(It was Zhukov. I tried to heal him, but - there's something else in his head. Whatever it is made him like that, and when I tried to heal what it did, it came after me.) [ There's a pause, and the sense that Sam's trying to figure this out as he goes. ] (Maybe that's giving it too much sentience, I dunno.)
(Yeah, the one that kept sticking his hand in kitchen appliances for warmth.)
[ He’d been creepy as hell, but maybe Sam’d gotten too used to creepy being around some of the Avengers. He hadn’t thought it would be at that level. There’s another bit of guilt when he hears that it tried to pull her down, too, but he manages to resist apologizing again. ]
(I’ve been trying to shield stuff from you best I can, but it’s getting harder.)
(It's just certain people, for me. I got real damn good at shielding most people out, but now it's starting to feel like the better I get with everyone else, the more stuff slips out with you and Bucky and Parker.)
[ And Clint and Shiro, but it's different with them. It's less that stuff slips out and more that they've chosen the closeness they have, and he doesn't usually work to keep his shields up.
There's a moment where there's a weighted pause, something heavy and empty where the younger Sam's name should have been, the ache of a newly lost brood bond - but he skips over it. ]
[ There's a twinge - Sam is gone and that stings. She's not sure why. She wasn't that close with him, even if he was a friend. But there's a hole where he ought to be and a part of her aches and knows that she's not going to be whole again until (if) he comes back.
She doesn't like it. ]
(Practice? I guess. I've been practicing. It doesn't seem to help.)
[ It's not the first time for him that someone who'd fallen was both broodmate and friend, and by now, it's... well. It's not easier, not with the hollow echo in the back of his mind where a brood bond should be, but it's starting to be a familiar feeling.
He still doesn't like it, either, but he knows that's not gonna change anything. ]
(It's helped me a little more when I do it with another person.)
(I mean - yeah. I want to try, at least. Just so I can try and stay... me.)
[ It's something she's been thinking about. It's never gone away. The fear that she'll stop being her one of these days. It's a creeping, subtle anxiety that never quite fades and always comes back to the forefront of her mind every few days. ]
(Yeah, tell me about it. I like who I am, and just because I've still got stuff I'm working on don't mean I want to change that much.)
[ There's a part of him that doesn't think they've got much of a choice, the longer they stay here, but he's not keen on thinking about that too closely. Instead he's shifted to operating in a similar way as he had before - he chooses who he lets in and who he keeps out, who he allows himself to be vulnerable with. Who he trusts enough to expose himself more to, who he knows that even if he did pick up traits from them, they'd be similar enough to his own that he wouldn't mind.
For now, it's enough to soothe him - but there's also times if he wonders if that's a good thing. ]
(It's weird. Sometimes I feel ok and then other days it's like I'm so aware that I have all these other people poking at the edges of my brain and trying to influence me. I... don't know what to do about it. I'm kind of stuck here, right?)
[ For a moment, Sam's quiet, a faint hum across their connection as he considers that. Nobody knows who they are at fourteen, and Sam can't imagine how much worse it'd be to try to figure out the shape of your own identity when you've got so many others pressing in at the back of your head. He might still be frustrated with her for the way their last talk ended, but he cares about her.
He wants to provide comfort to that question, but he'd also never lie to her. It's a hard balance. ]
(Yeah, at least for now. But this... this is a part of us, a part of who we are now. I don't think we're gonna be able to change that; I think all we can do is choose how we use it and hold on tight to what makes us who we are. And have other people who'll watch our backs.)
(Me too.) [ There's a quiet moment of melancholy, where it's clear that he misses his team, that he wishes he was back home. He almost leaves it at that, mindful of the last time he tried to open up to her, but... he can't say he wishes he'd never come here, that he'd never met the people he's met here. ] (But it's different for me. I came here to save my team, and even back home, there's not really anywhere else for me to go.)
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sizeofyourbaggage) wrote2016-05-22 03:26 pm
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( Yeah. I had a killer headache for a while, though. What exactly happened? )
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[ Oh, yeah. That guy. There had definitely been something "off" about him. ]
( It... definitely felt hungry, whatever it was. It wanted to pull me down, too. )
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[ He’d been creepy as hell, but maybe Sam’d gotten too used to creepy being around some of the Avengers. He hadn’t thought it would be at that level. There’s another bit of guilt when he hears that it tried to pull her down, too, but he manages to resist apologizing again. ]
( I’ve been trying to shield stuff from you best I can, but it’s getting harder. )
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[ There's a rush of... not quite outrage. Indignation. A sense of being a little disappointed or frustrated. ]
( You don't have to shield me from everything, you know. )
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( With everyone, or just certain people? )
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[ And Clint and Shiro, but it's different with them. It's less that stuff slips out and more that they've chosen the closeness they have, and he doesn't usually work to keep his shields up.
There's a moment where there's a weighted pause, something heavy and empty where the younger Sam's name should have been, the ache of a newly lost brood bond - but he skips over it. ]
( Do you wanna practice with me? )
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She doesn't like it. ]
( Practice? I guess. I've been practicing. It doesn't seem to help. )
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He still doesn't like it, either, but he knows that's not gonna change anything. ]
( It's helped me a little more when I do it with another person. )
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[ It's something she's been thinking about. It's never gone away. The fear that she'll stop being her one of these days. It's a creeping, subtle anxiety that never quite fades and always comes back to the forefront of her mind every few days. ]
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[ There's a part of him that doesn't think they've got much of a choice, the longer they stay here, but he's not keen on thinking about that too closely. Instead he's shifted to operating in a similar way as he had before - he chooses who he lets in and who he keeps out, who he allows himself to be vulnerable with. Who he trusts enough to expose himself more to, who he knows that even if he did pick up traits from them, they'd be similar enough to his own that he wouldn't mind.
For now, it's enough to soothe him - but there's also times if he wonders if that's a good thing. ]
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He wants to provide comfort to that question, but he'd also never lie to her. It's a hard balance. ]
( Yeah, at least for now. But this... this is a part of us, a part of who we are now. I don't think we're gonna be able to change that; I think all we can do is choose how we use it and hold on tight to what makes us who we are. And have other people who'll watch our backs. )
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[ She's dead certain of that. And her response is pretty damn forceful. ]
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( Don't gotta tell me that, I'm right there with you. That's why I think the rest of that's so important. )
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