[Like he said, after he mentally hangs up, he's going looking for Sam. Maybe it's selfish to ask for this, face to face. But if they can get some distance from the others, where he doesn't have to worry about overwhelming someone else -- like the new arrivals -- this will be easier, won't it?]
[ It'd surprised him a little, the effect of what he'd said. He thought Shiro might be upset by him pointing it out, sure, maybe a little guilty, but he hadn't anything that severe.
So of course he agrees when Shiro requests to meet in person, sending the knowledge of the back alley where he's hanging out across their mental link. Then he waits, until he spots Shiro heading over and pushes himself away from the wall he'd been leaning against. ]
[This is where usually there'd be a lot more affection and a lot more physical contact. But there isn't. He's holding himself back. Purposefully. His mental presence nothing more than the swirl of stars he pulls up to keep everyone else out.]
[Hands shoved in his pockets.]
I'm sorry. [The stars part, briefly, like curtains made of nebulae, enough to show the honesty of the words.] I know that's not going to fix anything, but I needed to say it.
[ That's... oh. Okay. Sam's going to try not to read anything into the fact that Shiro's purposefully keeping his distance both physically and mentally, because he isn't sure what his reasoning is. For the moment he follows Shiro's lead, pulling his own walls up and hooking his thumbs through his belt. ]
[He shakes his head, before pushing his hands through his hair. He expected more of an offensive, more of an accusation than that. He was ready for it -- and maybe he deserved it.]
[A deep breath.]
I did what I thought I should. For the good of the mission -- for everyone else. And... didn't think.
I'm so used to that. And I know I need to stop... try to. I'm sorry I didn't catch myself in time. Or bring it up to the people who matter.
[He looks right at Sam, then. Letting the implication settle.]
[ Shiro's not the only one who expected more accusation than that. Sam's not a stranger to fighting with people - there's no way he could be, especially not here with Katie and Bucky and Parker in his brood - and he's used to people getting defensive at him. He's used to having to be the one to weigh if it's worth reacting and getting ramped up of if he needs to be the one to try to calm them both down. ]
Thank you. For the apology. I, uh. I'm not really used to getting that when I'm a little pissed off, you know?
[ He isn't used to people treating him like his feelings are things that are valid, he means, not recently anyway. He doesn't exactly mean for that to come across, but it does anyway.
And when Shiro looks up at him, lets the implication that Sam is someone who matters to him sit there - Sam can't help but reach out, moving to try to rest his hand on Shiro's cheek. ]
But I need you to know - I'm not mad at you for messing up. You're human, Shiro, you're allowed to make mistakes.
[He means that. Entirely. Sam is important to him, he's a good guy. Why shouldn't people apologize when things go wrong? Admit they've done something wrong? It made communicating easier, didn't it? And... Sam was one of the people in his life so far who deserved decent communication.]
[But, by the same token...]
[He doesn't pull away when Sam reaches for him. His own expression softens, before he bows his head, slightly.]
And I guess I'm not really used to having that kind of leeway.
[ It's his first instinct to deflect, to huff a little laugh and murmur tell that to my brood. He doesn't, because he's better at not deflecting with Shiro, but it makes it across their link anyway. ]
There's not a lot of people here who're good at communication like that.
[ He pushes his hand upwards, tangling gently in Shiro's hair as he steps even closer, inviting Shiro to rest his head on his shoulder. ]
I know. But here - you don't have to lead anything if you don't want to, and you don't have to do it alone. If you screw up, it's okay. We'll fix it.
[His response is immediate. That he will tell them. Though Pidge's face, set in a stubborn scowl, is prominent enough to be a warning. But the offer to try is there, for Sam. For Sam, he'd try.]
Then... we all should try harder, huh?
[There isn't judgment in the question. More curiosity. More resignation. For a bunch of people tangled up in each others' heads, they're all pretty crap at talking, aren't they?]
[He swallows, briefly, before stepping forward. Though he doesn't take the offer just yet. The better to keep eye contact, for now.]
So how do we fix this? [Us? And fix what I did wrong here?] I don't want you to think you're not important to me. I never meant to make you feel that way. And I'm sorry.
[ The offer itself means a hell of a lot to Sam, even if he's reluctant to take Shiro up on it. Sam's got little desire to talk to Parker at all, and Bucky - well, Bucky's complicated. And sure, Shiro knows Pidge better than Sam does, but it still feels like asking someone else to deal with his problems for him. When it comes to in general, though... ]
Yeah, I think we should. I've been thinking - well, I'll talk to you about it later, after mission stuff.
[ The frustration and hurt that Sam'd felt when he found out that Shiro'd signed up to participate in an arena that he knew nothing about, when he knew he was gonna insist on going along on any kind of heist they might plan - it's faded. Even if it hadn't, well. There's no denying the way Sam melts a little when Shiro says he's important to him.
It still makes the mission more complicated, but Shiro knows that already. There's no need to remind him. ]
There's nothing to fix with you and me, sweetheart, cause nothing was ever broken. We're both gonna mess up sometimes, but an apology goes a hell of a long way. If you say you're gonna try, I believe you. [ Because Shiro is important to Sam, too, but Shiro already knows that. As for the mission... ]
I already asked Katie if she'd hack into the chips if I got her access to them, to spoof their tracking signal so they can't figure out your location.
[Even if, as he says it, he knows Sam is sure. But there's still a difference, to him, between saying these things aloud, and knowing them in their heads. It feels more real.]
[Part of him -- more than part. Most of him is held tense, uncertain, after he speaks. Looking at Sam with a lot of hesitant expectation. Wondering what the answer will be. Hoping there's a positive chance. That this isn't something that will wreck them. This isn't something he can't fix.]
[Because he is sorry. He does want to be better. He just wants to know there's a chance.]
[And when it comes, he feels his eyes shut. Feels his chest, wound tight and too heavy, loosen. Lighten. Now he takes the offer of the shoulder. Now he can't keep the walls up so firmly, so tightly. He leans forward with relief, hands on Sam's shoulders in return.]
Guess I thought... guess I have the habit of jumping to worst case scenario. [It's depreciating. Even as the relief and affection flood along, undeniable.] Thinking I've gone too far is... I don't want that to happen.
Not with you.
I'm sorry I still... I'm still like that. Like this.
[ Sam shrugs one shoulder; he isn't sure of anything, really, not when it comes to his brood. But he does know that he doesn't want Parker talking to him, and that he doesn't want Shiro to have to mediate between him and Katie.
And he and Bucky might fight more than anyone else in the Nest, but they do it well. Their connection is probably the strongest.
Besides, this is more important than whether or not those in his brood - or the rest of the Nest - are willing to listen to him and treat him fairly.
As far as Sam's concerned, there's not much that could ever wreck them so bad that it can't be fixed, and definitely not anything Shiro'd ever do. ]
Really, you do? [ His tone is light, though, and he runs his hand through Shiro's hair again. ] I knew that when we started this thing, it's nothing you gotta apologize for. I knew it wasn't something that was gonna shift overnight - and it's not like I'm perfect, you know, I got stuff I have a hard time talking to you about, too.
[There's a lot of regret in those three words. A lot of apology. He's started to be more aware of it, as time's gone on. He's tried to be, anyway.]
[And he's always going to worry about this. About them. About what they've become. And keeping it in one piece. Yeah, he knows it can't be perfect, they can't be perfect. Even so, it's almost a constant concern, on top of everything else.]
I'll listen. You know that, right? If you ever decide you need to. And...
[ He doesn't know how to reply to that. He knows Shiro will listen, it's just... he doesn't want Shiro to think differently of him, at the same time as he doesn't want Shiro to not think differently of him. The concern that it'll be dismissed, even if Shiro means well in treating it like it isn't a big deal - because it's a big deal to Sam. That makes its way across their connection in a jumbled up mess, but so is the acknowledgement that he will one day soon. He has to.
Sam focuses instead on Shiro's last comment, shaking his head as he cups Shiro's face in his hands, leaning in until they're only a few inches away. ]
I want us to be better at communicating during stuff like this, and I want you to remember that you got someone at your back and you don't have to figure any of this out alone. I want us to support each other, on mission and off. I don't want you to think you gotta be better to be with me, because you don't. All you gotta do is be here.
[And he probably would. Out of a desire to try and help. To try and make it seem like something less painful. Like how Sam made his problems, his broken brain, seem like something not as bad as it always has been. So maybe it's a good thing, for now.]
[But he has to offer. He cares too much not to. Loves too much not to.]
[He lets his head fall forward, to rest his head against Sam's.]
It's... like a new team, huh? Have to adjust to bonding to you. [That's a weak sort of joke. But under it is acceptance. That he's going to try. He's going to try harder. Because Sam deserves nothing less.]
[ For now, it’s a good thing. Until Sam can get a better handle on it himself, and figure out how to explain what it means to him and why - until he can reconcile having to explain it with not wanting to hide it from Shiro any more.
But for right now, all that matters is moving forward with the mission, and reminding them both that they’re here.
He grins a little at that joke, a hint of something sly and playful trickling across their mental link as he goes along with it. ]
I think we’re making pretty good progress on the bonding front.
[ He tips his head, just a little, to kiss him, soft and sweet. ]
[He'll take it. He'll move on, as long as Sam is okay with doing it. As long as there's an understanding, and an effort to try -- as long as Sam knows he's working on it. As long as he doesn't stand to lose someone else.]
[As long as Sam doesn't lose someone else.]
Good to hear. Because I... I think I really want to make things work. Long as we can.
[Oh, well that's. That's nice. And also reassuring, and he closes his eyes for a moment into it.]
[ Long as we can. There's something bittersweet there, about the reminder that all of this is temporary. That one day they'll find a way home - hell, Sam's been helping Katie look - and Shiro will go, because they need him. Because his sense of duty and his devotion to his team, to the people he's promised to protect, is stronger than anything else.
Somehow that always seems to be the kind of person that Sam's drawn to.
But it'd be too soon to think of anything like forever with them, anyway, and it's not like Sam didn't know that going into this. It's not like he wasn't already prepared to enjoy this as much as he could while they had it.
There's a part of him that's always aware that one day they'll have to say goodbye, but that doesn't make him want this any less right now.
Right now he leans in to kiss Shiro again, then laces their fingers together and tugs on his hand. ]
Come on, we got a mission to take care of. And I'm expecting some celebratory making out.
[He'll go. Because they need him. Because staying away feels like a disservice. Even if he's here for them, doing this for them. Because they're family. Just as much as...]
[... as much as Sam is.]
[And for a second, it all hurts almost too much to focus on. Taken from one family, given another, in a cycle he doesn't think he could possibly break. There's nothing to be done for it, is there? No way to keep this. Any more than there was a way to keep the team.]
[Any more than there was a way to keep his Commander and friend together, either.]
[He swallows, thickly, and when he returns the kiss a little more urgently than necessary. Like this is all going to be swept away again when they're least expecting it, when they're not looking. His hand gripping tighter.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
sizeofyourbaggage) wrote2016-05-22 03:26 pm
YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS
[Where are you, Sam Wilson?]
no subject
So of course he agrees when Shiro requests to meet in person, sending the knowledge of the back alley where he's hanging out across their mental link. Then he waits, until he spots Shiro heading over and pushes himself away from the wall he'd been leaning against. ]
Hey.
no subject
[This is where usually there'd be a lot more affection and a lot more physical contact. But there isn't. He's holding himself back. Purposefully. His mental presence nothing more than the swirl of stars he pulls up to keep everyone else out.]
[Hands shoved in his pockets.]
I'm sorry. [The stars part, briefly, like curtains made of nebulae, enough to show the honesty of the words.] I know that's not going to fix anything, but I needed to say it.
no subject
Depends on what you're apologizing for.
no subject
[He shakes his head, before pushing his hands through his hair. He expected more of an offensive, more of an accusation than that. He was ready for it -- and maybe he deserved it.]
[A deep breath.]
I did what I thought I should. For the good of the mission -- for everyone else. And... didn't think.
I'm so used to that. And I know I need to stop... try to. I'm sorry I didn't catch myself in time. Or bring it up to the people who matter.
[He looks right at Sam, then. Letting the implication settle.]
I screwed up.
no subject
Thank you. For the apology. I, uh. I'm not really used to getting that when I'm a little pissed off, you know?
[ He isn't used to people treating him like his feelings are things that are valid, he means, not recently anyway. He doesn't exactly mean for that to come across, but it does anyway.
And when Shiro looks up at him, lets the implication that Sam is someone who matters to him sit there - Sam can't help but reach out, moving to try to rest his hand on Shiro's cheek. ]
But I need you to know - I'm not mad at you for messing up. You're human, Shiro, you're allowed to make mistakes.
no subject
[He means that. Entirely. Sam is important to him, he's a good guy. Why shouldn't people apologize when things go wrong? Admit they've done something wrong? It made communicating easier, didn't it? And... Sam was one of the people in his life so far who deserved decent communication.]
[But, by the same token...]
[He doesn't pull away when Sam reaches for him. His own expression softens, before he bows his head, slightly.]
And I guess I'm not really used to having that kind of leeway.
no subject
There's not a lot of people here who're good at communication like that.
[ He pushes his hand upwards, tangling gently in Shiro's hair as he steps even closer, inviting Shiro to rest his head on his shoulder. ]
I know. But here - you don't have to lead anything if you don't want to, and you don't have to do it alone. If you screw up, it's okay. We'll fix it.
no subject
Then... we all should try harder, huh?
[There isn't judgment in the question. More curiosity. More resignation. For a bunch of people tangled up in each others' heads, they're all pretty crap at talking, aren't they?]
[He swallows, briefly, before stepping forward. Though he doesn't take the offer just yet. The better to keep eye contact, for now.]
So how do we fix this? [Us? And fix what I did wrong here?] I don't want you to think you're not important to me. I never meant to make you feel that way. And I'm sorry.
no subject
Yeah, I think we should. I've been thinking - well, I'll talk to you about it later, after mission stuff.
[ The frustration and hurt that Sam'd felt when he found out that Shiro'd signed up to participate in an arena that he knew nothing about, when he knew he was gonna insist on going along on any kind of heist they might plan - it's faded. Even if it hadn't, well. There's no denying the way Sam melts a little when Shiro says he's important to him.
It still makes the mission more complicated, but Shiro knows that already. There's no need to remind him. ]
There's nothing to fix with you and me, sweetheart, cause nothing was ever broken. We're both gonna mess up sometimes, but an apology goes a hell of a long way. If you say you're gonna try, I believe you. [ Because Shiro is important to Sam, too, but Shiro already knows that. As for the mission... ]
I already asked Katie if she'd hack into the chips if I got her access to them, to spoof their tracking signal so they can't figure out your location.
no subject
[Even if, as he says it, he knows Sam is sure. But there's still a difference, to him, between saying these things aloud, and knowing them in their heads. It feels more real.]
[Part of him -- more than part. Most of him is held tense, uncertain, after he speaks. Looking at Sam with a lot of hesitant expectation. Wondering what the answer will be. Hoping there's a positive chance. That this isn't something that will wreck them. This isn't something he can't fix.]
[Because he is sorry. He does want to be better. He just wants to know there's a chance.]
[And when it comes, he feels his eyes shut. Feels his chest, wound tight and too heavy, loosen. Lighten. Now he takes the offer of the shoulder. Now he can't keep the walls up so firmly, so tightly. He leans forward with relief, hands on Sam's shoulders in return.]
Guess I thought... guess I have the habit of jumping to worst case scenario. [It's depreciating. Even as the relief and affection flood along, undeniable.] Thinking I've gone too far is... I don't want that to happen.
Not with you.
I'm sorry I still... I'm still like that. Like this.
no subject
And he and Bucky might fight more than anyone else in the Nest, but they do it well. Their connection is probably the strongest.
Besides, this is more important than whether or not those in his brood - or the rest of the Nest - are willing to listen to him and treat him fairly.
As far as Sam's concerned, there's not much that could ever wreck them so bad that it can't be fixed, and definitely not anything Shiro'd ever do. ]
Really, you do? [ His tone is light, though, and he runs his hand through Shiro's hair again. ] I knew that when we started this thing, it's nothing you gotta apologize for. I knew it wasn't something that was gonna shift overnight - and it's not like I'm perfect, you know, I got stuff I have a hard time talking to you about, too.
no subject
[There's a lot of regret in those three words. A lot of apology. He's started to be more aware of it, as time's gone on. He's tried to be, anyway.]
[And he's always going to worry about this. About them. About what they've become. And keeping it in one piece. Yeah, he knows it can't be perfect, they can't be perfect. Even so, it's almost a constant concern, on top of everything else.]
I'll listen. You know that, right? If you ever decide you need to. And...
I want to be better. I've always wanted that.
no subject
Sam focuses instead on Shiro's last comment, shaking his head as he cups Shiro's face in his hands, leaning in until they're only a few inches away. ]
I want us to be better at communicating during stuff like this, and I want you to remember that you got someone at your back and you don't have to figure any of this out alone. I want us to support each other, on mission and off. I don't want you to think you gotta be better to be with me, because you don't. All you gotta do is be here.
no subject
[But he has to offer. He cares too much not to. Loves too much not to.]
[He lets his head fall forward, to rest his head against Sam's.]
It's... like a new team, huh? Have to adjust to bonding to you. [That's a weak sort of joke. But under it is acceptance. That he's going to try. He's going to try harder. Because Sam deserves nothing less.]
We're a team. Of course I'm here.
no subject
But for right now, all that matters is moving forward with the mission, and reminding them both that they’re here.
He grins a little at that joke, a hint of something sly and playful trickling across their mental link as he goes along with it. ]
I think we’re making pretty good progress on the bonding front.
[ He tips his head, just a little, to kiss him, soft and sweet. ]
Then we got nothing to worry about.
no subject
[As long as Sam doesn't lose someone else.]
Good to hear. Because I... I think I really want to make things work. Long as we can.
[Oh, well that's. That's nice. And also reassuring, and he closes his eyes for a moment into it.]
All right then.
no subject
Somehow that always seems to be the kind of person that Sam's drawn to.
But it'd be too soon to think of anything like forever with them, anyway, and it's not like Sam didn't know that going into this. It's not like he wasn't already prepared to enjoy this as much as he could while they had it.
There's a part of him that's always aware that one day they'll have to say goodbye, but that doesn't make him want this any less right now.
Right now he leans in to kiss Shiro again, then laces their fingers together and tugs on his hand. ]
Come on, we got a mission to take care of. And I'm expecting some celebratory making out.
no subject
[... as much as Sam is.]
[And for a second, it all hurts almost too much to focus on. Taken from one family, given another, in a cycle he doesn't think he could possibly break. There's nothing to be done for it, is there? No way to keep this. Any more than there was a way to keep the team.]
[Any more than there was a way to keep his Commander and friend together, either.]
[He swallows, thickly, and when he returns the kiss a little more urgently than necessary. Like this is all going to be swept away again when they're least expecting it, when they're not looking. His hand gripping tighter.]
Yeah. We do.
[Don't they?]