[Bucky folds himself into Sam's mind. It's easier than ever for him to find the forested path connecting them and the summery land of Sam's mind space. He's not sure where to even start in regards to the announcement. The most logical choice is to return to the Station; Bucky is of limited use in his current state and he needs some good rest away from the others. However, there's a certain measure of pride mixed in with his concern about the programming's potential response to a withdrawal.
[ Sam's mind brightens when Bucky slips in - he's still not sure if it's a subconscious reaction to Bucky's presence or Bucky himself bringing something in that makes Sam feel more whole. Maybe both, but it doesn't really matter. ]
Hey, sunshine.
[ He exhales, long and slow. There's turmoil of his own over this choice, his need not to leave anyone behind and his urge to protect people warring with the desire to be off this planet and the feeling that he'd be a hell of a lot more useful somewhere else - but he holds back most of it, as much as possible, anyway.
The next question he asks without words, without really even thoughts. It's always been easier for them to communicate this kind of thing in emotions and impressions, for Sam to pick up on the things that Bucky can't let himself say or even really think.
[Honestly, Bucky wants to not be on this mission any more. The cramped quarters and constant need for a disguise had already worn him thin, but now matters have gotten much, much worse. The Soldier was let loose in camp, he nearly killed a nestmate, failed to save an ally- it's all too much. He doesn't want to leave Sam here, though, and he knows that Sam is a natural leader to the Nest.
Bucky would never forgive himself if he left now and Sam were stranded permanently on Hyrypia.
On the station, there would be room and time to heal away from all of the pressure and fellow Hosts, but Bucky's not sure if the programming will respond well to withdrawing. Hell, he doesn't know what will trigger it anymore; it seems to be more and more unstable as time passes. Whether from the symbiote or not, something is causing a disruption.
So, what he wants is complicated and he's not particularly set on any of the three options: both leave, both stay, or separate.]
[ Sam's quiet for a long moment, just getting a feel for where Bucky's at with all of this. And it's - similar to where Sam's own thoughts are, honestly, and he doesn't think that's just because of their bond.
But there is one thing he knows without a doubt. ]
I'm not looking to be anywhere without you. [ It's not necessarily that he'll follow Bucky whatever he chooses, or that he wants Bucky to follow him no matter what - it's that it's gonna be both of them making the decision, as far as he's concerned. ] Whatever we do, we'll do it together.
[ He shifts a little, until they're pressed closer together, Sam's shoulder against his good one. ]
I think we've completed our part in this mission, and it might be time to let it move on to the next phase and have people with a different skillset take over. I think the new Hosts coming into the Station could use someone to make sure they're prepared for this kind of shit, to help them get used to things and make sure they know they have a choice. I think -
[ He exhales, long and sharp, a heavy burst of air as he looks back over. ] I think we could use a goddamn break, Bucky, I think I want to be off this planet.
[At least they agree on that matter; Bucky didn't want to be separated either right now. On the practical side, Bucky's not back on his feet yet and Sam's one of the limited number he trusts not to kick him while he's down. On the emotional side, he's not ready to be separated from Sam ever, really. Sam is his foundation, his rock to build from in times like these.
One option can be crossed off the list, so he mentally does so. Two left. That should make deciding easier. Sam at his side will always make things easier, but his broodmate has always seemed to have a penchant for helping him reason through the difficult stuff.]
Yeah. Me too.
[He was ready to be done a long time ago. Hell, he was ready to be done before they departed, when hushed conversations in the dark left a sour taste in his mouth, when they reminded him too much of HYDRA. Now, he's had more than enough of all the sneaking around and Nestmates gone AWOL or dead to satisfy a lifetime.]
Real question is: can we live with it?
[The decision to leave, he means. He doesn't mean to start placing blame or guilt on anyone, but if something were to happen, he knows both of them will feel responsible for the outcome. There's no stopping it.]
[ Bucky is one of the very few people Sam trusts completely, too, and Sam doesn't really trust a whole lot of people not to hurt Bucky, either. They're better together than apart for a number of reasons, and only part of that is because Sam's too damn in love with him to want to be separated.
It might be a really big part, but still.
It feels good, talking this over with Bucky. They ask each other the hard questions, they're realistic and emotional all at the same time, and Sam appreciates it more than he can say. ]
I don't know.
[ Sam doesn't bother pretending like everything's going to be fine, like there's no real danger and neither of them will feel guilty if something bad happens. He's optimistic, sentimental, but he's also practical, and he's never tried to bullshit or candy coat things with Bucky. ]
We're gonna be split either way. Down here - maybe we could've helped, but maybe we'll be getting in the way, staying past our usefulness. Up there? Maybe we can do some good for a change. I learned a long time ago that I'm gonna go crazy if I put everything on my shoulders, if I take everything personal and make it all my responsibility. Don't always remember that, but maybe now's a good time to practice. Maybe we can help remind each other of that. And anyway, if -
[ He pauses, biting the corner of his lip. He's said before that Bucky's more important than any mission, but - he means it, more than before. Bucky's happiness, his mental and physical well being, is gonna come first. ]
If it's you or a mission it's always gonna be you. That's a choice I'm happy to live with.
[And Bucky is continually glad that Sam will give him honest answers. There's no reason to sugar coat something like this. He hums in response. Not knowing is part of the problem with any situation like this. However, it's simply impossible to know everything, particularly now.
He sighs again, heavy. He doesn't usually get to make his own decisions, much less with this amount of freedom. His heart burns uneasily in chest- perhaps just a lingering pain from the poison. There's almost too much freedom now. He can't seem to bring himself to make a decision.
Luckily, he doesn't have to choose between Sam and the mission, only his location, but still, he can't seem to decide.]
[ Sam takes Bucky's hand, lacing their fingers together absently before he lifts it to press a kiss to the back of Bucky's knuckles.
It... kind of feels good, in a maybe messed up way, that they only thing either of them really know is how important they are to each other. Everything else they can figure out together. ]
Whatever choice we make - we gotta say the words, take the next step to getting one over on the programming. It can't do that to us again.
[ He doesn't just mean the poisoning - well, mostly he means the poisoning, because nothing's scared him like finding Bucky like that in a very long time. But he also means everything about the night they tried to save Keya, the way it whispered in Sam's mind as it bulldozed through Bucky's and they'd been too fragmented to fight it. ]
[Bucky, too, finds a strange sort of gratitude in knowing where both of their priorities lie. Dedication to the mission comes second and that means a whole hell of a lot to guy who was a slave to objectives for decades. The mention of the words is met with a nod. The programming has become increasingly erratic as Sam's influence has usurped its deepest roots in Bucky's head and while none of its pushes for punishment or attempts to spread into another mind surprise him, they do upset him.]
You heard it?
[The screaming, the sirens, clanging metal- the alarming dyn that clamors around in Bucky's head all the time. He doesn't want it to infect others through the Symbiote to others like a disease.]
[ It means more than Sam ever thought possible. He'd always hoped that maybe he'd be able to help Bucky figure out how to live without the mission, how to put himself or something else first.
He never figured that something would be him, or that he'd love it.
I hear you more, and I like it, comes to Sam's mind, but that's not what Bucky asked, and it feels too much like hedging around the subject. ]
Yeah. It was... I wasn't at my best that night. It was able to sink in a little, push me past when I should have stopped. But it's just me, I think it's just because we're - [ He pauses, shrugs a little. ] Honestly, I think it knows we're a threat.
[At first, Bucky thinks to say that he wasn't asking if Sam heard him more, but Sam beats him to the punch. He sits back to let Sam speak and, honestly, that makes a lot more sense than Bucky expected. The programming and the Soldier are, by and large, their own creatures. Yes, they do make up a part of Bucky, but he can't seem to remember what he does when they activate anymore.
It's almost like Jekyll and Hyde.
The words are a necessary, a leash that should have been placed a long time ago.
[ If anyone else can probably attest to that, it's Sam. He can't say what it was like before they got here, before the symbiote, but he knows what it's like now. He's felt Bucky's mind and he's felt the Soldier's, and while he knows Bucky is still in there, it's - it's different, the programming tries to shred everything.
He squeezes Bucky's hand. ]
I don't think it's a bad thing. We are a threat, we've already ripped up its hold and knocked it off balance. We can do it more.
[ But he picked up that feeling about leashing, and he shifts a little. ] It's gonna tie us even more together, you know. You can still back out, we can figure out another way to use them. Come up with a script or something.
[Another nod and Bucky bites his lip. There's a certain advantage to being known as a threat. It means the programming may slip further as it attempts to undermine Sam's presence. The only real problem is that, well, it takes place in Bucky's head, rather than in a physical space. There's inherent risk in tinkering with anything that might bring out the Soldier.]
Don't want to. [Back out. He's wanted Sam to use the words for a while now, to get better control over the Soldier at whatever cost. Bucky's not confident in a script, considering how long it took HYDRA to make one in conjunction with the chair.]
[ There's a certain protective, challenging part of Sam that still thinks good, that the programming should be afraid of them. It can try as much as it wants to, but it's never gonna get rid of Sam.
Except that Bucky is the one that suffers when it happens, so he doesn't want to push too much.
But this, this is good, and when Bucky says he doesn't want to back out, Sam nods. Neither of them are the people they used to be before the Nest, or else he knows damn well this decision wouldn't even be on the table, but Sam doesn't think twice about signing up to end up in deeper. ]
For better or worse, huh? [ He means to make it light, for all that he'd thought he was never even gonna joke about that because of what it'd mean, but they're in his head. There's no hiding that he's serious. ] I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with you, Bucky. If you'll let me.
[Sam's response earns an immediate sense of what the hell? from Bucky. He... never really thought of long-term, never thought of himself as a long-term person. He's a weapon, malfunctioning left and right, and- he just never seemed to put to thought that Sam might stay long term.
That he might want to.
Bucky finds himself at a loss of words, at a loss of feelings. That's a hell of a statement to make. The rest of his life. Not the rest of Bucky's, which Bucky assumes is down to the last couple years at most, but Sam's.
He doesn't know what the say.]
You don't want that. [He blurts out, his words tangled in his mouth, not sure how to express any of the many thoughts racing by
You don't want to spend your life chained to a time bomb. I'm not worth getting the Soldier as well. What the hell are you thinking?]
[ Bucky's reaction isn't exactly surprising. Sam knows that Bucky doesn't consider himself really worthy of anything, let alone someone wanting to spend the rest of their life with him. There's something about it that twists painfully in Sam's chest, but mostly - Sam gets it. Bucky and everything that comes with him is a lot. Sam's not gonna try to pretend like it isn't, like it might not be more than enough for someone to bow out of anything like a relationship.
But Sam'd thought that about himself, too, back when he was going to the VA and once he became an Avenger. Neither of them have the kind of lives that a civilian could cope with or even understand, especially now. ]
Good thing I'm planning on living a long time, cause I figure it's gonna take me at least a few years to get you used to the idea.
[ Sam doesn't know what he's thinking. Shit like this, it doesn't come from thinking, it comes from feeling. That, that Sam knows. And it's hard to put into words, but it's - for Bucky, he wants to try. Even if he could probably get the same idea over without saying anything. Or maybe especially because of that. ]
The Soldier's already mine. That's not new, sunshine, even back on on our world I chose to sign up for it, and I'd make the same choice now. From the day the Soldier crashed into my life, I've been there to try to stop or try to help, and I always will. I'm always gonna be tied to the Soldier, and I don't regret it. I'm not gonna regret doing this.
[ Yeah, good job, Wilson. This is a great proposal, this'll definitely prove that he wants to spend the rest of his life with him. He lets out a huff of air, his wings flicking out briefly before settling over both of their shoulders. ]
I love you. I want you, and it's not despite of everything that comes with that. You and me, we know each other better than anyone, and you're worth every minute of it. That's what I want to spend the rest of my life doing, making you happy and trying to show that you're worth all this and figuring this out together.
[ But it's more than that, it's - Sam knows the exact moment that he realized he was in love with Bucky. When they lost Steve, and they fought over who the hell knows what and Sam'd been so damn scared he was gonna lose him. Loving him had been so gradual, he hadn't thought - but he does now, he knows when he was really in too deep. ]
You gave me a coin. Even before all this, before us, when you were still dealing with all of the shit in your head alone - you noticed. That I used my coin, that I might need one even though I gave it to you. You know how many people who don't have half the shit going on that you do would've thought of that? [ His wings twitch briefly, another reflection of his emotions, before smoothing out again as he shoots Bucky a smile. ] And you haven't seen the way you looked smiling at Buchanan and Thomas, back when they were chicks on Waypoint.
[Bucky doesn't realize it's a proposal until near the end, until Sam himself starts thinking it's a proposal and Bucky can't stop himself from wanting to immediately back away. His first impulse is to shirk the idea of chaining Sam to him and the Soldier, no matter what Sam says or wants or feels. It's entirely irresponsible to think of keeping him and the Soldier alive that long, much less nurtured and-
What Bucky deserves and what Sam wants for him are worlds apart and he... he can't have this. He loves Sam. He loves Sam so goddamn much and he knows that with every inch of his being, but he can't doom Sam to a life of misery and destruction. It doesn't matter what he wants. He can't be selfish. Being selfish leads only to-
His stomach drops and he's not sure if it's a residual symptom of the poisoning or a stir of fear in his gut.
Bucky pulls back mentally, out of their shared mindspace, and makes to physically move, but his legs are half asleep from sitting next to the commode for so long, his limbs still weak from his near-fatal dose of poisonous moss. The urge to run itches under his skin. He can't- he won't let Sam do this to himself: point a loaded gun at his heart and wait for it to discharge.
There's so much he wants to say. You've got the wrong guy. What the hell are you thinking? This is suicide. Or maybe something that will drive a wedge, something to push Sam to a better option. I don't feel the same way. Lie. But he can't lie.
His mind, now quite empty and desolate, screams of isolation. Unlike when he needs space, when he leaves a constant link open, a hint of foliage spread along the icy tundra, his barbed wire fences are up, frosted over with jagged spikes of ice. He means to punish.]
[ There's a sharp sense of something that's almost like pain, when Bucky pulls his mind away so quickly, and there's a moment where Sam's disoriented.
Then he groans, leaning back and letting his head knock against the wall a little too hard. It's kind of too late now, he wants to say, because he's already chained to the Soldier and he's got no intention of changing that - they're already in too deep with their brood bond to separate, but he's got no intention of changing that, either.
But he doesn't say anything about it, because he kind of thinks pointing it out right now might just make Bucky dig his heels in more about this.
And it hurts to feel the way Bucky's barbed wire and sharp ice is back. Sam kicks out, bumping the toe of his foot into Bucky's ankle and not being all that gentle about it. ]
Fuck you too, Barnes. You don't get to tell me what I want and who I choose. [ His mind curls around Bucky's with a brush of feathers - not trying to enter, just tugging a little. ] Come back here. I'll knock it off with that kind of talk, all right.
You don't want that. [Bucky snipes back, sending half a glare back at Sam. He doesn't care if it pisses Sam off. Protecting Sam comes first and caring about his feelings comes second.
And yet there's no way to hide the way his voice twists at the end of his reply, the way it implies 'you don't want me.' Because Bucky has too much baggage, too many complications, and hell if he's going to let Sam tie himself down to someone who could wake up one day and kill him.
Bucky would never forgive himself.
He doesn't want Sam to change. He doesn't want Sam to mind what he says. He wants Sam to be Sam.
Just not attached to a dangerous, malfunctioning weapon that seems to only get more unpredictable every day.
His walls stay right where they are, breathing frost and edges sharpening with each passing moment. Get out. You don't need to tangle with this mess.]
[ Sam raises an eyebrow, refusing to back down. Yeah, he heard that, and he knows exactly what Bucky meant there. ]
I want you. I'm gonna be real clear about this, okay, I want you. Right now, even like this, even when we piss each other off and fight, I want you. I want all of you, I want everything you've got, and I'm not gonna stop.
[ His tone is too sharp, maybe, too intense - he means it too much, part of him thinks, when he knows he'll take Bucky anyway he can get him as long as they're together. He'll never stop believing that they're stronger together than they could ever be alone, that he's a better man because he knows Bucky.
That his world no longer seems as bright, no longer quite makes sense without him.
So he exhales, lets his edges soften a little, curls a hand around Bucky's knee. ]
I'm not gonna stop, Bucky. If you really didn't want me, I'd - deal with it, somehow, but I'm not gonna stop wanting you just because you get all protective and try to save me from myself.
[Bucky gets up before he can let himself take comfort in Sam's touch, in his words, in everything Sam promises that he doesn't deserve. Sam doesn't seem to understand that: at the end of the day it doesn't matter what Sam thinks he wants or desires, it's what Bucky doesn't deserve. And he sure as hell doesn't deserve this, any of it. He's angry, but doesn't know why. His legs are shaking under him, but he chalks it up to weakness, to how goddamn long it's taking to get over the moss.
Because none of this matters. The Soldier- the programming- will come and keep coming until there's nothing left but blood and Bucky can't let that happen. He doesn't care if that means he has to go it alone, but he sure as hell can't take Sam down with him.
He's more than angry, he realizes. He's pissed. He's pissed that he can't make sense of all of this, that he can't put into words how he feels, that he can't get Sam to just go away when it would be better for him to dodge this goddamn bullet. ]
I love you.
[His head is spinning. The world is spinning and he's sagging back down to the floor.]
[ When Bucky gets up, Sam doesn't fight him on it, though he watches him closely. He's honestly not sure how much of Bucky's unsteadiness right now is because of the intensity of their emotions and the fact that he doesn't know what to do with any of them and how much is lingering effects of the poison, but he's not taking any chances.
Bucky's angry, more than enough for Sam to feel the echo of it burning in his veins, even with Bucky pulling away.
He wants to fight, wants to argue with Bucky again about what he deserves, but he keeps that back. Sam knows, he knows, knows that it was gonna be a least a few years working on it for Bucky to accept that maybe he deserves something good in his life, too.
It gets easier to remind himself of that when Bucky finally tells him that he loves him, finally puts words to the feelings, and it makes Sam's breath catch for a moment. ]
I love you, too, and apparently we're gonna get pissed and yell at each other about it instead of me kissing the hell out of you.
[ Because he wants to, he wants to so damn bad, but Bucky's sagging back down and looking lost. Sam wants to pull him into his arms and he wants to shove him in equal measures and he wants -
He shakes his head. ]
It doesn't change anything just because I said it and made it real, Bucky. We're still gonna use the words, we're still gonna work on control. We have a plan and it's gonna work, because this? It makes us stronger, not weaker.
[Bucky's half-leaning against the cot before his knees buckle the rest of the way down and he's left sitting on the floor, sweating for some reason he can't figure out. He feels terrible all over, despite finally being able to put words to the gut-deep feelings he's been carrying around since the Waypoint. His breathing comes in slow, labored heaves of his lungs. Must be the after effects of the poison and he's far too riled up for his own good. He thinks he might pass out if he tries standing again, so he doesn't.
He wants to tell Sam that he doesn't understand that they might never be rid of the Soldier, but Sam knows that. Or that he might not ever be a whole person again, but Sam knows that too. Sam knows almost everything there is to know about him and still chooses Bucky.
Against all reason. Sam chooses Bucky.]
You don't know that. [That things won't change, that the programming might not warp something amazing into the death of the both of them.]
[ Always. Bucky'd promised him that before, and Sam feels the same way - always, he'll always choose Bucky.
Tracking him down, stopping the Soldier, strengthening their brood bond, fighting the programming - seeking his opinions, needing his support, wanting to be with him, loving him. Bucky knows who he is, everything that comes with him, even the sharper edges and the darker shit that leads to pettiness and anger and resentment and violence.
Does he know for sure that using the words is gonna work, that it'll put them a step ahead of the programming and give them more solid ground to stand on? No, of course not, and he doesn't try to hide that from Bucky.
But he has faith in them. They've never been defeated by the programming, not really. Temporarily had to retreat and come back at a different angle, sure, but they always come out stronger. He knows that Bucky's probably always gonna have some reasons that he thinks he should go, but they'll have a hell of a lot more reasons that he needs to stay.
He slides down to sit on the floor next to Bucky, a solid line of warmth pressed against him. ]
I know you just said that you love me, and I'm pretty sure what that means speaks for itself. [ Sam leans in to kiss him, sweet and soft that ends in a desperate intensity and a hint of teeth before he pulls back. ] I love you, Bucky. There's nothing stronger than the two of us together.
[Nothing about this is a sure thing. Not the words. Not their decision to leave Hyrypia. Except- Except Sam. Sam is the only sure thing in Bucky's life. Sam will come back after everything, after Bucky runs or eats poisonous moss or whatever the programming has cooking for them. He can feel a similar sentiment over the broodlink: Sam's faith in them and in what they have.
When Sam slides down next to him, Bucky shifts to lean against him and, when Sam presses his lips against his, meets them, albeit without the extra note of intensity. He's exhausted. Emotions are not his forte and the lingering weakness of the poison has yet to leave his system.
He just doesn't have that same level of confidence in himself, in the shaky construction of himself that gets torn to pieces every time the Soldier comes to life. One day, he might simply not come back.
But Sam loves him all the same.
He gingerly reaches up to run his hand along Sam's jaw. Yeah. He knows. He knows and no amount of shouting and kicking will change that.]
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sizeofyourbaggage) wrote2016-05-22 03:26 pm
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He meets Sam on a sunny knoll and offers a nod.]
Hey.
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Hey, sunshine.
[ He exhales, long and slow. There's turmoil of his own over this choice, his need not to leave anyone behind and his urge to protect people warring with the desire to be off this planet and the feeling that he'd be a hell of a lot more useful somewhere else - but he holds back most of it, as much as possible, anyway.
The next question he asks without words, without really even thoughts. It's always been easier for them to communicate this kind of thing in emotions and impressions, for Sam to pick up on the things that Bucky can't let himself say or even really think.
What do you want? ]
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Bucky would never forgive himself if he left now and Sam were stranded permanently on Hyrypia.
On the station, there would be room and time to heal away from all of the pressure and fellow Hosts, but Bucky's not sure if the programming will respond well to withdrawing. Hell, he doesn't know what will trigger it anymore; it seems to be more and more unstable as time passes. Whether from the symbiote or not, something is causing a disruption.
So, what he wants is complicated and he's not particularly set on any of the three options: both leave, both stay, or separate.]
Don't know.
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But there is one thing he knows without a doubt. ]
I'm not looking to be anywhere without you. [ It's not necessarily that he'll follow Bucky whatever he chooses, or that he wants Bucky to follow him no matter what - it's that it's gonna be both of them making the decision, as far as he's concerned. ] Whatever we do, we'll do it together.
[ He shifts a little, until they're pressed closer together, Sam's shoulder against his good one. ]
I think we've completed our part in this mission, and it might be time to let it move on to the next phase and have people with a different skillset take over. I think the new Hosts coming into the Station could use someone to make sure they're prepared for this kind of shit, to help them get used to things and make sure they know they have a choice. I think -
[ He exhales, long and sharp, a heavy burst of air as he looks back over. ] I think we could use a goddamn break, Bucky, I think I want to be off this planet.
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One option can be crossed off the list, so he mentally does so. Two left. That should make deciding easier. Sam at his side will always make things easier, but his broodmate has always seemed to have a penchant for helping him reason through the difficult stuff.]
Yeah. Me too.
[He was ready to be done a long time ago. Hell, he was ready to be done before they departed, when hushed conversations in the dark left a sour taste in his mouth, when they reminded him too much of HYDRA. Now, he's had more than enough of all the sneaking around and Nestmates gone AWOL or dead to satisfy a lifetime.]
Real question is: can we live with it?
[The decision to leave, he means. He doesn't mean to start placing blame or guilt on anyone, but if something were to happen, he knows both of them will feel responsible for the outcome. There's no stopping it.]
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It might be a really big part, but still.
It feels good, talking this over with Bucky. They ask each other the hard questions, they're realistic and emotional all at the same time, and Sam appreciates it more than he can say. ]
I don't know.
[ Sam doesn't bother pretending like everything's going to be fine, like there's no real danger and neither of them will feel guilty if something bad happens. He's optimistic, sentimental, but he's also practical, and he's never tried to bullshit or candy coat things with Bucky. ]
We're gonna be split either way. Down here - maybe we could've helped, but maybe we'll be getting in the way, staying past our usefulness. Up there? Maybe we can do some good for a change. I learned a long time ago that I'm gonna go crazy if I put everything on my shoulders, if I take everything personal and make it all my responsibility. Don't always remember that, but maybe now's a good time to practice. Maybe we can help remind each other of that. And anyway, if -
[ He pauses, biting the corner of his lip. He's said before that Bucky's more important than any mission, but - he means it, more than before. Bucky's happiness, his mental and physical well being, is gonna come first. ]
If it's you or a mission it's always gonna be you. That's a choice I'm happy to live with.
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He sighs again, heavy. He doesn't usually get to make his own decisions, much less with this amount of freedom. His heart burns uneasily in chest- perhaps just a lingering pain from the poison. There's almost too much freedom now. He can't seem to bring himself to make a decision.
Luckily, he doesn't have to choose between Sam and the mission, only his location, but still, he can't seem to decide.]
Yeah. Me Too.
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It... kind of feels good, in a maybe messed up way, that they only thing either of them really know is how important they are to each other. Everything else they can figure out together. ]
Whatever choice we make - we gotta say the words, take the next step to getting one over on the programming. It can't do that to us again.
[ He doesn't just mean the poisoning - well, mostly he means the poisoning, because nothing's scared him like finding Bucky like that in a very long time. But he also means everything about the night they tried to save Keya, the way it whispered in Sam's mind as it bulldozed through Bucky's and they'd been too fragmented to fight it. ]
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You heard it?
[The screaming, the sirens, clanging metal- the alarming dyn that clamors around in Bucky's head all the time. He doesn't want it to infect others through the Symbiote to others like a disease.]
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He never figured that something would be him, or that he'd love it.
I hear you more, and I like it, comes to Sam's mind, but that's not what Bucky asked, and it feels too much like hedging around the subject. ]
Yeah. It was... I wasn't at my best that night. It was able to sink in a little, push me past when I should have stopped. But it's just me, I think it's just because we're - [ He pauses, shrugs a little. ] Honestly, I think it knows we're a threat.
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It's almost like Jekyll and Hyde.
The words are a necessary, a leash that should have been placed a long time ago.
Instead of responding verbally, he nods.]
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He squeezes Bucky's hand. ]
I don't think it's a bad thing. We are a threat, we've already ripped up its hold and knocked it off balance. We can do it more.
[ But he picked up that feeling about leashing, and he shifts a little. ] It's gonna tie us even more together, you know. You can still back out, we can figure out another way to use them. Come up with a script or something.
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Don't want to. [Back out. He's wanted Sam to use the words for a while now, to get better control over the Soldier at whatever cost. Bucky's not confident in a script, considering how long it took HYDRA to make one in conjunction with the chair.]
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Except that Bucky is the one that suffers when it happens, so he doesn't want to push too much.
But this, this is good, and when Bucky says he doesn't want to back out, Sam nods. Neither of them are the people they used to be before the Nest, or else he knows damn well this decision wouldn't even be on the table, but Sam doesn't think twice about signing up to end up in deeper. ]
For better or worse, huh? [ He means to make it light, for all that he'd thought he was never even gonna joke about that because of what it'd mean, but they're in his head. There's no hiding that he's serious. ] I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with you, Bucky. If you'll let me.
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That he might want to.
Bucky finds himself at a loss of words, at a loss of feelings. That's a hell of a statement to make. The rest of his life. Not the rest of Bucky's, which Bucky assumes is down to the last couple years at most, but Sam's.
He doesn't know what the say.]
You don't want that. [He blurts out, his words tangled in his mouth, not sure how to express any of the many thoughts racing by
You don't want to spend your life chained to a time bomb. I'm not worth getting the Soldier as well. What the hell are you thinking?]
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But Sam'd thought that about himself, too, back when he was going to the VA and once he became an Avenger. Neither of them have the kind of lives that a civilian could cope with or even understand, especially now. ]
Good thing I'm planning on living a long time, cause I figure it's gonna take me at least a few years to get you used to the idea.
[ Sam doesn't know what he's thinking. Shit like this, it doesn't come from thinking, it comes from feeling. That, that Sam knows. And it's hard to put into words, but it's - for Bucky, he wants to try. Even if he could probably get the same idea over without saying anything. Or maybe especially because of that. ]
The Soldier's already mine. That's not new, sunshine, even back on on our world I chose to sign up for it, and I'd make the same choice now. From the day the Soldier crashed into my life, I've been there to try to stop or try to help, and I always will. I'm always gonna be tied to the Soldier, and I don't regret it. I'm not gonna regret doing this.
[ Yeah, good job, Wilson. This is a great proposal, this'll definitely prove that he wants to spend the rest of his life with him. He lets out a huff of air, his wings flicking out briefly before settling over both of their shoulders. ]
I love you. I want you, and it's not despite of everything that comes with that. You and me, we know each other better than anyone, and you're worth every minute of it. That's what I want to spend the rest of my life doing, making you happy and trying to show that you're worth all this and figuring this out together.
[ But it's more than that, it's - Sam knows the exact moment that he realized he was in love with Bucky. When they lost Steve, and they fought over who the hell knows what and Sam'd been so damn scared he was gonna lose him. Loving him had been so gradual, he hadn't thought - but he does now, he knows when he was really in too deep. ]
You gave me a coin. Even before all this, before us, when you were still dealing with all of the shit in your head alone - you noticed. That I used my coin, that I might need one even though I gave it to you. You know how many people who don't have half the shit going on that you do would've thought of that? [ His wings twitch briefly, another reflection of his emotions, before smoothing out again as he shoots Bucky a smile. ] And you haven't seen the way you looked smiling at Buchanan and Thomas, back when they were chicks on Waypoint.
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What Bucky deserves and what Sam wants for him are worlds apart and he... he can't have this. He loves Sam. He loves Sam so goddamn much and he knows that with every inch of his being, but he can't doom Sam to a life of misery and destruction. It doesn't matter what he wants. He can't be selfish. Being selfish leads only to-
His stomach drops and he's not sure if it's a residual symptom of the poisoning or a stir of fear in his gut.
Bucky pulls back mentally, out of their shared mindspace, and makes to physically move, but his legs are half asleep from sitting next to the commode for so long, his limbs still weak from his near-fatal dose of poisonous moss. The urge to run itches under his skin. He can't- he won't let Sam do this to himself: point a loaded gun at his heart and wait for it to discharge.
There's so much he wants to say. You've got the wrong guy. What the hell are you thinking? This is suicide. Or maybe something that will drive a wedge, something to push Sam to a better option. I don't feel the same way. Lie. But he can't lie.
His mind, now quite empty and desolate, screams of isolation. Unlike when he needs space, when he leaves a constant link open, a hint of foliage spread along the icy tundra, his barbed wire fences are up, frosted over with jagged spikes of ice.
He means to punish.]
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Then he groans, leaning back and letting his head knock against the wall a little too hard. It's kind of too late now, he wants to say, because he's already chained to the Soldier and he's got no intention of changing that - they're already in too deep with their brood bond to separate, but he's got no intention of changing that, either.
But he doesn't say anything about it, because he kind of thinks pointing it out right now might just make Bucky dig his heels in more about this.
And it hurts to feel the way Bucky's barbed wire and sharp ice is back. Sam kicks out, bumping the toe of his foot into Bucky's ankle and not being all that gentle about it. ]
Fuck you too, Barnes. You don't get to tell me what I want and who I choose. [ His mind curls around Bucky's with a brush of feathers - not trying to enter, just tugging a little. ] Come back here. I'll knock it off with that kind of talk, all right.
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And yet there's no way to hide the way his voice twists at the end of his reply, the way it implies 'you don't want me.' Because Bucky has too much baggage, too many complications, and hell if he's going to let Sam tie himself down to someone who could wake up one day and kill him.
Bucky would never forgive himself.
He doesn't want Sam to change. He doesn't want Sam to mind what he says. He wants Sam to be Sam.
Just not attached to a dangerous, malfunctioning weapon that seems to only get more unpredictable every day.
His walls stay right where they are, breathing frost and edges sharpening with each passing moment. Get out. You don't need to tangle with this mess.]
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I want you. I'm gonna be real clear about this, okay, I want you. Right now, even like this, even when we piss each other off and fight, I want you. I want all of you, I want everything you've got, and I'm not gonna stop.
[ His tone is too sharp, maybe, too intense - he means it too much, part of him thinks, when he knows he'll take Bucky anyway he can get him as long as they're together. He'll never stop believing that they're stronger together than they could ever be alone, that he's a better man because he knows Bucky.
That his world no longer seems as bright, no longer quite makes sense without him.
So he exhales, lets his edges soften a little, curls a hand around Bucky's knee. ]
I'm not gonna stop, Bucky. If you really didn't want me, I'd - deal with it, somehow, but I'm not gonna stop wanting you just because you get all protective and try to save me from myself.
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Because none of this matters. The Soldier- the programming- will come and keep coming until there's nothing left but blood and Bucky can't let that happen. He doesn't care if that means he has to go it alone, but he sure as hell can't take Sam down with him.
He's more than angry, he realizes. He's pissed. He's pissed that he can't make sense of all of this, that he can't put into words how he feels, that he can't get Sam to just go away when it would be better for him to dodge this goddamn bullet. ]
I love you.
[His head is spinning. The world is spinning and he's sagging back down to the floor.]
You can't do this.
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Bucky's angry, more than enough for Sam to feel the echo of it burning in his veins, even with Bucky pulling away.
He wants to fight, wants to argue with Bucky again about what he deserves, but he keeps that back. Sam knows, he knows, knows that it was gonna be a least a few years working on it for Bucky to accept that maybe he deserves something good in his life, too.
It gets easier to remind himself of that when Bucky finally tells him that he loves him, finally puts words to the feelings, and it makes Sam's breath catch for a moment. ]
I love you, too, and apparently we're gonna get pissed and yell at each other about it instead of me kissing the hell out of you.
[ Because he wants to, he wants to so damn bad, but Bucky's sagging back down and looking lost. Sam wants to pull him into his arms and he wants to shove him in equal measures and he wants -
He shakes his head. ]
It doesn't change anything just because I said it and made it real, Bucky. We're still gonna use the words, we're still gonna work on control. We have a plan and it's gonna work, because this? It makes us stronger, not weaker.
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He wants to tell Sam that he doesn't understand that they might never be rid of the Soldier, but Sam knows that. Or that he might not ever be a whole person again, but Sam knows that too. Sam knows almost everything there is to know about him and still chooses Bucky.
Against all reason. Sam chooses Bucky.]
You don't know that. [That things won't change, that the programming might not warp something amazing into the death of the both of them.]
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Tracking him down, stopping the Soldier, strengthening their brood bond, fighting the programming - seeking his opinions, needing his support, wanting to be with him, loving him. Bucky knows who he is, everything that comes with him, even the sharper edges and the darker shit that leads to pettiness and anger and resentment and violence.
Does he know for sure that using the words is gonna work, that it'll put them a step ahead of the programming and give them more solid ground to stand on? No, of course not, and he doesn't try to hide that from Bucky.
But he has faith in them. They've never been defeated by the programming, not really. Temporarily had to retreat and come back at a different angle, sure, but they always come out stronger. He knows that Bucky's probably always gonna have some reasons that he thinks he should go, but they'll have a hell of a lot more reasons that he needs to stay.
He slides down to sit on the floor next to Bucky, a solid line of warmth pressed against him. ]
I know you just said that you love me, and I'm pretty sure what that means speaks for itself. [ Sam leans in to kiss him, sweet and soft that ends in a desperate intensity and a hint of teeth before he pulls back. ] I love you, Bucky. There's nothing stronger than the two of us together.
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When Sam slides down next to him, Bucky shifts to lean against him and, when Sam presses his lips against his, meets them, albeit without the extra note of intensity. He's exhausted. Emotions are not his forte and the lingering weakness of the poison has yet to leave his system.
He just doesn't have that same level of confidence in himself, in the shaky construction of himself that gets torn to pieces every time the Soldier comes to life. One day, he might simply not come back.
But Sam loves him all the same.
He gingerly reaches up to run his hand along Sam's jaw. Yeah. He knows. He knows and no amount of shouting and kicking will change that.]
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