Sam Wilson (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
sizeofyourbaggage) wrote2016-05-22 03:26 pm
sizeofyourbaggage) wrote2016-05-22 03:26 pm
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[ There's a trickle of something apologetic as soon as her mind touches his, not exactly intended but out before he can really even think about it. ]
( I think so. I didn't think it was gonna be like that; are you okay? )
( I think so. I didn't think it was gonna be like that; are you okay? )
[ No, he probably doesn't have an idea. But with what he's seen so far, well. He's not about to call her a good person or anything, but it takes a lot for him to think of anyone as a monster.
There's a thoughtful hum at her question, considering. He'd been able to heal Zhukov - or at least start to - but that might not be a good comparison, either, with just what'd been lurking in the guy's mind. ]
( It's enough for the symbiote, enough to give us this connection. I'm betting there'll be something to pull from. If you're willing to test it, we could start with something small. )
There's a thoughtful hum at her question, considering. He'd been able to heal Zhukov - or at least start to - but that might not be a good comparison, either, with just what'd been lurking in the guy's mind. ]
( It's enough for the symbiote, enough to give us this connection. I'm betting there'll be something to pull from. If you're willing to test it, we could start with something small. )
[ Focus, right. As much as Sam would love to be able to run his fingers through Shiro's hair to wake him up from a nightmare, to kiss him to distract him from it and pull him out of his head - that's not who Sam can be at the moment. Shiro doesn't need a lover right now; he needs the support of someone who knows the tools to help get through this.
He pulls back a little, giving a soft, vaguely amused huff. ]
( You're right, that did sound awful. ) [ He gets it, though, and understanding flows between them. ] ( I know you're not. You're learning the skills you need, and I hope you're using 'em. You got nothing to be sorry for, man, it doesn't matter how long it takes. But as far as a starting point goes... we can do it right here, if you want. )
[ There's a pause, and his next question is softer. ] ( What do you remember? )
He pulls back a little, giving a soft, vaguely amused huff. ]
( You're right, that did sound awful. ) [ He gets it, though, and understanding flows between them. ] ( I know you're not. You're learning the skills you need, and I hope you're using 'em. You got nothing to be sorry for, man, it doesn't matter how long it takes. But as far as a starting point goes... we can do it right here, if you want. )
[ There's a pause, and his next question is softer. ] ( What do you remember? )
(Sorry. I... couldn't think of a better way to phrase it.)
[He would have, if he could. Maybe if he wasn't freshly woken up. Or if he'd actually slept. Something like that. But he's also glad the judgment isn't there. That it's accepted so easily.]
(Doing as best I can. All things considered.) [Sometimes it's hard to remember, on top of everything else. But he's trying. He's doing his best.] (I'm not going back to sleep, so...)
[What does he remember?]
[Not a lot. Being taken. The first time they saw their captors. That ... day at the Arena. Bits and pieces of the fights. Occasional flashes of bright lights overhead, of being held down... like the dream just now. Hallways. Guard patrols.]
(Not a lot.) [He says, but lets those bits of memory filter through. Held back as much as possible. Just to show him a glimpse.]
[He would have, if he could. Maybe if he wasn't freshly woken up. Or if he'd actually slept. Something like that. But he's also glad the judgment isn't there. That it's accepted so easily.]
(Doing as best I can. All things considered.) [Sometimes it's hard to remember, on top of everything else. But he's trying. He's doing his best.] (I'm not going back to sleep, so...)
[What does he remember?]
[Not a lot. Being taken. The first time they saw their captors. That ... day at the Arena. Bits and pieces of the fights. Occasional flashes of bright lights overhead, of being held down... like the dream just now. Hallways. Guard patrols.]
(Not a lot.) [He says, but lets those bits of memory filter through. Held back as much as possible. Just to show him a glimpse.]
[ He can still feel the echo of that tension as he watches Steve move to pick it up. Sam's spent so much time trying to get the Steve he knew back home to share just a little bit of the weight of the world he's got on his shoulders; he'd never forgive himself if he was a part of putting more of it on his friend's shoulders here.
He reaches out over the mental link the way he's not sure Steve would want him to do physically, the sensation of a hand catching his and tugging - hey, stop a minute. ]
You know, the guy I knew back home... I always wished he'd think about himself a little more, and everyone else a little less. If this ain't something you want, man, that's different. Just don't let it be 'cause you think you're not gonna measure up to it; you already do. And you don't gotta be alone in it, whatever you decide.
He reaches out over the mental link the way he's not sure Steve would want him to do physically, the sensation of a hand catching his and tugging - hey, stop a minute. ]
You know, the guy I knew back home... I always wished he'd think about himself a little more, and everyone else a little less. If this ain't something you want, man, that's different. Just don't let it be 'cause you think you're not gonna measure up to it; you already do. And you don't gotta be alone in it, whatever you decide.
( It was Zhukov. I tried to heal him, but - there's something else in his head. Whatever it is made him like that, and when I tried to heal what it did, it came after me. ) [ There's a pause, and the sense that Sam's trying to figure this out as he goes. ] ( Maybe that's giving it too much sentience, I dunno. )
[ It's fine, it is, and Sam hums quietly as he presses in closer, the phantom sensation of his shoulder against Shiro's. ]
( Your best is more than enough, Shiro. ) [ He doesn't just mean the coping skills and the training, but now's not the time for that.
Instead he closes his eyes, letting the little snippets of memory that Shiro shows him wash over him. It's a glimpse, enough to give Sam a pretty good idea of what'd happened - but that's not the point of this. What Sam already knew would've been enough for him; he never felt the need to know the details, not if Shiro didn't want to talk about them. For what they're doing here - he can't just have a good idea of it; he's gotta get Shiro to talk about it. ]
( You're holding back. ) [ It's gentle, still without recrimination, but Sam doesn't hesitate to point it out. He reaches back out again, puts a little bit more of himself over their connection, curling around Shiro's mind. Supporting him, trying to give him someone to fall back on. ] ( You don't gotta remember it clear enough to show me, you can talk through it. But you can't hold back, not if it's gonna help. )
( Your best is more than enough, Shiro. ) [ He doesn't just mean the coping skills and the training, but now's not the time for that.
Instead he closes his eyes, letting the little snippets of memory that Shiro shows him wash over him. It's a glimpse, enough to give Sam a pretty good idea of what'd happened - but that's not the point of this. What Sam already knew would've been enough for him; he never felt the need to know the details, not if Shiro didn't want to talk about them. For what they're doing here - he can't just have a good idea of it; he's gotta get Shiro to talk about it. ]
( You're holding back. ) [ It's gentle, still without recrimination, but Sam doesn't hesitate to point it out. He reaches back out again, puts a little bit more of himself over their connection, curling around Shiro's mind. Supporting him, trying to give him someone to fall back on. ] ( You don't gotta remember it clear enough to show me, you can talk through it. But you can't hold back, not if it's gonna help. )
( thankfully, sam's pause gives damon time to fill the fog back in. jeremy and jenna disappear first, followed by stefan. elena lingers longer than the rest, but even she is swallowed up eventually, and finally damon can relax. marginally, anyway — he doesn't want that to happen again, but if sam keeps roaming further in his head, there's no guarantee it won't. if it weren't for all he has to keep from elena, that wouldn't matter.
Keep going, he says after a second, all traces of his joking manner lost. he doesn't want to be here, he doesn't want to be doing this. he's willingly making himself the most vulnerable and open he's ever been, all for a girl who, at this point, barely tolerates him.
the things he finds himself doing for love never stop disgusting him. )
Keep going, he says after a second, all traces of his joking manner lost. he doesn't want to be here, he doesn't want to be doing this. he's willingly making himself the most vulnerable and open he's ever been, all for a girl who, at this point, barely tolerates him.
the things he finds himself doing for love never stop disgusting him. )
Edited 2017-03-06 15:14 (UTC)
[He wants to argue, but he can't. He wants to say that it hasn't ever been enough. That if it was enough, then his first team, first mission, would have made it through. There wouldn't have been a need to save Allura, he wouldn't second-guess everything so often.]
[But Sam is going to maintain otherwise. He knows that much by now. So he says nothing, on that point.]
(Didn't want to drag you in again.) [And, to be honest, he didn't like dwelling on those thoughts. If only because of all the gaps. The holes in his memory.] (But that's... good. Because I don't think I remember anything that clearly.)
[But Sam is going to maintain otherwise. He knows that much by now. So he says nothing, on that point.]
(Didn't want to drag you in again.) [And, to be honest, he didn't like dwelling on those thoughts. If only because of all the gaps. The holes in his memory.] (But that's... good. Because I don't think I remember anything that clearly.)
( Well, if we wish to attempt, I believe it best if we do it soon. )
[Better now, than when she was actually hungry and risk something going wrong. Though in truth, given the circumstances and amount of volunteers, Seviilia is beginning to doubt she will truly starve ever again. It was an interesting revelation, to say the least.
She won't say as much, of course.]
[Better now, than when she was actually hungry and risk something going wrong. Though in truth, given the circumstances and amount of volunteers, Seviilia is beginning to doubt she will truly starve ever again. It was an interesting revelation, to say the least.
She won't say as much, of course.]
[ He hums a wordless acknowledgement, and he’s not necessarily more careful as he moves forward, but he definitely reflects the more serious manner. He’d kept it light to try to keep this as relaxed and easy as possible, but there’s no denying that Damon is making himself pretty damn vulnerable. Sam knows a little something about how that is, about reluctance to open up and things he wants to hide from everyone, about always choosing who he allows himself to be vulnerable with and what he lets them see.
You get more comfortable with vulnerability when you talk about some of your darkest moments in front of a room full of relative strangers, but it’d still always been a choice.
Sam won’t take advantage of it, but he doesn’t say that. That isn’t something you can just tell someone and expect it to believed, that’s something that you prove.
He lets himself flow deeper into Damon’s mind, exploring along the edges of his shielding and following it down, focusing hard on their connection. When he finds gaps he presses, showing him how to solidify them and make sure they’ll withstand under pressure - doing his best not to acknowledge any memories or emotions that come up in the process. ]
You get more comfortable with vulnerability when you talk about some of your darkest moments in front of a room full of relative strangers, but it’d still always been a choice.
Sam won’t take advantage of it, but he doesn’t say that. That isn’t something you can just tell someone and expect it to believed, that’s something that you prove.
He lets himself flow deeper into Damon’s mind, exploring along the edges of his shielding and following it down, focusing hard on their connection. When he finds gaps he presses, showing him how to solidify them and make sure they’ll withstand under pressure - doing his best not to acknowledge any memories or emotions that come up in the process. ]
[ There’s a part of him that’s aware that this is selfishly motivated - it’s stupid not to learn to control this aspect of his ability, but he doesn’t like the idea of asking someone to practice this with him just for his own benefit. If they’re both getting something out it, it makes him feel better.
Whatever it takes, he guesses. ]
( No time like now. )
Whatever it takes, he guesses. ]
( No time like now. )
( Yeah, the one that kept sticking his hand in kitchen appliances for warmth. )
[ He’d been creepy as hell, but maybe Sam’d gotten too used to creepy being around some of the Avengers. He hadn’t thought it would be at that level. There’s another bit of guilt when he hears that it tried to pull her down, too, but he manages to resist apologizing again. ]
( I’ve been trying to shield stuff from you best I can, but it’s getting harder. )
[ He’d been creepy as hell, but maybe Sam’d gotten too used to creepy being around some of the Avengers. He hadn’t thought it would be at that level. There’s another bit of guilt when he hears that it tried to pull her down, too, but he manages to resist apologizing again. ]
( I’ve been trying to shield stuff from you best I can, but it’s getting harder. )
[ Shiro's right - Sam will maintain otherwise. But he doesn't have to argue for Sam to know that Shiro isn't buying it, and there's only a moment before Sam modifies it.
For me. It's more than enough for me. The correction is wordless, but he sends the idea across their mental link all the same. ]
( Thank you. ) [ For worrying about him, he means. For thinking of that. He knows that it's what Shiro does, that he does it for damn near everyone and maybe Sam shouldn't take it so personal, it's just. It's hard not to when there aren't a lot of people Sam gets that from. ] ( I'm a hell of a lot better at it than when we first met. )
[ But that's not the point. ]
( It's okay. Start with what you do know, with what lead up to you getting taken, with what you remember during it, and what happened after? )
For me. It's more than enough for me. The correction is wordless, but he sends the idea across their mental link all the same. ]
( Thank you. ) [ For worrying about him, he means. For thinking of that. He knows that it's what Shiro does, that he does it for damn near everyone and maybe Sam shouldn't take it so personal, it's just. It's hard not to when there aren't a lot of people Sam gets that from. ] ( I'm a hell of a lot better at it than when we first met. )
[ But that's not the point. ]
( It's okay. Start with what you do know, with what lead up to you getting taken, with what you remember during it, and what happened after? )
[Well. In a way, that's easier to accept than everyone taking him on as "enough". Everyone accepting it as "enough". When the last thing he remembers doing for the team amounts to letting them down. All of them.]
[He'll accept that, though, from Sam, if nothing else. And for now.]
(Getting better than me pretty quick.)
[He means it as a compliment. And there's no ire in the comment. Just a sort of admiration. And respect. The muted sensation of a sigh. His own hands pushing through his hair.]
(Nothing lead up to it. Nothing we could tell...) [Because they'd been so happy. Everything had been good. Cold -- space and fields of ice and the only human beings on an entire planet. Dry humor and what had to be the last time he'd seen Matt really smile.]
[He can't keep all that to himself. Of course it filters through. All of that, and the sudden, alien shape blocking out the stars.]
(They were just... there. Out of nowhere. We tried getting back to the ship but...)
[He trails off. Remembering searing light. Grabbing their hands and running. Pulling and shoving them ahead. And it hadn't done any good.]
[He'll accept that, though, from Sam, if nothing else. And for now.]
(Getting better than me pretty quick.)
[He means it as a compliment. And there's no ire in the comment. Just a sort of admiration. And respect. The muted sensation of a sigh. His own hands pushing through his hair.]
(Nothing lead up to it. Nothing we could tell...) [Because they'd been so happy. Everything had been good. Cold -- space and fields of ice and the only human beings on an entire planet. Dry humor and what had to be the last time he'd seen Matt really smile.]
[He can't keep all that to himself. Of course it filters through. All of that, and the sudden, alien shape blocking out the stars.]
(They were just... there. Out of nowhere. We tried getting back to the ship but...)
[He trails off. Remembering searing light. Grabbing their hands and running. Pulling and shoving them ahead. And it hadn't done any good.]
( Spent a long time learning how, I just had to adjust things a little. )
[ Sam takes it for the compliment it is, and can't help but be just a little bit pleased by that respect. It's... nice, to feel that someone he cares about as much as he does Shiro thinks well of him.
But that's not the reason he's here, and Sam falls quiet as Shiro talks. There's the obvious sense through their mental link that he's listening, attention focused on what Shiro's saying - and even as he takes in the memories they call up, he lets them back go.
He breathes in, breathes out, and sinks more of himself into his connection with Shiro. Until he might as well be right there with him, hands laced together and his forehead pressed against Shiro's. Keeping him grounded, an anchor to remind him to stay here and not go back, even as he pulls up those memories. ]
( Keep going, sweetheart, you're doing good. )
[ Sam takes it for the compliment it is, and can't help but be just a little bit pleased by that respect. It's... nice, to feel that someone he cares about as much as he does Shiro thinks well of him.
But that's not the reason he's here, and Sam falls quiet as Shiro talks. There's the obvious sense through their mental link that he's listening, attention focused on what Shiro's saying - and even as he takes in the memories they call up, he lets them back go.
He breathes in, breathes out, and sinks more of himself into his connection with Shiro. Until he might as well be right there with him, hands laced together and his forehead pressed against Shiro's. Keeping him grounded, an anchor to remind him to stay here and not go back, even as he pulls up those memories. ]
( Keep going, sweetheart, you're doing good. )
[How can he think anything but good of Sam? Really? After everything they've been through so far? How can he think anything less?]
[It is obvious. And it's helpful. In its own way -- because wow, he doesn't want to talk about this. He hasn't ever wanted to talk about this. The others just stopped asking. Stopped probing. He was grateful for that too. But he wants the dreams to stop. Wants the flashes to stop.]
[Just focus on the other presence. Just talk.]
(I don't remember how they... took us. I just remember being there. Trying to get them to let us go. But they just dragged us all off.)
[There hadn't even been a chance to fight back. They'd all been overpowered. Caught off-guard. And the next thing he knew were prison walls and terror.]
[And then nothing. Just a blank.]
(... it must have been a long time. Before they split us all up for good. But I don't know. There's nothing there until... they took us to the arena.)
[His mental voice falters, there. The memory harsh and clear, sharp as broken glass against the blank space before it.]
[It is obvious. And it's helpful. In its own way -- because wow, he doesn't want to talk about this. He hasn't ever wanted to talk about this. The others just stopped asking. Stopped probing. He was grateful for that too. But he wants the dreams to stop. Wants the flashes to stop.]
[Just focus on the other presence. Just talk.]
(I don't remember how they... took us. I just remember being there. Trying to get them to let us go. But they just dragged us all off.)
[There hadn't even been a chance to fight back. They'd all been overpowered. Caught off-guard. And the next thing he knew were prison walls and terror.]
[And then nothing. Just a blank.]
(... it must have been a long time. Before they split us all up for good. But I don't know. There's nothing there until... they took us to the arena.)
[His mental voice falters, there. The memory harsh and clear, sharp as broken glass against the blank space before it.]
[ His body stiffens at the mental touch, but he doesn't try to shrug it away, stops in his tracks before he gets started and goes silent again, frowning at the ground. ]
I know. I think this is one of those things I've gotta figure out for myself. [ There's finality to his words. Not out of pride or a need for self-flagellation (he would deny either, in any case). It's a fine line for him and Sam to walk - Sam telling Steve that he's both his own person and also the same as the man Sam met in another future.
The shield carries a war's worth of blood, on a battlefield he never stepped foot on. He doesn't measure up yet, but the decision's already been made that he has to try.
A glance at Sam, eyebrows knitting together. ] You know, I could show you where to go. [ Pass along the map if Sam needs to take some time before this visit. ]
I know. I think this is one of those things I've gotta figure out for myself. [ There's finality to his words. Not out of pride or a need for self-flagellation (he would deny either, in any case). It's a fine line for him and Sam to walk - Sam telling Steve that he's both his own person and also the same as the man Sam met in another future.
The shield carries a war's worth of blood, on a battlefield he never stepped foot on. He doesn't measure up yet, but the decision's already been made that he has to try.
A glance at Sam, eyebrows knitting together. ] You know, I could show you where to go. [ Pass along the map if Sam needs to take some time before this visit. ]
Yeah, I get that. But - I'm here, man, you know? Anytime.
[ It's... complicated, to say the least, being with Steve here and remembering his best friend back home and knowing they're two different people when so much of them is the same. Things get blurred, of course they do, no matter how much Sam tries.
He's just gotta keep doing his best, and that's easier when he doesn't think too much about it.
Sam pauses at Steve’s question, taking a moment to consider it, then shakes his head. ]
Nah. I don't think taking more time's gonna do me any good, anyway. And I don't really know if I wanna be alone for it.
[ It's... complicated, to say the least, being with Steve here and remembering his best friend back home and knowing they're two different people when so much of them is the same. Things get blurred, of course they do, no matter how much Sam tries.
He's just gotta keep doing his best, and that's easier when he doesn't think too much about it.
Sam pauses at Steve’s question, taking a moment to consider it, then shakes his head. ]
Nah. I don't think taking more time's gonna do me any good, anyway. And I don't really know if I wanna be alone for it.
( that sam doesn't try to say anything else is immensely relieving for damon — he doesn't have the ability yet to carry on a conversation and shield at the same time, especially with sam already so deep in his head. it's one or the other, and they're here for shielding lessons, so the choice is obvious.
now that damon's more calm, knows better what he's doing, sam only gets flickers. split-second images before damon can reinforce the fog and cover them back up, pictures of caroline and ric and bonnie that disappear almost before sam can make out what they are. it's becoming easier for damon to shore up his defenses, even when sam presses — at first they would flicker, the fog thinning dangerously, but the longer sam stays and the more he pushes, the better damon gets at covering up that which he doesn't want to share.
even as he's getting better, though, some things leak through, even without his noticing. the longer sam stays, the hungrier he starts to feel. it's easy enough to ignore, at first, but it gets more insistent the longer he stays entwined in damon's thoughts. it's a strange feeling, when he finally begins to pay attention to it — a mix between hunger and thirst, his stomach empty and cramping and his throat burning for lack of liquid. he'd do anything to sate the hunger, but he has to remain in control. he knows he does, but sometimes it's harder to remember — he's so hungry. he's starving.
was he hungry before they started this lesson? )
now that damon's more calm, knows better what he's doing, sam only gets flickers. split-second images before damon can reinforce the fog and cover them back up, pictures of caroline and ric and bonnie that disappear almost before sam can make out what they are. it's becoming easier for damon to shore up his defenses, even when sam presses — at first they would flicker, the fog thinning dangerously, but the longer sam stays and the more he pushes, the better damon gets at covering up that which he doesn't want to share.
even as he's getting better, though, some things leak through, even without his noticing. the longer sam stays, the hungrier he starts to feel. it's easy enough to ignore, at first, but it gets more insistent the longer he stays entwined in damon's thoughts. it's a strange feeling, when he finally begins to pay attention to it — a mix between hunger and thirst, his stomach empty and cramping and his throat burning for lack of liquid. he'd do anything to sate the hunger, but he has to remain in control. he knows he does, but sometimes it's harder to remember — he's so hungry. he's starving.
was he hungry before they started this lesson? )
( It's not that. I just figured we could both use some space for a while, and I don't like making people feel what I'm feeling if I can help it. )
[ Well. Most days Sam thinks pretty good of himself, too, even if there are still some off days, but that's not the point. The point is that Shiro thinks well of him. That a guy he cares about cares about him back.
Sometimes he's a little bit sappy.
He stays focused on Shiro as he keeps talking, breathing nice and even and letting it flow over their link to remind Shiro to do the same. Breathe, you're safe, I'm here even as he takes everything that Shiro's giving him and holds it tight, trying to take some of the weight, just a little.
When Shiro falters, Sam doesn't press right away. Instead there's the sensation of him squeezing Shiro's hands. ]
( Can you tell me five things you see in your room? )
Sometimes he's a little bit sappy.
He stays focused on Shiro as he keeps talking, breathing nice and even and letting it flow over their link to remind Shiro to do the same. Breathe, you're safe, I'm here even as he takes everything that Shiro's giving him and holds it tight, trying to take some of the weight, just a little.
When Shiro falters, Sam doesn't press right away. Instead there's the sensation of him squeezing Shiro's hands. ]
( Can you tell me five things you see in your room? )
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