[ There's a sharp sense of something that's almost like pain, when Bucky pulls his mind away so quickly, and there's a moment where Sam's disoriented.
Then he groans, leaning back and letting his head knock against the wall a little too hard. It's kind of too late now, he wants to say, because he's already chained to the Soldier and he's got no intention of changing that - they're already in too deep with their brood bond to separate, but he's got no intention of changing that, either.
But he doesn't say anything about it, because he kind of thinks pointing it out right now might just make Bucky dig his heels in more about this.
And it hurts to feel the way Bucky's barbed wire and sharp ice is back. Sam kicks out, bumping the toe of his foot into Bucky's ankle and not being all that gentle about it. ]
Fuck you too, Barnes. You don't get to tell me what I want and who I choose. [ His mind curls around Bucky's with a brush of feathers - not trying to enter, just tugging a little. ] Come back here. I'll knock it off with that kind of talk, all right.
You don't want that. [Bucky snipes back, sending half a glare back at Sam. He doesn't care if it pisses Sam off. Protecting Sam comes first and caring about his feelings comes second.
And yet there's no way to hide the way his voice twists at the end of his reply, the way it implies 'you don't want me.' Because Bucky has too much baggage, too many complications, and hell if he's going to let Sam tie himself down to someone who could wake up one day and kill him.
Bucky would never forgive himself.
He doesn't want Sam to change. He doesn't want Sam to mind what he says. He wants Sam to be Sam.
Just not attached to a dangerous, malfunctioning weapon that seems to only get more unpredictable every day.
His walls stay right where they are, breathing frost and edges sharpening with each passing moment. Get out. You don't need to tangle with this mess.]
[ Sam raises an eyebrow, refusing to back down. Yeah, he heard that, and he knows exactly what Bucky meant there. ]
I want you. I'm gonna be real clear about this, okay, I want you. Right now, even like this, even when we piss each other off and fight, I want you. I want all of you, I want everything you've got, and I'm not gonna stop.
[ His tone is too sharp, maybe, too intense - he means it too much, part of him thinks, when he knows he'll take Bucky anyway he can get him as long as they're together. He'll never stop believing that they're stronger together than they could ever be alone, that he's a better man because he knows Bucky.
That his world no longer seems as bright, no longer quite makes sense without him.
So he exhales, lets his edges soften a little, curls a hand around Bucky's knee. ]
I'm not gonna stop, Bucky. If you really didn't want me, I'd - deal with it, somehow, but I'm not gonna stop wanting you just because you get all protective and try to save me from myself.
[Bucky gets up before he can let himself take comfort in Sam's touch, in his words, in everything Sam promises that he doesn't deserve. Sam doesn't seem to understand that: at the end of the day it doesn't matter what Sam thinks he wants or desires, it's what Bucky doesn't deserve. And he sure as hell doesn't deserve this, any of it. He's angry, but doesn't know why. His legs are shaking under him, but he chalks it up to weakness, to how goddamn long it's taking to get over the moss.
Because none of this matters. The Soldier- the programming- will come and keep coming until there's nothing left but blood and Bucky can't let that happen. He doesn't care if that means he has to go it alone, but he sure as hell can't take Sam down with him.
He's more than angry, he realizes. He's pissed. He's pissed that he can't make sense of all of this, that he can't put into words how he feels, that he can't get Sam to just go away when it would be better for him to dodge this goddamn bullet. ]
I love you.
[His head is spinning. The world is spinning and he's sagging back down to the floor.]
[ When Bucky gets up, Sam doesn't fight him on it, though he watches him closely. He's honestly not sure how much of Bucky's unsteadiness right now is because of the intensity of their emotions and the fact that he doesn't know what to do with any of them and how much is lingering effects of the poison, but he's not taking any chances.
Bucky's angry, more than enough for Sam to feel the echo of it burning in his veins, even with Bucky pulling away.
He wants to fight, wants to argue with Bucky again about what he deserves, but he keeps that back. Sam knows, he knows, knows that it was gonna be a least a few years working on it for Bucky to accept that maybe he deserves something good in his life, too.
It gets easier to remind himself of that when Bucky finally tells him that he loves him, finally puts words to the feelings, and it makes Sam's breath catch for a moment. ]
I love you, too, and apparently we're gonna get pissed and yell at each other about it instead of me kissing the hell out of you.
[ Because he wants to, he wants to so damn bad, but Bucky's sagging back down and looking lost. Sam wants to pull him into his arms and he wants to shove him in equal measures and he wants -
He shakes his head. ]
It doesn't change anything just because I said it and made it real, Bucky. We're still gonna use the words, we're still gonna work on control. We have a plan and it's gonna work, because this? It makes us stronger, not weaker.
[Bucky's half-leaning against the cot before his knees buckle the rest of the way down and he's left sitting on the floor, sweating for some reason he can't figure out. He feels terrible all over, despite finally being able to put words to the gut-deep feelings he's been carrying around since the Waypoint. His breathing comes in slow, labored heaves of his lungs. Must be the after effects of the poison and he's far too riled up for his own good. He thinks he might pass out if he tries standing again, so he doesn't.
He wants to tell Sam that he doesn't understand that they might never be rid of the Soldier, but Sam knows that. Or that he might not ever be a whole person again, but Sam knows that too. Sam knows almost everything there is to know about him and still chooses Bucky.
Against all reason. Sam chooses Bucky.]
You don't know that. [That things won't change, that the programming might not warp something amazing into the death of the both of them.]
[ Always. Bucky'd promised him that before, and Sam feels the same way - always, he'll always choose Bucky.
Tracking him down, stopping the Soldier, strengthening their brood bond, fighting the programming - seeking his opinions, needing his support, wanting to be with him, loving him. Bucky knows who he is, everything that comes with him, even the sharper edges and the darker shit that leads to pettiness and anger and resentment and violence.
Does he know for sure that using the words is gonna work, that it'll put them a step ahead of the programming and give them more solid ground to stand on? No, of course not, and he doesn't try to hide that from Bucky.
But he has faith in them. They've never been defeated by the programming, not really. Temporarily had to retreat and come back at a different angle, sure, but they always come out stronger. He knows that Bucky's probably always gonna have some reasons that he thinks he should go, but they'll have a hell of a lot more reasons that he needs to stay.
He slides down to sit on the floor next to Bucky, a solid line of warmth pressed against him. ]
I know you just said that you love me, and I'm pretty sure what that means speaks for itself. [ Sam leans in to kiss him, sweet and soft that ends in a desperate intensity and a hint of teeth before he pulls back. ] I love you, Bucky. There's nothing stronger than the two of us together.
[Nothing about this is a sure thing. Not the words. Not their decision to leave Hyrypia. Except- Except Sam. Sam is the only sure thing in Bucky's life. Sam will come back after everything, after Bucky runs or eats poisonous moss or whatever the programming has cooking for them. He can feel a similar sentiment over the broodlink: Sam's faith in them and in what they have.
When Sam slides down next to him, Bucky shifts to lean against him and, when Sam presses his lips against his, meets them, albeit without the extra note of intensity. He's exhausted. Emotions are not his forte and the lingering weakness of the poison has yet to leave his system.
He just doesn't have that same level of confidence in himself, in the shaky construction of himself that gets torn to pieces every time the Soldier comes to life. One day, he might simply not come back.
But Sam loves him all the same.
He gingerly reaches up to run his hand along Sam's jaw. Yeah. He knows. He knows and no amount of shouting and kicking will change that.]
[ It's life. Nothing's ever gonna be a sure thing, not really, but this? What they've got right now, it's probably one of the closest things they're gonna get to it.
Sam believes in Bucky. In his ability to not just survive, but thrive, and to keep coming back. And if one day he doesn't, well.
It's just more reason to love him as much as he can right now, to enjoy every moment they've got left. It's not an unfamiliar concept for Sam, considering he knows Shiro is going back to his planet one day, but that - that's more immediate, more inevitable.
They can fight the programming. Bucky's stronger every day, and Sam knows it's gonna take years and years, but he wants to be there for the ride. Every last minute of it, so neither of them ever has to do this alone.
He smiles a little at Bucky's hand on his jaw, tilting his head into the touch. ]
You said it. [ He opens his mind again, another gentle tug on their brood bond. ] (Come back?)
[Never in a million years would Bucky expect to be sitting here, sharing a mindspace with Sam Wilson, in love- he would've thought it entirely impossible. A weapon isn't capable of such things and, hell, even as Bucky he wasn't capable of such things a year and a half, two years ago.
But here he is. Here they are: an experiment somehow gone right on a strange, alien world with parasites in their brains.
Yet, Bucky doesn't want to change any of it, doesn't want them to be separated, if at all possible. So they will stay together in the conclusion to this mission. Makes sense.
He treads carefully back into Sam's head, bringing brushes of pine and cedar instead of cold acid. Sam always seems to remind him that there's more to want, there's more to him.]
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sizeofyourbaggage) wrote2016-05-22 03:26 pm
no subject
Then he groans, leaning back and letting his head knock against the wall a little too hard. It's kind of too late now, he wants to say, because he's already chained to the Soldier and he's got no intention of changing that - they're already in too deep with their brood bond to separate, but he's got no intention of changing that, either.
But he doesn't say anything about it, because he kind of thinks pointing it out right now might just make Bucky dig his heels in more about this.
And it hurts to feel the way Bucky's barbed wire and sharp ice is back. Sam kicks out, bumping the toe of his foot into Bucky's ankle and not being all that gentle about it. ]
Fuck you too, Barnes. You don't get to tell me what I want and who I choose. [ His mind curls around Bucky's with a brush of feathers - not trying to enter, just tugging a little. ] Come back here. I'll knock it off with that kind of talk, all right.
no subject
And yet there's no way to hide the way his voice twists at the end of his reply, the way it implies 'you don't want me.' Because Bucky has too much baggage, too many complications, and hell if he's going to let Sam tie himself down to someone who could wake up one day and kill him.
Bucky would never forgive himself.
He doesn't want Sam to change. He doesn't want Sam to mind what he says. He wants Sam to be Sam.
Just not attached to a dangerous, malfunctioning weapon that seems to only get more unpredictable every day.
His walls stay right where they are, breathing frost and edges sharpening with each passing moment. Get out. You don't need to tangle with this mess.]
no subject
I want you. I'm gonna be real clear about this, okay, I want you. Right now, even like this, even when we piss each other off and fight, I want you. I want all of you, I want everything you've got, and I'm not gonna stop.
[ His tone is too sharp, maybe, too intense - he means it too much, part of him thinks, when he knows he'll take Bucky anyway he can get him as long as they're together. He'll never stop believing that they're stronger together than they could ever be alone, that he's a better man because he knows Bucky.
That his world no longer seems as bright, no longer quite makes sense without him.
So he exhales, lets his edges soften a little, curls a hand around Bucky's knee. ]
I'm not gonna stop, Bucky. If you really didn't want me, I'd - deal with it, somehow, but I'm not gonna stop wanting you just because you get all protective and try to save me from myself.
no subject
Because none of this matters. The Soldier- the programming- will come and keep coming until there's nothing left but blood and Bucky can't let that happen. He doesn't care if that means he has to go it alone, but he sure as hell can't take Sam down with him.
He's more than angry, he realizes. He's pissed. He's pissed that he can't make sense of all of this, that he can't put into words how he feels, that he can't get Sam to just go away when it would be better for him to dodge this goddamn bullet. ]
I love you.
[His head is spinning. The world is spinning and he's sagging back down to the floor.]
You can't do this.
no subject
Bucky's angry, more than enough for Sam to feel the echo of it burning in his veins, even with Bucky pulling away.
He wants to fight, wants to argue with Bucky again about what he deserves, but he keeps that back. Sam knows, he knows, knows that it was gonna be a least a few years working on it for Bucky to accept that maybe he deserves something good in his life, too.
It gets easier to remind himself of that when Bucky finally tells him that he loves him, finally puts words to the feelings, and it makes Sam's breath catch for a moment. ]
I love you, too, and apparently we're gonna get pissed and yell at each other about it instead of me kissing the hell out of you.
[ Because he wants to, he wants to so damn bad, but Bucky's sagging back down and looking lost. Sam wants to pull him into his arms and he wants to shove him in equal measures and he wants -
He shakes his head. ]
It doesn't change anything just because I said it and made it real, Bucky. We're still gonna use the words, we're still gonna work on control. We have a plan and it's gonna work, because this? It makes us stronger, not weaker.
no subject
He wants to tell Sam that he doesn't understand that they might never be rid of the Soldier, but Sam knows that. Or that he might not ever be a whole person again, but Sam knows that too. Sam knows almost everything there is to know about him and still chooses Bucky.
Against all reason. Sam chooses Bucky.]
You don't know that. [That things won't change, that the programming might not warp something amazing into the death of the both of them.]
no subject
Tracking him down, stopping the Soldier, strengthening their brood bond, fighting the programming - seeking his opinions, needing his support, wanting to be with him, loving him. Bucky knows who he is, everything that comes with him, even the sharper edges and the darker shit that leads to pettiness and anger and resentment and violence.
Does he know for sure that using the words is gonna work, that it'll put them a step ahead of the programming and give them more solid ground to stand on? No, of course not, and he doesn't try to hide that from Bucky.
But he has faith in them. They've never been defeated by the programming, not really. Temporarily had to retreat and come back at a different angle, sure, but they always come out stronger. He knows that Bucky's probably always gonna have some reasons that he thinks he should go, but they'll have a hell of a lot more reasons that he needs to stay.
He slides down to sit on the floor next to Bucky, a solid line of warmth pressed against him. ]
I know you just said that you love me, and I'm pretty sure what that means speaks for itself. [ Sam leans in to kiss him, sweet and soft that ends in a desperate intensity and a hint of teeth before he pulls back. ] I love you, Bucky. There's nothing stronger than the two of us together.
no subject
When Sam slides down next to him, Bucky shifts to lean against him and, when Sam presses his lips against his, meets them, albeit without the extra note of intensity. He's exhausted. Emotions are not his forte and the lingering weakness of the poison has yet to leave his system.
He just doesn't have that same level of confidence in himself, in the shaky construction of himself that gets torn to pieces every time the Soldier comes to life. One day, he might simply not come back.
But Sam loves him all the same.
He gingerly reaches up to run his hand along Sam's jaw. Yeah. He knows. He knows and no amount of shouting and kicking will change that.]
no subject
Sam believes in Bucky. In his ability to not just survive, but thrive, and to keep coming back. And if one day he doesn't, well.
It's just more reason to love him as much as he can right now, to enjoy every moment they've got left. It's not an unfamiliar concept for Sam, considering he knows Shiro is going back to his planet one day, but that - that's more immediate, more inevitable.
They can fight the programming. Bucky's stronger every day, and Sam knows it's gonna take years and years, but he wants to be there for the ride. Every last minute of it, so neither of them ever has to do this alone.
He smiles a little at Bucky's hand on his jaw, tilting his head into the touch. ]
You said it. [ He opens his mind again, another gentle tug on their brood bond. ] ( Come back? )
no subject
But here he is. Here they are: an experiment somehow gone right on a strange, alien world with parasites in their brains.
Yet, Bucky doesn't want to change any of it, doesn't want them to be separated, if at all possible. So they will stay together in the conclusion to this mission. Makes sense.
He treads carefully back into Sam's head, bringing brushes of pine and cedar instead of cold acid. Sam always seems to remind him that there's more to want, there's more to him.]