back and forth. if sam's going to try to talk to him about what a good person he is, they're going to do it out loud. ) You think it matters why I do the things I do to the people I've killed? The people I've used? I'm bad, and I like myself this way. Just because you have to delude yourself into being okay with being my friend doesn't mean I don't know who I am.
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But apparently more of what he was thinking had bled out through their connection than he realized, and now - well, all right, now they're gonna talk about this. ]
You think me calling you an asshole with crappy impulse control who's done shitty things that are all on you is coddling you? All right, fine, you're a bad person who does good things sometimes, or you're a good person who does bad things a lot of times - I don't really give a shit. Good people cause collateral damage and war crimes and keep doing it anyway because it’s what they think is right, and bad people get congressional medals of honor and Nobel peace prizes - or else bad people save the world a couple of times and good people sometimes treat people as weapons or decide killing billions of people is worth having the world the way they think it should be.
[ This whole good or bad thing keeps being such a damn sticking point, and Sam isn't gonna argue with Damon's insistence of being a bad person, except - except. ]
Being good doesn't mean you gotta be your damn brother.
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there's no saving him. that sam wants to means he's a better person than damon, but he needs to accept a lost cause when he meets one. )
Good people have good intentions. Good people don't hurt people if they can help it, they feel guilty when they do, and they try not to do it again. Does that sound like me to you?
( no matter his frustration, damon was willing to keep this conversation civil. he wanted to, even — he needs something from sam, after all. but sam's last sentence snaps something in him, tears open a vein that bleeds caustic and foul through his head, and he can't stand it.
before sam has time to react, damon blurs up to him, grabbing him by the throat and slamming him against the wall. his grip isn't tight enough to hurt, he has enough presence of mind for that, but it is unyielding. sam will hurt himself if he struggles. )
Don't ever think you know me just because I let you into my head. Don't ever mention my brother again.
( despite the suddenness of his action and the roiling pit that is his head, damon's voice is calm. icy, threatening, but calm. he's found it scares people more than when he yells. )
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He can see it coming, is the thing. He barely even needs his goggles anymore to be able to pick up things he hadn't quite been able to before; it's just that seeing it coming doesn't mean anything when Damon's a hell of a lot faster than him. It just means that he can tamp down on the spike of adrenaline that surges up, before it bleeds out over to anyone that might come looking.
His ability activates as soon as Damon's touching him, and for once, he lets it. Instinct more than anything else takes over - how many times has he had to get out of a choke hold - as Sam drops his chin, shifts his weight, braces one hand against Damon's forearm and curls his fingers loosely over Damon's thumb, and holds himself still.
It's stupid to struggle, Sam knows that. It's not gonna do anything to get himself hurt, even if it wouldn't stay for long. Thanks to the symbiote, he's stronger than any human has a right to be, and it's hard to forget his training - but he ain't as strong as Damon, and he's not looking to try to turn to this into a fight. He knows how to keep himself calm in something like this; it's something he'd had to learn working with hyper-vigilant veterans who were all trained almost as he was.
Still. Sam loves Damon, but he's not the kind of guy who'll let himself be pushed around. ]
Let me go, Damon. You don't gotta threaten me if you don't want me to talk about something, all you gotta do is say it.
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❰ it's an almost willful ignorance that damon can't stand, that sam is treating him as though he's capable of just saying something like that, like he can just form that sentence in his head or out loud — sorry sam, this isn't something i can talk about, please don't bring up my rampant and debilitating brother issues ever again or i will literally claw out of my own skin. he can't say it, doesn't know how, wouldn't want to even if he did. it's a weakness that anyone can figure out if they pay close enough attention, but to acknowledge it himself gives it a power that he can't stand to give anyone or anything. not even sam. ❱
Stop acting like I'm some lost puppy you need to bring in from the cold. I'm a predator. I'm a monster. And I like myself this way.
❰ and for the moment, at least, that is true. he likes being in control, he likes being safe from harm. if you hurt others before they can hurt you, you win. sam might not have hurt him, but he'd do something just as bad. he'd force damon to contend with his pain, with how much he misses all the people he's left behind, with the secret he's kept. the one he's never said out loud, that he doesn't even think now, knowing sam might see it. the ultimate weakness, the apex of futility.
i'm not human, and i miss it. i miss it more than anything in the world!
these are things he can't deal with, doesn't want to. sam forces him to examine then, just by existing. by pulling them all out of him bit by bit, inch by painful inch. it's a talent of sam's that damon has indulged, but no longer. he can't do it anymore. there's only so much hurt a man can take, and he will not hurt any longer. not for sam or anyone else. ❱
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Damon is someone that Sam cares about, he's not human, and he does have an ability that makes it hard to have hurting him stick. ]
Not talking about right now, man, I'm thinking ahead. Next time, maybe we can graduate up to something like shut the fuck up.
[ And that is... well, that's true, too. Damon is a predator, and Sam's pretty sure that being a vampire is different than being human in ways past the obvious, in ways Sam doesn't understand yet. And even if some of that is the biggest damn load of bullshit, it's a load of bullshit that Damon's buying right about now.
Sam's no stranger to selling himself bullshit, when the alternative is more pain you don't want to deal with. Sam's not gonna call him on it or try to push the issue, not right now.
...he can't help but snark a little in return, though. ]
Nah. Steve Rogers is a puppy, Shiro's a puppy. You're more like an angry cat that claws me when I do something you don't like. [ But purrs when he's happy and is there when Sam is sad, so. Guess Sam's a cat person. ] I can back off.
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this is still too much introspection for his liking. he doesn't want to think about this, to consider the reasons that sam's lack of worry bothers him. he just wants things to be as they were.
she's been asleep for mere hours, and he already misses elena so acutely he finds it difficult to breathe.
sam's first comment spreads through his head like an oil slick — next time, because he is not afraid enough to leave, because he expects to have more conversations like this, because he will force them — and the second is a match thrown onto the oil. an angry cat — a harmless creature, angry because it is scared, lashing out because it's afraid if it doesn't something bad might happen. damon is not oblivious enough not to see the parallels, but that the comparison is apt only serves to make him angrier. he is not harmless — he is not helpless.
he lets go of sam's throat only to punch him in the face. his fist connects with the other man's nose, and he feels pain spread through his own face — sam's ability. he can give injury as well as take it.
he pauses for just a moment, and then punches sam again.
and again.
and again. ❱
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After everything, Damon lashing out physically shouldn't be a surprise. The comparison strikes home, and his last conversation with Misato where they called each other out had ended the same - granted, then he'd just felt her anger and resentment mentally instead of physically.
He feels the pressure of Damon's fist hitting his face, feels the briefest flare of pain, but just like that, it's gone. Damon's pause is long enough for Sam to override his immediate instincts to fight back, to slam his knee into Damon's groin to get him to stop - with his symbiote ability activated, it goes both ways. If he hits Damon, he's only going to be hitting himself -
He's only going to be hitting himself.
Sam knows violence, knows the passionate kind born from emotions so intense there's no where else for them to go and the impersonal kind that's all about business, doing what you have to do - knows that both can be directed at someone else other than the actual target, but especially the first kind. What Damon's doing only really comes from anger and hate, and while Damon might be plenty angry at him, Sam doesn't think that Damon hates him.
He also ain't gonna sit here and wait until Damon gets tired of beating himself up, though. He lashes out, putting all his symbiote-enhanced strength into striking at the inside of Damon's elbow to get him to loosen his hold enough that Sam can drop his weight down and push himself away. ]
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it's easier, then, to use sam as a vehicle for his own self-loathing. if he could just stop feeling — if he could just let go of everything that's dragged him down — but he can't, because he's weak. he wants too much, wants elena, wants sam, wants a life and friends and people who care for him, and no amount of wishing he could just flip his switch and be done with it all can override all that wanting. so instead all he can do is hurt sam to hurt himself, and hope it makes it easier to let go of the things he needs to let go of.
he should know better than to think sam would just be a passive recipient to all this. as soon as there's an opening, sam strikes at his elbow, and it actually hurts — for no longer than a moment, but the shock is enough to have damon reel back and sam put distance between them. the instinct to follow him is squashed by the knowledge that if damon does he's giving too much away, and so he just stands where he is, staring at sam, ready for... something. whatever sam wants to throw at him. ❱
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Sam is just - he's tired, honestly. He still hasn't come to grips with what Cathaway showed up out of the blue to warn him about, and he's still a little unraveled from the uncertainty of if he can really do this, really bring as many people back safe as he can like he promised he would.
Hell, apparently he can't even convince one of his closest friends that he cares and wants to be there for him without having to get into an argument of who's good and who's not and whether Sam really loves him or the idea of him - and how both things are able to exist at once, for Sam to accept him and love him as he is while also acknowledge his desperation to be better and believe he can be.
In hindsight he'll think he should have just shut up, should have recognized the space that Damon was in - hell, he did recognize the space Damon was in, he just should have known not to push it. But that doesn't excuse Damon's reaction, and Sam's a little pissed off and not willing to be all that charitable right now. ]
I'll back the fuck off all right, goddamn, this isn't gonna do either of us any good right now. Just, look - Cathaway warned me that we don't have an exaction plan if we blow our cover; they'll leave us there rather than risk the Station. It ain't fair not to know what we're walking into.