Sam Wilson (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
sizeofyourbaggage) wrote2016-05-22 03:26 pm
sizeofyourbaggage) wrote2016-05-22 03:26 pm
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[ Breathe, just breathe. Shiro can do this, Sam knows it.
Sam believes in him, completely. Not exactly a pressure that he has to do it, just a faith that he can. Maybe not now, maybe not every time, because no one's perfect, but he can. ]
( There's always something. The sound of your breathing, the rustle of sheets as you move, the hum of machinery. But maybe that's part of the problem, maybe you need white noise or music. )
[ Or someone else with him, but while Sam'd be more than happy to offer, he doesn't want Shiro to take it the wrong way. ]
Sam believes in him, completely. Not exactly a pressure that he has to do it, just a faith that he can. Maybe not now, maybe not every time, because no one's perfect, but he can. ]
( There's always something. The sound of your breathing, the rustle of sheets as you move, the hum of machinery. But maybe that's part of the problem, maybe you need white noise or music. )
[ Or someone else with him, but while Sam'd be more than happy to offer, he doesn't want Shiro to take it the wrong way. ]
(Yeah... yeah, maybe. Noise -- ship engines before. City. Other people.)
[All things he'd heard. In the castle, or Concordia. Or before all of this even began. Back on Earth. There were always other people you could hear. It always made you feel less alone in the world. On the planet.]
[In the stars.]
(This... make me one of those people who sleep with the TV on?)
[All things he'd heard. In the castle, or Concordia. Or before all of this even began. Back on Earth. There were always other people you could hear. It always made you feel less alone in the world. On the planet.]
[In the stars.]
(This... make me one of those people who sleep with the TV on?)
( You sure as hell better not turn into a Husk, I can count on one hand the number of people I've got that I can trust here and I don't need to be down one of them. ) [ There's a pause, then he adds, ] ( But all right, noted. You can count on me for that, too. )
[ Friendship means promising to kill someone if they become something other than themselves and are a danger to everyone else around them, it seems, but Sam agrees to it with no hesitation. He and Shepard are too alike, there, practicality mixed with compassion, and his tone is nothing but fondness in return. ]
( You've always got me, Shepard. )
[ Friendship means promising to kill someone if they become something other than themselves and are a danger to everyone else around them, it seems, but Sam agrees to it with no hesitation. He and Shepard are too alike, there, practicality mixed with compassion, and his tone is nothing but fondness in return. ]
( You've always got me, Shepard. )
[ There's a low chuckle across the mental link, a hum of acknowledgement. The sounds of life, the reminder that you weren't alone. There'd been times when it made Sam feel more alone than ever, wondering what was wrong with him that he couldn't be part of it like he used to, but more often than not it'd been a comfort. ]
( Nothing wrong with that, sweetheart. I used to be one of them. ) [ There's the tiniest hesitation, then, ] ( These days I can't sleep if I'm alone. )
( Nothing wrong with that, sweetheart. I used to be one of them. ) [ There's the tiniest hesitation, then, ] ( These days I can't sleep if I'm alone. )
[ It really does. Honestly, Sam would want the same, if the situation were reversed, and he figures he can count on Shepard for that.
The fondness across their connection shifts, becomes a little bit playful, a little bit flirtatious. ]
( I do my best. Speaking of which - you hungry? I got a big batch of stew cooking up and no one to try it on. )
The fondness across their connection shifts, becomes a little bit playful, a little bit flirtatious. ]
( I do my best. Speaking of which - you hungry? I got a big batch of stew cooking up and no one to try it on. )
(Is that why you started rooming with Clint?)
[There's no jealousy there. No judgment. Just curiosity. Because part of him wants an affirmative, just to know he's really, honestly, not alone here. Not alone with this weird tic.]
[But... then again... didn't Lance always sleep with headphones on, in the Castle? Maybe he hadn't ever been the only one.]
[There's no jealousy there. No judgment. Just curiosity. Because part of him wants an affirmative, just to know he's really, honestly, not alone here. Not alone with this weird tic.]
[But... then again... didn't Lance always sleep with headphones on, in the Castle? Maybe he hadn't ever been the only one.]
( Like you have to ask. )
[Let it be known that even if nothing else existed between them, Sam has earned himself an eager audience for his cooking experiments... not to mention any other extracurricular experiments he might suggest.]
( I'll be right there. )
[Let it be known that even if nothing else existed between them, Sam has earned himself an eager audience for his cooking experiments... not to mention any other extracurricular experiments he might suggest.]
( I'll be right there. )
( That's why, yeah. Used to be I'd keep going until I was so tired I had no choice but to sleep, and I could hope I wouldn't dream that night. Then I learned better ways - did some deep breathing and progressive muscle relaxation before, practiced a set of grounding tools so much that it was habit when I woke up from one, had music playing. Talked about shit. I had a routine that was pretty damn adaptable. I'll get back to it, just... right now I feel better having someone watching my back. )
[ Something that started before coming to the Station, back in the Raft, but it's only been worse since arriving here.
And that's a little more than he's shared with anyone else - a lot more - but it's Shiro. Sam trusts him, and he wants Shiro to know that he's not alone. ]
[ Something that started before coming to the Station, back in the Raft, but it's only been worse since arriving here.
And that's a little more than he's shared with anyone else - a lot more - but it's Shiro. Sam trusts him, and he wants Shiro to know that he's not alone. ]
(Wow. No wonder you're always on my case about sleeping.)
[There's that flat humor again. He hadn't known. Maybe he'd have been able to listen better, to accept the advice better. There's a weird sense of guilt, flickering around his thoughts, even if he's not sure why exactly he feels it.]
(... do you need it to be the same person, always?)
[Maybe you can see where he's going here, Sam.]
[There's that flat humor again. He hadn't known. Maybe he'd have been able to listen better, to accept the advice better. There's a weird sense of guilt, flickering around his thoughts, even if he's not sure why exactly he feels it.]
(... do you need it to be the same person, always?)
[Maybe you can see where he's going here, Sam.]
( Sleep's important, man, everything's a million times harder when you're running on empty. And you're a million times crankier. )
[ He teases back, picking up on that humor with ease. It's something they both have in common, and it's easier than trying to figure out what that guilt he can feel is for, or even if it's Shiro's or his own. But he sobers a little at Shiro's question. ]
( No. But there ain't a lot of people here I trust like that. ) [ Four, pretty much, just Clint, Steve, Bucky, and Shiro himself. But Sam doesn't have to say that for the understanding of who they are to make it across their mental link, and he hopes he knows where Shiro'd been going with that. ] ( And I'd mean it in a different way, with you. )
[ He teases back, picking up on that humor with ease. It's something they both have in common, and it's easier than trying to figure out what that guilt he can feel is for, or even if it's Shiro's or his own. But he sobers a little at Shiro's question. ]
( No. But there ain't a lot of people here I trust like that. ) [ Four, pretty much, just Clint, Steve, Bucky, and Shiro himself. But Sam doesn't have to say that for the understanding of who they are to make it across their mental link, and he hopes he knows where Shiro'd been going with that. ] ( And I'd mean it in a different way, with you. )
(Yeah. I know. Or you just fall asleep wherever you sit down next.)
[Said from experience. Multiple experiences. But then they're moving on, changing topics slightly. Which is fine with him. Easier than getting too into certain issues. Or certain moments of falling asleep, or slipping out of time, mentally.]
(You'd trust me differently in your ... room... with you, at night?)
[There's a slip there, a mental image of more than just a room. A bed. The thought of room-bed-in-bed trailing through the words. He'd... been offering that. Both of those things. Combined together.]
[Said from experience. Multiple experiences. But then they're moving on, changing topics slightly. Which is fine with him. Easier than getting too into certain issues. Or certain moments of falling asleep, or slipping out of time, mentally.]
(You'd trust me differently in your ... room... with you, at night?)
[There's a slip there, a mental image of more than just a room. A bed. The thought of room-bed-in-bed trailing through the words. He'd... been offering that. Both of those things. Combined together.]
[ There's a brief, low chuckle - because yeah, Sam's had that experience, too. It's not a fun one, and it's another reason why Sam's been so invested in getting Shiro to sleep more. ]
( I'm saying sleeping with you'd mean something different to me than it does with Clint. I'd want something different. ) [ There's a pause, then, because he's learned to be as clear as possible with Shiro, he keeps going. ] ( Not necessarily sex, all right, I know we're taking this slow. But not just watching each other's backs so we can sleep better. )
[ Not that it's just that with Clint any more, either, considering how much he and Clint are in each other's heads, but it's still very different than how it'd be with Shiro. ]
( I'm saying sleeping with you'd mean something different to me than it does with Clint. I'd want something different. ) [ There's a pause, then, because he's learned to be as clear as possible with Shiro, he keeps going. ] ( Not necessarily sex, all right, I know we're taking this slow. But not just watching each other's backs so we can sleep better. )
[ Not that it's just that with Clint any more, either, considering how much he and Clint are in each other's heads, but it's still very different than how it'd be with Shiro. ]
[Hey, at least they can both relate to it. As unfortunate as it may be. It's not something he'd really wish on anyone.]
[It takes him a while to answer. If only because he's doing his best to figure out how to answer. What he wants to say. He's got to make this right, doesn't he? Say the right thing. Say it so what he actually means comes out, instead of anything else.]
(All right, so part of me is a little flattered, I'll admit, that when I ask about "something different" your first thought is... well. That.)
[Honesty and all.]
(Can I ask what you'd want? So I've got a better idea.) [He hesitates again, thinking his words through again.] (I guess I'm asking all this so we're on the same page if we do this.)
[He's got no frame of reference, honestly. Not for this. And that much is open to Sam. A blank space, filled up only with whatever the media wanted people to think of as "normal".]
[It takes him a while to answer. If only because he's doing his best to figure out how to answer. What he wants to say. He's got to make this right, doesn't he? Say the right thing. Say it so what he actually means comes out, instead of anything else.]
(All right, so part of me is a little flattered, I'll admit, that when I ask about "something different" your first thought is... well. That.)
[Honesty and all.]
(Can I ask what you'd want? So I've got a better idea.) [He hesitates again, thinking his words through again.] (I guess I'm asking all this so we're on the same page if we do this.)
[He's got no frame of reference, honestly. Not for this. And that much is open to Sam. A blank space, filled up only with whatever the media wanted people to think of as "normal".]
[ Her.
Sam doesn't have to get the full picture to get an idea of who Damon means - the girl that Sam's seen permeating throughout Damon's head, the one who fills his world. It pulls at something in Sam, because he knows something of how that feels when so much of you is wrapped up in someone else, in the sound of their laughter and the feeling that you can do anything with them by your side.
When you stop being able to find a reason, after they're gone. But somehow he doesn't think he has to tell Damon the danger of letting one person be your reason for something, and he understands what Damon actually says just as much.
You can live through pretty much anything if you stop thinking about it.
There's a hum of agreement tinged with a faint note of apology, and Sam files it away for later to ask if Damon actually does need to eat something. For the moment, he pulls his mind away, counts his breathing and curls his fingers around the challenge coin in his pocket, using his own distraction techniques as he reroutes his attention elsewhere.
He sinks down deeper, feeling along the roots of Damon's shields, and this time when he finds a bare spot buried somewhere deep in the back of Damon's mind - he doesn't so much press as seep in. ]
Sam doesn't have to get the full picture to get an idea of who Damon means - the girl that Sam's seen permeating throughout Damon's head, the one who fills his world. It pulls at something in Sam, because he knows something of how that feels when so much of you is wrapped up in someone else, in the sound of their laughter and the feeling that you can do anything with them by your side.
When you stop being able to find a reason, after they're gone. But somehow he doesn't think he has to tell Damon the danger of letting one person be your reason for something, and he understands what Damon actually says just as much.
You can live through pretty much anything if you stop thinking about it.
There's a hum of agreement tinged with a faint note of apology, and Sam files it away for later to ask if Damon actually does need to eat something. For the moment, he pulls his mind away, counts his breathing and curls his fingers around the challenge coin in his pocket, using his own distraction techniques as he reroutes his attention elsewhere.
He sinks down deeper, feeling along the roots of Damon's shields, and this time when he finds a bare spot buried somewhere deep in the back of Damon's mind - he doesn't so much press as seep in. ]
Edited 2017-04-10 03:50 (UTC)
[ There's a lot of somewhat unfortunate things that they can both relate to, it seems. It's not something that Sam'd wish on anyone, either, but he'd be lying if he said it wasn't something that'd drawn him to Shiro from the very beginning.
It still helps knowing you're not alone.
Sam's patient, especially after dropping something like that, and he waits, giving Shiro time to pull together his thoughts. Then there's the impression of a soft smile and a flare of warmth. ]
( You're an attractive guy, all right, and I'm pretty into you. )
[ But then it's Sam's turn to pause to think. For a moment he's stuck on the rush of affection for Shiro, on being able to do this with him - communicate so damn openly.
In the end, what he's thinking slips out before he can figure out how to put it to words. The impression of sharing a bed, legs tangled together and wrapped in each other's arms, waking up in the morning to trade sleepy kisses, falling asleep doing the same. ]
It still helps knowing you're not alone.
Sam's patient, especially after dropping something like that, and he waits, giving Shiro time to pull together his thoughts. Then there's the impression of a soft smile and a flare of warmth. ]
( You're an attractive guy, all right, and I'm pretty into you. )
[ But then it's Sam's turn to pause to think. For a moment he's stuck on the rush of affection for Shiro, on being able to do this with him - communicate so damn openly.
In the end, what he's thinking slips out before he can figure out how to put it to words. The impression of sharing a bed, legs tangled together and wrapped in each other's arms, waking up in the morning to trade sleepy kisses, falling asleep doing the same. ]
[ For a moment, Sam's quiet, a faint hum across their connection as he considers that. Nobody knows who they are at fourteen, and Sam can't imagine how much worse it'd be to try to figure out the shape of your own identity when you've got so many others pressing in at the back of your head. He might still be frustrated with her for the way their last talk ended, but he cares about her.
He wants to provide comfort to that question, but he'd also never lie to her. It's a hard balance. ]
( Yeah, at least for now. But this... this is a part of us, a part of who we are now. I don't think we're gonna be able to change that; I think all we can do is choose how we use it and hold on tight to what makes us who we are. And have other people who'll watch our backs. )
He wants to provide comfort to that question, but he'd also never lie to her. It's a hard balance. ]
( Yeah, at least for now. But this... this is a part of us, a part of who we are now. I don't think we're gonna be able to change that; I think all we can do is choose how we use it and hold on tight to what makes us who we are. And have other people who'll watch our backs. )
[Well suddenly it's a little warm in the room, and he's dragging his hands through his hair. At a loss for what to do with them. His face is bright red -- he doesn't need a mirror to know that. The whole flare of affection the warmth, all of it is a little overwhelming.]
[Maybe not entirely in a bad way, though.]
(Yeah I uh. I gathered that.)
[He gathered a lot of things, really. A lot of things... he more or less forgot existed. Breathe. Focus. Because no part of that impression is bad. Quite the opposite, really. It's so good it's hard to focus on entirely.]
[But nothing coming off him right now is negative. Maybe overwhelmed. Uncertain how to answer besides a yes.]
(I... really don't think I can say no, and still be honest with you.)
[Maybe not entirely in a bad way, though.]
(Yeah I uh. I gathered that.)
[He gathered a lot of things, really. A lot of things... he more or less forgot existed. Breathe. Focus. Because no part of that impression is bad. Quite the opposite, really. It's so good it's hard to focus on entirely.]
[But nothing coming off him right now is negative. Maybe overwhelmed. Uncertain how to answer besides a yes.]
(I... really don't think I can say no, and still be honest with you.)
[ It's Ilde he needed to reach out to first, but not long after the ship lands on the Waystation: ]
( - morning )
[ For someone just recovered from a deep sleep he doesn't sound all that groggy, having had a day to recover back on the Station. There's even a hint of wry humor that slips through, lacquered with apology. Beneath that is the faint touch of stale, cold sweat.
He doesn't remember falling asleep. ]
( - morning )
[ For someone just recovered from a deep sleep he doesn't sound all that groggy, having had a day to recover back on the Station. There's even a hint of wry humor that slips through, lacquered with apology. Beneath that is the faint touch of stale, cold sweat.
He doesn't remember falling asleep. ]
[ When Steve's mind brushes against his, there's a sensation like a sigh of relief, something clicking back into place. Flickers of emotion slip through - a jumble of worry, gratitude, affection, happiness - before he manages to wrangle his shields back into place. Though he maybe focuses on their connection a little more than he might've before, because damn it's good to feel that again. ]
( Sleep well? )
[ Underneath his words and a hint of wry humor in return, there's an unspoken question: where are you? mixed with can I come? ]
( Sleep well? )
[ Underneath his words and a hint of wry humor in return, there's an unspoken question: where are you? mixed with can I come? ]
[ The wave of Sam's initial reaction flows through him. More grounding than disorienting, warming him even after Sam's walls settle back into place - but like a stumbling drunk he brushes against them before pulling his own shields up. His ears prickle and he lets out a huff. ]
( Could've been worse. ) [ He doesn't think he'll be visiting the Nesting Deck any time soon though.
The wordless questions gets an answer in the form of images, flashes of the Avenue and an invitation to find him. ] ( I was gonna check on my stand. ) [ If he can't get his job back, at least he can get a corndog. His appetite is only now returning with the scent of roasting meat wafting out of various stalls down the Avenue. ]
( Could've been worse. ) [ He doesn't think he'll be visiting the Nesting Deck any time soon though.
The wordless questions gets an answer in the form of images, flashes of the Avenue and an invitation to find him. ] ( I was gonna check on my stand. ) [ If he can't get his job back, at least he can get a corndog. His appetite is only now returning with the scent of roasting meat wafting out of various stalls down the Avenue. ]
Edited 2017-04-13 11:00 (UTC)
( if damon weren't so distracted trying to his hunger behind the bounds of his shield, he might not have let sam through. if sam weren't helping to distract him with his challenge coin. if damon knew what stone sam was unturning. a lot of missed opportunities lead them to this moment.
this moment where sam finds a memory like a river rock, smooth and quiet and unassuming. it doesn't appear to be much of anything, at first. just a rock, with the initials D.S. and the number 1953 carved into it. but the rock turns into a wall turns into a room turns into a cell, and then there are footsteps.
Who's next? a voice says, and damon goes utterly still. it's a voice he hasn't even thought about in over a decade, but one which produces the same response no matter how many years have passed: he physically steps away from sam, unthinking, trying to make himself smaller and less noticeable. in the link, he goes still, utterly quiet, imagines a wall between himself and sam and the memory. it's instinctual, bred from five years of captivity and experiments, and at first damon can't even remember that he's half a century out of it. whitmore's voice is all that matters.)
this moment where sam finds a memory like a river rock, smooth and quiet and unassuming. it doesn't appear to be much of anything, at first. just a rock, with the initials D.S. and the number 1953 carved into it. but the rock turns into a wall turns into a room turns into a cell, and then there are footsteps.
Who's next? a voice says, and damon goes utterly still. it's a voice he hasn't even thought about in over a decade, but one which produces the same response no matter how many years have passed: he physically steps away from sam, unthinking, trying to make himself smaller and less noticeable. in the link, he goes still, utterly quiet, imagines a wall between himself and sam and the memory. it's instinctual, bred from five years of captivity and experiments, and at first damon can't even remember that he's half a century out of it. whitmore's voice is all that matters.)
[Like he said, after he mentally hangs up, he's going looking for Sam. Maybe it's selfish to ask for this, face to face. But if they can get some distance from the others, where he doesn't have to worry about overwhelming someone else -- like the new arrivals -- this will be easier, won't it?]
[Where are you, Sam Wilson?]
[Where are you, Sam Wilson?]
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