[ If there's anything she can do to take the edge off, she will. Gladly. It's like being on a rollercoaster from hell and some days she can't imagine living the rest of her life this way. How have Damon and Stefan managed all these years? But that's not important right now. ]
(The night I-- The night I died, I had to make a choice. Damon or Stefan. We thought they were dying and I couldn't reach them both. I chose Stefan. But I've regretted it. Even when I was making it, I didn't want to.)
[ And it's not just because that choice led to her death, though anyone who knew the entire story might jump to that conclusion. Yes, choosing Stefan had led to them going across the bridge that night, right into Rebekah's path, but that doesn't matter nearly as much as she would have thought it might. ]
[ He lets their connection open up a little wider, giving her a place to bleed off some of those emotions if she needs to. It's not his usual approach - but it's not the first time he's done it, either, and he trusts Elena. She deserves a space to be herself, to get a little peace of mind.
Elena is not the girl she was when she made that choice, before she died - and she won't ever be that girl again. This kind of shit changes you, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. ]
(You can't unmake the one you made then, but that don't mean you can't wanna make a different one now.) [ There's a soft hum to his side of the mental link, considering. ] (What made you not want to, even back then?)
[ She's clinging too tightly to her emotions for them to bleed over to the Sam yet, everything pulled in close while she struggles and fails to sort through it all effectively. But as the seconds pass by, more of it will begin to slip away from her grasp. ]
(I didn't want him to be alone. I didn't want him to die alone. He didn't deserve that.)
[ It hurts so much to think about those moments, to remember how she'd forced herself to make the right decision, that sharp ache in her chest as she realized what it would mean for him. ]
[ It's all right - Sam's a patient guy. He's not gonna try to pry them from her, cause she's got a right to her feelings as much as she damn well wants, but he'll be here when it starts getting to be too much.
I didn't want him to die alone.
Speaking of emotions - there's something fiercely protective from Sam's side of the mental connection, an ache in his chest that's almost a dull echo of hers at the idea of Damon dying at all, let alone by himself. ]
(No, he doesn't. But he doesn't deserve a lot of things that he thinks he does.) [ To be hated, to be forever seen as the bad brother, as a monster - to not be loved by the people he loves most. Sam knows Damon, even if he also knows that Damon doesn't like that idea, and he deserves so much more. ] (It's okay if you don't got an answer - but why did you chose Stefan?)
[ The question catches her off guard, though it shouldn't have. It's the question she needs to answer most, the one she's been avoiding thinking of - which means it's one of the most important that Sam could have posed. For a moment, it's hard to breathe, her chest so tight that it hurts, and it will be clear to Sam from the ebbing tide of emotion within her that she's trying. And then-- ]
(I love him. I was in a relationship with him, I thought it was what I should do. )
[ But that's too simple an answer, and it doesn't even begin to encompass all the reasons she'd made that choice. ]
(Going back to Stefan meant going back to my friends, too. To Caroline, my best friend, and to Tyler. Matt was driving, I couldn't not give him the chance to say goodbye to them too.)
[ What kind of person would she have been if she'd kept him from that, when he hadn't gotten to say goodbye to Vicki when she died? But even that isn't all, and tears sting her eyes and bite into her heart as she struggles with the next, an image of herself rising to the surface of her mind. Her but not, a ghost who haunted them all in flesh and bone. ]
(I couldn't be like Katherine.)
[ And emotionally she begins to crumble, that desperate need eating away at her. To not be like that horrible woman with her face, the woman both brothers had loved, who had used them and who had caused Damon so much pain. She couldn't be like that. ]
[ Sam's never met Katherine, and everything he knows of her has been through Damon or Elena - but he's confident in his statement. As far as he's concerned, he knows more than enough of her and Elena to be completely certain that she could never be what Katherine was.
Elena cares. About everyone, maybe too much - but Sam can't fault that. That's his downfall, too, and he's already noticed that there's a lot of ways that he and Elena are very similar.
He doesn't think Katherine ever cared about anything but her own needs, her own wants. ]
(You can tell me if I'm off base or if I'm overstepping - but it sounds like you did what you thought was best for everyone else. Stefan was the choice you should have made, and you needed to say goodbye to your best friends and give them the chance to say goodbye to each other. And there's nothing wrong with that, you know, it's probably what I would've done, too.)
[ He rolls out of his cot as he's talking, murmuring to the figure sleeping next to him that he'll be right back, as he makes his way to where Elena's very much not sleeping. ]
(Scoot over, huh? I got a question for you, but it's probably one better said face to face.)
[ And better said if Sam's able to pull her into his arms and give her a hug. ]
[ It doesn't matter how many times someone assures her that she's nothing like Katherine, that fear always seems to settle back in her heart, eating away at her more now than it ever had before. She hopes that Sam's right, though. She hopes for that with all her heart.
She can feel him moving closer as she processes his words, tries to internalize his acceptance and rationalization of her decision. His permission for it to be okay, because she hadn't done anything wrong in making that choice. She doesn't say anything as she moves over to give him room, not hesitating in the slightest or feeling at all strange about this closeness; it's just how they are, how Sam is with the people he cares about, and she appreciates that anyone would want to be close to her with what she is. ]
(You can ask anything.)
[ And he can, she realizes, and she'll answer him. Because she trusts him. Because it's Sam. ]
[ It'll probably always be there. That kind of fear is something that sticks with you, and the best you can do is be able to accept that it's not true, and remind yourself of that whenever it comes cropping up again. ]
(I know what it's like, to look in the mirror and see only the worst thing you could ever be.)
[ To compare yourself to the person you used to be and the one you think you should and find yourself coming up wanting, yeah, he knows that. And there's nothing he or anyone else can do about that, not really - it's gotta come from within Elena herself.
All he can do is slide into the cot next to her, slide his arm around her shoulders and pull her in close. All he can do is care about her, and keep being there when she finds herself doubting herself. It helps, that she doesn't hesitate, that he's able to just be like this with her.
He'd answer anything she asked, too. ]
(If all of that was gone, if there was nothing else but you and Damon, what would you want to do?)
[ Maybe one day she'll talk with him about that. Ask him how he dealt with it, how she can try to move past that fear enough that it won't have such a vice-like grip on her soul. But that's for later, because right now she moves into that embrace and finds comfort in it while his question threatens to shred her heart into pieces. ]
(I... If I was still human, I don't know what I would want.)
[ It makes a difference, regardless of whether any of them like it. Her future was different as a human, her options in life were different, the way people thought of her... Those tears come back to blur her vision, burning hot as they escape down her cheeks, and she can't hide anything from him. ]
(But I'm not human anymore, and I-- I want to be with him. Because I know Stefan won't love me like this, he'll want to change me, and Damon doesn't. He accepts me and-- and I--)
[ She can't say it. Can't admit it to Sam or herself yet, but deep down she knows. Knows that it's there, that Sam can feel it as it permeates the churning ocean of her thoughts, that single emotion coloring absolutely everything in her. Whether it's the right choice or not doesn't matter. It is and there's no going back from it. ]
[ He'll tell her, one day - more than one day, because it's not the kind of thing that's a one and done, but that's for later.
For now his arm tightens around her, shifting a little so he can settle her more against him - so his shoulder or chest is readily available to cry into, if she wants. He's not afraid of a little tears.
It does make a difference. There've been so many futures that Sam saw for himself, bright and promising or bleak and distant, every one of them lost when his circumstances changed irrevocably. When he stopped being the man who looked forward to them.
It makes a difference, but it's also nothing that they can change. Elena says it better than he could; she's not human anymore. ]
(You don't gotta say it if you're not ready. I know.) [ Oh, he sure as hell knows. He'd felt it from damn near the first day he met her, and he feels it now stronger than ever. Not mention he's pretty sure he'd know anyway, considering the way they act around each other.
It's a simple fact of life; the sun rises and sets, the stars gleam at night, flowers bloom in spring, and Elena loves Damon. ]
(Elena, you deserve to have someone who's gonna love you for who you are right now, because I gotta tell you - who you are is pretty damn amazing. You both deserve to get something you want, to finally be happy.)
[ Who you are is pretty damn amazing. Sam's words are crushingly heavy, settling on her with enough weight to shatter. But it's not her that they're breaking, but the pain that's built up around her heart and started sinking into her soul. Cracks are forming in that wall of suffering and it's such blessed relief that she can't do anything except wrap her hands in his shirt and hide her face against his shoulder.
If they weren't surrounded by their sleeping Nestmates, if she didn't have to worry about certain people noticing, she would let go and give in to the need for a good cleansing cry. As it is, she holds back, tears leaking out but none of the gasping sobs she knows wait just below the surface. Those will come later. ]
(What if he doesn't agree? Sam, what if he doesn't want this?)
[ Damon never lets himself be happy. He fights the good things in his life, sabotages everything that seems to be working in his favor. What if he decides for himself that this isn't a good idea and doesn't listen to anyone who argues against that decision? ]
[ Sam strokes his hand through her hair, just letting her cry. It's not quite the good, long, hard cry that he kind of figures she needs, but it's something. And Sam meant it, he meant all of it. Elena is amazing, just as she is.
Anyone who can't see that is an idiot.
He wishes he could say that won't happen - but no, that sounds exactly like Damon. Not him not wanting it, of course, but that he doesn't deserve to be happy. Hell, even that he doesn't know what to do with it when he gets it, that he sabotages it. ]
(Then we bug the hell out of him until we can knock some sense into him. We both know he loves you, and I know he wants this - and he's got two people who're willing to fight for his happiness. Even if that means we gotta fight him about it, sometimes.)
[ Reaching up to wipe at her eyes, Elena settles a little more comfortably so she's able to look at Sam through the darkness. He may not be able to see her expression to see the proof of it there, but he'll be able to feel the surge of affection through their link. Affection for him. ]
(Sometimes I used to feel like I was the only one who would fight for it. I'm so glad he has you here, Sam.)
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sizeofyourbaggage) wrote2016-05-22 03:26 pm
no subject
( The night I-- The night I died, I had to make a choice. Damon or Stefan. We thought they were dying and I couldn't reach them both. I chose Stefan. But I've regretted it. Even when I was making it, I didn't want to. )
[ And it's not just because that choice led to her death, though anyone who knew the entire story might jump to that conclusion. Yes, choosing Stefan had led to them going across the bridge that night, right into Rebekah's path, but that doesn't matter nearly as much as she would have thought it might. ]
no subject
Elena is not the girl she was when she made that choice, before she died - and she won't ever be that girl again. This kind of shit changes you, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. ]
( You can't unmake the one you made then, but that don't mean you can't wanna make a different one now. ) [ There's a soft hum to his side of the mental link, considering. ] ( What made you not want to, even back then? )
no subject
( I didn't want him to be alone. I didn't want him to die alone. He didn't deserve that. )
[ It hurts so much to think about those moments, to remember how she'd forced herself to make the right decision, that sharp ache in her chest as she realized what it would mean for him. ]
no subject
I didn't want him to die alone.
Speaking of emotions - there's something fiercely protective from Sam's side of the mental connection, an ache in his chest that's almost a dull echo of hers at the idea of Damon dying at all, let alone by himself. ]
( No, he doesn't. But he doesn't deserve a lot of things that he thinks he does. ) [ To be hated, to be forever seen as the bad brother, as a monster - to not be loved by the people he loves most. Sam knows Damon, even if he also knows that Damon doesn't like that idea, and he deserves so much more. ] ( It's okay if you don't got an answer - but why did you chose Stefan? )
no subject
( I love him. I was in a relationship with him, I thought it was what I should do. )
[ But that's too simple an answer, and it doesn't even begin to encompass all the reasons she'd made that choice. ]
( Going back to Stefan meant going back to my friends, too. To Caroline, my best friend, and to Tyler. Matt was driving, I couldn't not give him the chance to say goodbye to them too. )
[ What kind of person would she have been if she'd kept him from that, when he hadn't gotten to say goodbye to Vicki when she died? But even that isn't all, and tears sting her eyes and bite into her heart as she struggles with the next, an image of herself rising to the surface of her mind. Her but not, a ghost who haunted them all in flesh and bone. ]
( I couldn't be like Katherine. )
[ And emotionally she begins to crumble, that desperate need eating away at her. To not be like that horrible woman with her face, the woman both brothers had loved, who had used them and who had caused Damon so much pain. She couldn't be like that. ]
( I can't be like her. It isn't fair. )
no subject
[ Sam's never met Katherine, and everything he knows of her has been through Damon or Elena - but he's confident in his statement. As far as he's concerned, he knows more than enough of her and Elena to be completely certain that she could never be what Katherine was.
Elena cares. About everyone, maybe too much - but Sam can't fault that. That's his downfall, too, and he's already noticed that there's a lot of ways that he and Elena are very similar.
He doesn't think Katherine ever cared about anything but her own needs, her own wants. ]
( You can tell me if I'm off base or if I'm overstepping - but it sounds like you did what you thought was best for everyone else. Stefan was the choice you should have made, and you needed to say goodbye to your best friends and give them the chance to say goodbye to each other. And there's nothing wrong with that, you know, it's probably what I would've done, too. )
[ He rolls out of his cot as he's talking, murmuring to the figure sleeping next to him that he'll be right back, as he makes his way to where Elena's very much not sleeping. ]
( Scoot over, huh? I got a question for you, but it's probably one better said face to face. )
[ And better said if Sam's able to pull her into his arms and give her a hug. ]
no subject
She can feel him moving closer as she processes his words, tries to internalize his acceptance and rationalization of her decision. His permission for it to be okay, because she hadn't done anything wrong in making that choice. She doesn't say anything as she moves over to give him room, not hesitating in the slightest or feeling at all strange about this closeness; it's just how they are, how Sam is with the people he cares about, and she appreciates that anyone would want to be close to her with what she is. ]
( You can ask anything. )
[ And he can, she realizes, and she'll answer him. Because she trusts him. Because it's Sam. ]
no subject
( I know what it's like, to look in the mirror and see only the worst thing you could ever be. )
[ To compare yourself to the person you used to be and the one you think you should and find yourself coming up wanting, yeah, he knows that. And there's nothing he or anyone else can do about that, not really - it's gotta come from within Elena herself.
All he can do is slide into the cot next to her, slide his arm around her shoulders and pull her in close. All he can do is care about her, and keep being there when she finds herself doubting herself. It helps, that she doesn't hesitate, that he's able to just be like this with her.
He'd answer anything she asked, too. ]
( If all of that was gone, if there was nothing else but you and Damon, what would you want to do? )
no subject
( I... If I was still human, I don't know what I would want. )
[ It makes a difference, regardless of whether any of them like it. Her future was different as a human, her options in life were different, the way people thought of her... Those tears come back to blur her vision, burning hot as they escape down her cheeks, and she can't hide anything from him. ]
( But I'm not human anymore, and I-- I want to be with him. Because I know Stefan won't love me like this, he'll want to change me, and Damon doesn't. He accepts me and-- and I-- )
[ She can't say it. Can't admit it to Sam or herself yet, but deep down she knows. Knows that it's there, that Sam can feel it as it permeates the churning ocean of her thoughts, that single emotion coloring absolutely everything in her. Whether it's the right choice or not doesn't matter. It is and there's no going back from it. ]
no subject
For now his arm tightens around her, shifting a little so he can settle her more against him - so his shoulder or chest is readily available to cry into, if she wants. He's not afraid of a little tears.
It does make a difference. There've been so many futures that Sam saw for himself, bright and promising or bleak and distant, every one of them lost when his circumstances changed irrevocably. When he stopped being the man who looked forward to them.
It makes a difference, but it's also nothing that they can change. Elena says it better than he could; she's not human anymore. ]
( You don't gotta say it if you're not ready. I know. ) [ Oh, he sure as hell knows. He'd felt it from damn near the first day he met her, and he feels it now stronger than ever. Not mention he's pretty sure he'd know anyway, considering the way they act around each other.
It's a simple fact of life; the sun rises and sets, the stars gleam at night, flowers bloom in spring, and Elena loves Damon. ]
( Elena, you deserve to have someone who's gonna love you for who you are right now, because I gotta tell you - who you are is pretty damn amazing. You both deserve to get something you want, to finally be happy. )
no subject
If they weren't surrounded by their sleeping Nestmates, if she didn't have to worry about certain people noticing, she would let go and give in to the need for a good cleansing cry. As it is, she holds back, tears leaking out but none of the gasping sobs she knows wait just below the surface. Those will come later. ]
( What if he doesn't agree? Sam, what if he doesn't want this? )
[ Damon never lets himself be happy. He fights the good things in his life, sabotages everything that seems to be working in his favor. What if he decides for himself that this isn't a good idea and doesn't listen to anyone who argues against that decision? ]
no subject
Anyone who can't see that is an idiot.
He wishes he could say that won't happen - but no, that sounds exactly like Damon. Not him not wanting it, of course, but that he doesn't deserve to be happy. Hell, even that he doesn't know what to do with it when he gets it, that he sabotages it. ]
( Then we bug the hell out of him until we can knock some sense into him. We both know he loves you, and I know he wants this - and he's got two people who're willing to fight for his happiness. Even if that means we gotta fight him about it, sometimes. )
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( Sometimes I used to feel like I was the only one who would fight for it. I'm so glad he has you here, Sam. )