[There's no jealousy there. No judgment. Just curiosity. Because part of him wants an affirmative, just to know he's really, honestly, not alone here. Not alone with this weird tic.]
[But... then again... didn't Lance always sleep with headphones on, in the Castle? Maybe he hadn't ever been the only one.]
(That's why, yeah. Used to be I'd keep going until I was so tired I had no choice but to sleep, and I could hope I wouldn't dream that night. Then I learned better ways - did some deep breathing and progressive muscle relaxation before, practiced a set of grounding tools so much that it was habit when I woke up from one, had music playing. Talked about shit. I had a routine that was pretty damn adaptable. I'll get back to it, just... right now I feel better having someone watching my back.)
[ Something that started before coming to the Station, back in the Raft, but it's only been worse since arriving here.
And that's a little more than he's shared with anyone else - a lot more - but it's Shiro. Sam trusts him, and he wants Shiro to know that he's not alone. ]
(Wow. No wonder you're always on my case about sleeping.)
[There's that flat humor again. He hadn't known. Maybe he'd have been able to listen better, to accept the advice better. There's a weird sense of guilt, flickering around his thoughts, even if he's not sure why exactly he feels it.]
(... do you need it to be the same person, always?)
(Sleep's important, man, everything's a million times harder when you're running on empty. And you're a million times crankier.)
[ He teases back, picking up on that humor with ease. It's something they both have in common, and it's easier than trying to figure out what that guilt he can feel is for, or even if it's Shiro's or his own. But he sobers a little at Shiro's question. ]
(No. But there ain't a lot of people here I trust like that.) [ Four, pretty much, just Clint, Steve, Bucky, and Shiro himself. But Sam doesn't have to say that for the understanding of who they are to make it across their mental link, and he hopes he knows where Shiro'd been going with that. ] (And I'd mean it in a different way, with you.)
(Yeah. I know. Or you just fall asleep wherever you sit down next.)
[Said from experience. Multiple experiences. But then they're moving on, changing topics slightly. Which is fine with him. Easier than getting too into certain issues. Or certain moments of falling asleep, or slipping out of time, mentally.]
(You'd trust me differently in your ... room... with you, at night?)
[There's a slip there, a mental image of more than just a room. A bed. The thought of room-bed-in-bed trailing through the words. He'd... been offering that. Both of those things. Combined together.]
[ There's a brief, low chuckle - because yeah, Sam's had that experience, too. It's not a fun one, and it's another reason why Sam's been so invested in getting Shiro to sleep more. ]
(I'm saying sleeping with you'd mean something different to me than it does with Clint. I'd want something different.) [ There's a pause, then, because he's learned to be as clear as possible with Shiro, he keeps going. ] (Not necessarily sex, all right, I know we're taking this slow. But not just watching each other's backs so we can sleep better.)
[ Not that it's just that with Clint any more, either, considering how much he and Clint are in each other's heads, but it's still very different than how it'd be with Shiro. ]
[Hey, at least they can both relate to it. As unfortunate as it may be. It's not something he'd really wish on anyone.]
[It takes him a while to answer. If only because he's doing his best to figure out how to answer. What he wants to say. He's got to make this right, doesn't he? Say the right thing. Say it so what he actually means comes out, instead of anything else.]
(All right, so part of me is a little flattered, I'll admit, that when I ask about "something different" your first thought is... well. That.)
[Honesty and all.]
(Can I ask what you'd want? So I've got a better idea.) [He hesitates again, thinking his words through again.] (I guess I'm asking all this so we're on the same page if we do this.)
[He's got no frame of reference, honestly. Not for this. And that much is open to Sam. A blank space, filled up only with whatever the media wanted people to think of as "normal".]
[ There's a lot of somewhat unfortunate things that they can both relate to, it seems. It's not something that Sam'd wish on anyone, either, but he'd be lying if he said it wasn't something that'd drawn him to Shiro from the very beginning.
It still helps knowing you're not alone.
Sam's patient, especially after dropping something like that, and he waits, giving Shiro time to pull together his thoughts. Then there's the impression of a soft smile and a flare of warmth. ]
(You're an attractive guy, all right, and I'm pretty into you.)
[ But then it's Sam's turn to pause to think. For a moment he's stuck on the rush of affection for Shiro, on being able to do this with him - communicate so damn openly.
In the end, what he's thinking slips out before he can figure out how to put it to words. The impression of sharing a bed, legs tangled together and wrapped in each other's arms, waking up in the morning to trade sleepy kisses, falling asleep doing the same. ]
[Well suddenly it's a little warm in the room, and he's dragging his hands through his hair. At a loss for what to do with them. His face is bright red -- he doesn't need a mirror to know that. The whole flare of affection the warmth, all of it is a little overwhelming.]
[Maybe not entirely in a bad way, though.]
(Yeah I uh. I gathered that.)
[He gathered a lot of things, really. A lot of things... he more or less forgot existed. Breathe. Focus. Because no part of that impression is bad. Quite the opposite, really. It's so good it's hard to focus on entirely.]
[But nothing coming off him right now is negative. Maybe overwhelmed. Uncertain how to answer besides a yes.]
(I... really don't think I can say no, and still be honest with you.)
[ If nothing else, at least Sam has successfully distracted him from his nightmare. This is the good kind of overwhelming, this is the kind of overwhelming that Sam'd love to see on Shiro damn near all the time.
He takes in Shiro's reaction across their connection, smiling a little. His first thought is then don't say no, but he doesn't quite give it voice. ]
(You feel like talking a little more about your nightmare, or are you done for the night?)
[ There's no sense of judging, just the feeling that whatever Shiro's answer is, Sam'll be happy with it. Because really, either way, Sam's gonna be with him - he'll just come to Shiro if he wants to talk about the arena more, otherwise he'll get Shiro to come to him. ]
[See, the problem with being in each others' heads so much, being so close, so often... you learn to read between the mental lines a little. Sam's been open with him on this. He needs to be, too.]
[It's not a bad idea. Far from it. He's flustered, and still learning how to reel it in enough to deal with it, process it. Talk through it without stammering.]
[Like now, when he has to think that one over. He's awake -- very awake. There feels like there's some distance between his mind and the dreams. Does he want to dive back in there now? When there's half a chance of getting rest? Of any kind?]
(I'm good. For now. I... mean that. Maybe tomorrow we can get back to it.)
[ That's... not necessarily a bad thing. Or at least, Sam doesn't think it's as much of one as he might before, now that it generally only happens with the people he's close to. With the ones that he's okay with knowing more about him than others.
He can feel how flustered Shiro is, that he's taking time to think it over - and he waits, patient as ever.
Well. Patient as he mostly is, anyway, somehow when he's actually kissing Shiro he always seems to get carried away.
But he gives Shiro a quiet mental tug at his response. ]
[He can feel a trace more color in his cheeks. But it's not overwhelming. It's actually kind of nice this time. It's warm. Like it's comforting. Being flustered is a comfort.]
(Yeah. More secure, more privacy. See you in a minute?)
[ It's a relief when Shiro agrees, and Sam doesn't bother to shield the pleased feeling. Instead he pushes himself to his feet, pulling out the second stowaway bed and an extra pillow and blanket. Clint's sleeping on the first, tucked behind the curtain in the front part of the ship, while Sam'd been on watch - but they don't keep up the strict alternating schedule they had on Concordia.
The last thing he does while waiting for Shiro to get there is pull on a tank top. He'd said it wasn't for sex; he should probably wear something more than his shorts. ]
[Just a minute to fully compose himself. To drag fingers through his hair, splash water over his face to try and scrub away panicked sweat. A change of clothes. Still comfortable, still sleep-wear. But less rumpled.]
[He'll knock, though. Lightly. With metal knuckles.]
[ His hand reaches out automatically to take Shiro's - whichever one is closest, he isn't picky - as he pulls him in to press a kiss against his temple. ]
You need to have your back up against something or to be able to see the door or anything?
[ He asks it like do you have a side of the bed you prefer, like it's a totally normal question. But it is, to him, and he figures that if Shiro has the kind of sleep problems that come from hyper-vigilance, he'll understand, and if he doesn't know what he's talking about, he won't judge him. ]
[He feels his face color a bit, automatically, when he hears that name. But it's not the full-on blush and fluster it's been before. Just a brief bit of pink across the tips of his scar.]
[But he doesn't pull metal fingers away.] Hi. I'm not... waking anyone else up, am I?
[A pause, considering the question. It's hard not to know what Sam means, as close as they're linked anymore. It ends up not being all that important, however. And so he shakes his head.]
It doesn't matter to me. It hasn't mattered in a while, actually.
Nah. [ If this was gonna wake Clint up, he'd already be up - and hell, he might have, might have stirred and assessed the situation and gone back to sleep. There'd been a spike in attention, and Sam honestly wasn't sure whose it was, but he isn't going to pry.
Instead he tips his head in acknowledgement, stifling a yawn behind his free hand. ]
Good to know.
[ The ship is small, so it's not far to the bed, and Sam drops down to sit on it, tugging Shiro to join him. ]
Just let me know if you get uncomfortable, all right?
[He can't help but feel a flood of warmth at all this. At all the affection and support. Someone rearranging their evening for his sake. He gives the hand still threaded in his a squeeze. Careful -- he can't feel more than vague contact there, anyway.]
Yeah, likewise.
[Just a moment's pause before he eases down beside Sam. Close. And there's no denying it feels good. Just to be sitting like this.]
Pretty sure I couldn't hide it from you if I tried.
[ He squeezes Shiro's hand back, giving him a soft, pleased smile. Sam's glad Shiro came, really, that he's letting himself have this kind of affection and support.
And it's not like Sam's just doing this completely for Shiro's sake, considering that he'd really like to be able to fall asleep holding him.
Sam pulls the blankets aside so he can slide under them, rolling over on his side so his back's against the wall of the ship, and keeps them flipped back to let Shiro do the same. Once he does, Sam'll pull them back up over both of them. ]
[He can't help but hesitate, just a little. He's not sure entirely why. Maybe part of him wants to be sure this is okay. That Sam really wants this, and isn't just humoring him somehow. He knows that's not true -- he knows the man wouldn't do anything either of them weren't totally comfortable with.]
[It doesn't feel wrong. It's... different.]
[He shakes his head a bit, pushing his hands through his hair again. Like always when he's thinking something over.]
You're going to tell me if I snore, right?
[And that's it. That's the debate. That's the last of the hangups before he eases in next to him. Almost laughing.]
[Who would have thought? That this would happen here, of all places. Here with this thing pounding away in his head, so far from Earth, so far from normal he doesn't even know which way the Milky Way is.]
[ Sam huffs a soft laugh, part at the question, part out of relief when Shiro stops hesitating and gets in next to him. He presses in close, sliding an arm around Shiro and reaching up to brush his fingers gently through Shiro's hair. ]
I'll kick you in the shins, don't worry.
[ But he's teasing, and his eyes slide shut as he settles down into the warmth of shared body heat. ]
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sizeofyourbaggage) wrote2016-05-22 03:26 pm
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[There's no jealousy there. No judgment. Just curiosity. Because part of him wants an affirmative, just to know he's really, honestly, not alone here. Not alone with this weird tic.]
[But... then again... didn't Lance always sleep with headphones on, in the Castle? Maybe he hadn't ever been the only one.]
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[ Something that started before coming to the Station, back in the Raft, but it's only been worse since arriving here.
And that's a little more than he's shared with anyone else - a lot more - but it's Shiro. Sam trusts him, and he wants Shiro to know that he's not alone. ]
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[There's that flat humor again. He hadn't known. Maybe he'd have been able to listen better, to accept the advice better. There's a weird sense of guilt, flickering around his thoughts, even if he's not sure why exactly he feels it.]
(... do you need it to be the same person, always?)
[Maybe you can see where he's going here, Sam.]
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[ He teases back, picking up on that humor with ease. It's something they both have in common, and it's easier than trying to figure out what that guilt he can feel is for, or even if it's Shiro's or his own. But he sobers a little at Shiro's question. ]
( No. But there ain't a lot of people here I trust like that. ) [ Four, pretty much, just Clint, Steve, Bucky, and Shiro himself. But Sam doesn't have to say that for the understanding of who they are to make it across their mental link, and he hopes he knows where Shiro'd been going with that. ] ( And I'd mean it in a different way, with you. )
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[Said from experience. Multiple experiences. But then they're moving on, changing topics slightly. Which is fine with him. Easier than getting too into certain issues. Or certain moments of falling asleep, or slipping out of time, mentally.]
(You'd trust me differently in your ... room... with you, at night?)
[There's a slip there, a mental image of more than just a room. A bed. The thought of room-bed-in-bed trailing through the words. He'd... been offering that. Both of those things. Combined together.]
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( I'm saying sleeping with you'd mean something different to me than it does with Clint. I'd want something different. ) [ There's a pause, then, because he's learned to be as clear as possible with Shiro, he keeps going. ] ( Not necessarily sex, all right, I know we're taking this slow. But not just watching each other's backs so we can sleep better. )
[ Not that it's just that with Clint any more, either, considering how much he and Clint are in each other's heads, but it's still very different than how it'd be with Shiro. ]
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[It takes him a while to answer. If only because he's doing his best to figure out how to answer. What he wants to say. He's got to make this right, doesn't he? Say the right thing. Say it so what he actually means comes out, instead of anything else.]
(All right, so part of me is a little flattered, I'll admit, that when I ask about "something different" your first thought is... well. That.)
[Honesty and all.]
(Can I ask what you'd want? So I've got a better idea.) [He hesitates again, thinking his words through again.] (I guess I'm asking all this so we're on the same page if we do this.)
[He's got no frame of reference, honestly. Not for this. And that much is open to Sam. A blank space, filled up only with whatever the media wanted people to think of as "normal".]
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It still helps knowing you're not alone.
Sam's patient, especially after dropping something like that, and he waits, giving Shiro time to pull together his thoughts. Then there's the impression of a soft smile and a flare of warmth. ]
( You're an attractive guy, all right, and I'm pretty into you. )
[ But then it's Sam's turn to pause to think. For a moment he's stuck on the rush of affection for Shiro, on being able to do this with him - communicate so damn openly.
In the end, what he's thinking slips out before he can figure out how to put it to words. The impression of sharing a bed, legs tangled together and wrapped in each other's arms, waking up in the morning to trade sleepy kisses, falling asleep doing the same. ]
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[Maybe not entirely in a bad way, though.]
(Yeah I uh. I gathered that.)
[He gathered a lot of things, really. A lot of things... he more or less forgot existed. Breathe. Focus. Because no part of that impression is bad. Quite the opposite, really. It's so good it's hard to focus on entirely.]
[But nothing coming off him right now is negative. Maybe overwhelmed. Uncertain how to answer besides a yes.]
(I... really don't think I can say no, and still be honest with you.)
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He takes in Shiro's reaction across their connection, smiling a little. His first thought is then don't say no, but he doesn't quite give it voice. ]
( You feel like talking a little more about your nightmare, or are you done for the night? )
[ There's no sense of judging, just the feeling that whatever Shiro's answer is, Sam'll be happy with it. Because really, either way, Sam's gonna be with him - he'll just come to Shiro if he wants to talk about the arena more, otherwise he'll get Shiro to come to him. ]
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[See, the problem with being in each others' heads so much, being so close, so often... you learn to read between the mental lines a little. Sam's been open with him on this. He needs to be, too.]
[It's not a bad idea. Far from it. He's flustered, and still learning how to reel it in enough to deal with it, process it. Talk through it without stammering.]
[Like now, when he has to think that one over. He's awake -- very awake. There feels like there's some distance between his mind and the dreams. Does he want to dive back in there now? When there's half a chance of getting rest? Of any kind?]
(I'm good. For now. I... mean that. Maybe tomorrow we can get back to it.)
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He can feel how flustered Shiro is, that he's taking time to think it over - and he waits, patient as ever.
Well. Patient as he mostly is, anyway, somehow when he's actually kissing Shiro he always seems to get carried away.
But he gives Shiro a quiet mental tug at his response. ]
( Come here? We can try to get some sleep. )
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[He can feel a trace more color in his cheeks. But it's not overwhelming. It's actually kind of nice this time. It's warm. Like it's comforting. Being flustered is a comfort.]
[He nods, before thinking better of it.]
(Yeah. Okay. You're in that ship still?)
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[ It's a relief when Shiro agrees, and Sam doesn't bother to shield the pleased feeling. Instead he pushes himself to his feet, pulling out the second stowaway bed and an extra pillow and blanket. Clint's sleeping on the first, tucked behind the curtain in the front part of the ship, while Sam'd been on watch - but they don't keep up the strict alternating schedule they had on Concordia.
The last thing he does while waiting for Shiro to get there is pull on a tank top. He'd said it wasn't for sex; he should probably wear something more than his shorts. ]
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[Just a minute to fully compose himself. To drag fingers through his hair, splash water over his face to try and scrub away panicked sweat. A change of clothes. Still comfortable, still sleep-wear. But less rumpled.]
[He'll knock, though. Lightly. With metal knuckles.]
(Here.)
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[ His hand reaches out automatically to take Shiro's - whichever one is closest, he isn't picky - as he pulls him in to press a kiss against his temple. ]
You need to have your back up against something or to be able to see the door or anything?
[ He asks it like do you have a side of the bed you prefer, like it's a totally normal question. But it is, to him, and he figures that if Shiro has the kind of sleep problems that come from hyper-vigilance, he'll understand, and if he doesn't know what he's talking about, he won't judge him. ]
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[But he doesn't pull metal fingers away.] Hi. I'm not... waking anyone else up, am I?
[A pause, considering the question. It's hard not to know what Sam means, as close as they're linked anymore. It ends up not being all that important, however. And so he shakes his head.]
It doesn't matter to me. It hasn't mattered in a while, actually.
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Instead he tips his head in acknowledgement, stifling a yawn behind his free hand. ]
Good to know.
[ The ship is small, so it's not far to the bed, and Sam drops down to sit on it, tugging Shiro to join him. ]
Just let me know if you get uncomfortable, all right?
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Yeah, likewise.
[Just a moment's pause before he eases down beside Sam. Close. And there's no denying it feels good. Just to be sitting like this.]
Pretty sure I couldn't hide it from you if I tried.
[So yes, he will. In other words.]
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And it's not like Sam's just doing this completely for Shiro's sake, considering that he'd really like to be able to fall asleep holding him.
Sam pulls the blankets aside so he can slide under them, rolling over on his side so his back's against the wall of the ship, and keeps them flipped back to let Shiro do the same. Once he does, Sam'll pull them back up over both of them. ]
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[It doesn't feel wrong. It's... different.]
[He shakes his head a bit, pushing his hands through his hair again. Like always when he's thinking something over.]
You're going to tell me if I snore, right?
[And that's it. That's the debate. That's the last of the hangups before he eases in next to him. Almost laughing.]
[Who would have thought? That this would happen here, of all places. Here with this thing pounding away in his head, so far from Earth, so far from normal he doesn't even know which way the Milky Way is.]
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I'll kick you in the shins, don't worry.
[ But he's teasing, and his eyes slide shut as he settles down into the warmth of shared body heat. ]
( Go to sleep, sweetheart, I got you. )
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[It does feel better. Just having someone here. Just having someone nearby. Contact. Closeness.]
[There's a little sound of his own, pulling his knees up out of reflex before trying to drift off.]